A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need any advice I can get, I realize my situation isn't the norm so it really doesn't matter if you've had personal experience just tell me how you would handle my relationship? I'll try to make my very long story short and to the point but it may not be easy (sigh)! I've been married for over 15 years with two children together. About 4 years into our relationship I discovered my husband is a crossdresser that in itself was quite a shock to me as I'd led a rather sheltered life at least in that area. Soon after his coming out to me he asked me if I thought that meant he was gay or bi-sexual, me not having any experience with any of this assured him he must be straight because he loved women and wanted to be with them. He did mention a sexual encounter with another man but me being naive assured him it was just curiosity (most men are not curious of other men sexually I know now). I've tried for many years to be what I thought was best for my husband helping him be the best crossdressed person he/she could be and for many years lost sight of what was best for me. Over the years he's asked me if I'd be able to engage in a threesome (me, him as her, and another c'der) the thought always disgusted me but I did my best to hide my feelings and politely decline. Here's where my real problems and concerns begin. I was assured by most support groups for wives of crossdressers that MOST cd's are completely heterosexual so I shouldn't worry about him straying. The trouble is and while he will deny this to his grave I can almost guarantee that he has been sexually active with other men. The reasons I know this is because he no longer gets turned on to normal sex it has to be anal preferably with him dressed, dating services for cd's he's a member of, looking up other cd's online for sexual encounters, the list goes on. I can tell when he's been unfaithful as he does similar things any other cheater would do.This has been going on for sometime now and I don't know what would be harder dealing with a man cheating with another woman or this, but I can say I don't see it ever ending. I know he loves me and the kids (he's a great father) but unless I leave him I just wonder if he's using our marriage as a cover and once the kids are grown he'll feel safe enough to come out and where will that leave me. Financially I'm unable to provide for myself at this point together we're barely making ends meet. I know pyschologically I'm going downhill because of this, I'm not the same person I was prior to all this I was so worried about his feelings I forgot to really think how this has affected me! I used to and still do in some ways feel like our relationship was nothing but a lie since I wasn't given the choice on whether I wanted to marry a crossdresser. I understood his embarrassment but he's had his whole life to learn about who he was. It's hard enough living with a man who likes to be the best woman he can be but it's HELL feeling like I'm not even enough woman for him romantically! My self esteem has never been really great which is more than likely why I've stayed. The hardest part right now is we really get along pretty well but it seems to me it's turned into a comfortable friendship. Of course I've also given up confronting him with evidence to his encounters since in the past all that did was lead to denial, anger, and more stress. I really need people to give me advice, I know what I'd say if this was anyone else but I just really need to hear it for myself. I'm so affraid I'm going to have spent all this time with a man who whether he meant to or not has been using me to "Have his cake, and eat it too" and when the time comes I'll end up being left with a sorry but I guess I was gay afterall;-(
View related questions:
self esteem, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous09 +, writes (26 October 2009):
Hi I read your post and know exactly how you feel. I am married for 10 years and have 1 child. My husband opened up 2 years into the marriage. I was very scared initially but accepted it to make him feel good about himself. But he's not stopped at that. He kept pestering me for a threesome with another girl and I did quite a few times. Now since the past few years es gotten int in men and also wants me to have a... sex with him. Though I don't think he is meeting anyone he di tell me he visited gay bars while on business twice but that it was out of curiosity. He also watches a lot of gay porn and wants me to try a threesome with him and a guy and feels bad if I don't show any int. I can't make out anything is this supposed to ne normal. He is a very very loving husband and father almost the perfect husband but this is a very disturbing personal thing I cannot share with anyone. I don't feel like leaving him cos inspire of all this I can feel he loves me and my child more than anything else. Yet wheni confront him to stop he tells me he would do it anyways whether I agree or not and I'm worried he'll do it with out my knowledge if I don't give in. Can't walk out and can't live like this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Crossdresser - man who likes to wear women's clothes
Transsexual - man who actually would like to be a woman
I probably got the terms wrong but there is a difference. First, I know you don't feel like it, but helping your husband with his crossdressing was a very kind thing to do. It brought it out into the open, and not something that was hidden. As you realised he would do it anyway, even without your help and support. You have been a great wife to this man, you have tried to support him with his desires with the aim of keeping your marriage happy and making it stronger.
