A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice here.I've been married for just over 2 years now. My husband is a wonderful man who's totally commited, faithful, caring and hard working. But...if we have an arguement, he doesn't like to talk about it afterwards. Now I'm a very emotional person and I need to talk to sort things out properly. Even though I've said this to him, he says no and that we don't need to talk. I feel my needs aren't being met. I have to back off and let him come around, then he'll be nice and more liable to talk. Why do I have to wait though? I really suffer when we argue, I hate argueing, it gets me down.He can be quite harsh with his words and I've asked him not to be so rude to me when argueing. I've even suggested a little counseling to help but he's basically told me where to go! Saying it's all in my head, and just to get on with the relationship and things will be fine. Do I carry things on? Should I let him come around in his own time? He doesn't think we have a problem but I do...but it's pointless talking to him about it cause he ends up raising his voice and swearing! Maybe we just can't connect because I'm more emotional than he is? Will this always be that way? Could we gently mould into one another one day as time goes on? He's like a ball of flames sometimes and I really feel like putting out his flames....with a sledge hammer!!!Thanks in advance for your knowledgeable advice. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice guys...although alot I disagree with. The one thing my husband is not and that's controlling and we don't play mind games. I'm waiting for my work visa to be approved so I have alot of unwanted time on my hands..we have to take that into consideration as to him being stressed and we are living on one income.
I agree with what Rainy days pointed out as she's been through this before. (sorry you broke up and feel free to mail me if you're upset.) I guess some guys find it easier to talk about issues than others. I guess when the frustration subsides it'll be easier. I'm certainly not the nagging type and I only want to sort things out asap to get it out the way and move on.
When we are both at our happiest moments will it be good to chat nicely about it.
Good luck to you all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): "Now I'm a very emotional person and I need to talk to sort things out properly."
Ugh your type is the worst. You do recognize that "properly" is *your* definition?
Why do you think your husband's response would be if some group at work kept scheduling meeting with him to discussing nothing? Or to tell him how their day went, or complain about the service at the restaurant down the street. The guy would get annoyed and refuse to accept future meetings.
If you want to tell him relevant information or give him specific things that he can control then that is probably something you are going to get action on.
If you want an open ended session where you can complain to him about how you hate your friends or your mother is unfair to you then no one wants to hear it. Least of all your husband. You are going to have to pay someone to listen to those complaint sessions.
Dont screw up your relationship with "wonderful man who's totally commited, faithful, caring and hard working" looking by looking for a Phil Donahue
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A
male
reader, manaja  +, writes (18 November 2009):
Its a form of control, he knows it obviously bothers you, so he does it all the more. Maybe if you werent so emotional and didnt ask him why he does what he does, it may prick his ears up. Next time he soes something you dont like, dont respond, make him believe your not bothered, he'l soon change his ways.
Counselling may help, but im sure he'l fight you all the way on that one, purely because your the one that suggested it.
Good luck with it.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 He doesn't want to go to counselling because he knows the counsellor will pull him up for his behaviour because he's diminishing your feelings and your sense of self-worth by telling you "it's all in your head". You can't win with someone like that. Ten bucks says that if you announce you've had a gutful, suddenly he'll go to counselling. But, my guess, it wont help, because he thinks it's OK to be rude and horrible to you, and when the counsellor tells him he's "wrong", he'll be rude to the counsellor as well, and most likely get up and walk out and refuse to go again. You're worth more than that. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Don't count on talking to him. He will not make the effort to listen and it just seems like there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Just distract yourself from the situation and focus on other things that make you happy. I'm not married and still young but I can provide you useful information. I will use my past relationship as an example. I was with a 40 year old man who never wanted to open up nor listen to what I had to say when we had problems. Your story sounds just like mine except that I was not married(like I mentioned). Well, he never wanted to talk and I did because it was a way of healing the pain away from my heart...to make the relationship stronger and better. We ended up breaking up because I just could not take it anymore. And we just broke up today. :( But just know that guys are different than us girls. They don't like to talk about feelings and things that bother us girls. Especially if the issue is about your relationship. My boyfriend told me this, " I don't want to talk about these things with you, because it involves our relationship. And you're the one i'm having the problems with". Sad, but honest...so that's pretty much it. Your husband might be aware of the problem but he just decides to not talk about it for the reason i gave you, coming from my own boyfriends mouth. Do you have any friends you feel comfortable discussing this with? If not then feel free to send me a private message and if you feel comfortable talking with me, feel free to okay? I will try to help. I don't know you really, but I do care. Because I know how harsh men can be and I went through that as well.
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