A
female
age
41-50,
*onour
writes:Hi,I am newly married n staying with my husband from August. we had a made a choice of our own through matrimonial site.ours age is same(31 yrs) except he is a month older than me.My Problm is after i hv joined him he continues on critisising abt all the things that i do, i came to knw somebody has told him that wife of same age should be rulled always otherwise she can dominate.Is this the reason that he is doing like that? for exmple always he keeps on telling that in spite of staying in the most populated city i dnt even knw how to walk, how to spk , my self confidence is ruined totally,by noticing any fault in any perspective of household he is very irritated. he even doesnt allow me to move freely saying that i dnt knw anything.I am being with him but he is not willing to share my area and making me capable to walk with him shoulder to shoulder. I m a proffessional and hv wrkd independently, is this appearing to me like this or he possess this kind of personality..i cant figure it out am facing dilemma ..pls help
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Ask him this question. "Why did you merry me?" Let hims know your reason for asking it, because he's acting like he would to someone he doesn't like, not someone he claims to love.
I don't know where you are from, but I want to share this information with you. You may agree or disagree. I have spent many years studying relationships and human behavior, and after all those years I find relationships aren't really that complicated and aren't meant to be if treated in the right way. Here's what I came up with, and you can see how simple they really can be.
Relationships are all about choices. You chose this person to be your husband and he chose you as his wife. Choices do not give either of you any control over the other person or the choices they make. You both have the right to make your own choices. He chooses to demean you which causes your self esteem to lower. On your end, you can choose to put up with this, or not allow poor treatment. We choose how we are treated by others. What I live by is "Nobody has any right to treat any other person less than what they deserve." Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and with love. Look at all these people who reply to questions on here. They do so with no pay, without personally knowing those they answer questions for, yet many people receive more respect from those who don't know them, than they do by those who claim to have love for them.
On the same side, which this is very hard sometimes. When someone treats you with disrespect, you choose as well how that is going to affect you. Many times, self esteem is lowered because we allow that negative affect from what others do or say. It's time to take control of your life, and your emotions. When he says something low, simply tell him not to talk to you that way, and you will not accept him doing that. If he argues, let him know that you are your own person, not property, and you choose how people treat you and the way he speaks to you is less than what you allow.
I hope this helps you.
A
female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (12 December 2007):
Is he vrom a family where critizism is used as a "normal" form of communication? If so, he probably doesn't even realize how hurtful it is. Sarcaism can be the same way. People that are raised using it don't often realize how it hurts other.
Spend some time with his brothers/sisters/parents. If you observe them critizing each other...ask him about it in private such as "I saw Jack say [whatever it was] to his wife today. She looked so hurt. Do you think he said it to hurt her? I was just wondering because your family often communicates in ways that feel really critical...have you ever noticed that? (etc)."
This give him a chance to "discover" the problem and recognize it in himseslf...wich is generally an easier way for men to change than for us (thte wife) to point it out.
You may also want to start a "thought book" and write down what he say's nice about you each week, then on a date or when you are having cuddle time say, "Let me read to you why I love you so much," then share with him the nice things he has said about you. Tell him how it makes you feel. This is called "applied behavior ayalysis," where you reinforce the postitive behavior without responding to the negative behavior.
Also, you need SOMEONE, a paid theripst if necessary, to help you keep your self esteem up while you are figuring out if you can cope with this...if he can recoginize it and quite...etc.
Remember...if he does it to you, he will do it to your family, friends, children...etc. But people can change...love helps people change.
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A
female
reader, iagirl +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I'm so sorry that you are in such a bad situation. I don't know what things are like in your country, but this is abuse and you don't have to put up with it. He has no right to insult you or criticize you. Is there a way to tell him how you feel and to get him to stop acting this way? Tell him that you are hurt by his comments and that he makes you feel bad. Maybe he doesn't know how it is affecting you.
In my opinion though, this situation sounds like it has the potential to escalate to something worse. What are the divorce laws in your country? Is there some place else you can go? Do you have anyone you can talk to who can support you? You mentioned that you are a professional, which is great. You can support yourself if you need to. The best thing you can do if he doesn't stop is to think about your options and try to get out of the relationship. Good luck.
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