Unfortunately your husband is not a heterosexual crossdresser. It sounds like he wanted the whole package, dressing like a woman and having sex like a woman. A very different kettle of fish. Not to judge him, but that's totally unfair, he should really have explained things more truthfully to you.
As you said, you tried. Dressing up is one thing, but having sexual affairs is another. Your husband has been unfaithful, now you are in the same position of millions of men and women all around the world. Cross dressing dose not give him an excuse to cheat. Having sex without your wife's consent is cheating, and you did not agree to that. Like other's there are several questions you must ask yourself.
1. Can you forgive him
?2. Is it worth saving this marriage, do you still love him, dose he love you?
3. Will he do it again, can you trust him?
I think you know the answers deep in your heart, and you must make life happy and secure for you. You have done your best, you have been a brilliant wife. He has shown you little respect by breaking your wedding vows. Crossdressing, looking at pornography, having sex in the shower, all these things are "fetishes", hobbies that people enjoy. Having sex with other people and being unfaithful is not a hobby, that's bloody cheating, and lying to somebody who your supposed to love. Give him an ultimatum, tell him you have tried to be understanding, but you don't trust him anymore, so all of this has to stop.
Sorry babes.. Can you stand it, will you stay, or will you walk away in the knowledge that your a brilliant woman, not all men are like this, and with your qualities you won't be alone for long... Your marriage, your life, your choice..
PS: My choice for you would be to dump the unfaithful rat.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 December 2008):
 Listen to your gut. Many cross-dressers are strictly heterosexuals, but the fact that he wants to add another man to the mix sexually, hints that he is more then curious. He is looking to you, to tell him it's ok to do what he does. And from reading your post it isn't really ok with you.
If you suspect he is having male/male encounter you need to first get tested for std's - a lot of men who are "afraid" they are gay, have dangerous sexual encounter with partners that aren't exactly healthy. It's sorta bang and go kinda thing. I don't say that to scare you, but it's your health.
Anal sex is not really about being gay or straight. It's about the taboo that surrounds it. That is somehow a little kinky and dirty. But in your husbands case, I don't know. If that is the only way he can have sex with you then I would honestly not have sex with him.
Secondly, like the anon poster wrote ***You need to find yourself (and the 3H's); what makes you happy, hungry and horny!** She is right.
However, it really doesn't matter if he is gay or not.. what matters is that you aren't getting fulfilled in your marriage - you are just catering to his needs. You deserve happiness and love.
Know that you didn't somehow MAKE him a cross-dresser. It's not because of you. It doesn't make you any less of a woman. He might not have known many things about himself and throughout the marriage he discovered thing about himself and his sexuality. I have to give him kudos for at least being open with you about it, now it's your turn to be open to him about YOUR feelings.
Last but not least, don't regret the time you have spend with him, you have 2 wonderful children. But maybe it's time for you to look to the future, your future and find out what YOU want and need. I know the thought of being alone is scary, but I think the thought of being in a marriage were you are more like roommates without real love is a worse option. Time is only wasted if you don't take control of your life.
Take some time to yourself - pamper yourself. Get in touch with you. Learn to love you.
I wish you good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Oh honey! Your relationship sounds like a deadringer for co-dependency. You need to find yourself (and the 3H's); what makes you happy, hungrey and horny! You need to feel like a woman again and your husband (from your viewpoint) is not woman enough (sorry) to do it for you! Honestly, if you both like your relationship--and it all does turn to friendship in the end anyway (seriously)-- have an open relationship. He sleeps with whatever he wants and you go out and find someone who can comfort you and appreciate you.
I was once in a relationship where day-in and day-out we talked about breaking up and strecthing out our BS. After a while, that is exactly what I expected from the relationship--every night. I started to drive around the block before I came home, just to defer it. And I kid you not, one day he came home and I just looked at him and smiled and said, "It's over." Trust me, that was the easy part but once he was gone, I was back.
Money was tough at first but I got a roommate--she is an incredibly wonderful lady who is 53-- bought a home, got a car that worked and now I am back in school for a masters (student loans--this is good debt) and working 40 hours a week. I don't have kids and that is tough for you, I understand, but life is never easy. As my father says, "once life is easy you kick the bucket...nothing to live for if it's too easy"...He's quite the poet I know.
But honestly, take your time, find yourself. Journaling helped me and as did finding friends...I wish you had a friend to talk to about this and not have to feel shame.
Goodluck--you heard it here--you deserve the best, you only have one life--make it count!
...............................
|
