A
female
age
41-50,
*oo's Mum
writes:I have been with my wonderful husband for 17 years and consider him my very best friend. We live in a small town and are part of a clickyish group of friends that we have known ever since we got married 10 years ago. Just lately a new friend has come into the group and dynamics have changed. My husband did not go to school with any of these guys and since the new guy (who did go to the same school) has entered he feels left out and like the spare wheel whenever we all get together. At first I thought he was making a mountain out of a molehill until I sat back one night and watched. Then I realised what he means, they aren't rude to him rather they spend a lot of time talking about school friends and other things that he can take no part in. He tries to include himself in the conversation but they don't really talk to him. He is now saying he does not want to come to anymore of our get togethers. I have gone to a few of them by myself but then feel guilty that he's sitting at home by himself. I don't know what to do I feel very caught in the middle.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 February 2010):
Moo's Mum is verified as being by the original poster of the question From the bottom of my heart I thank everyone who has taken the time to write back to me on this. It really helps to hear other people's point of view. To Anonymous Female who is in my husbands shoes your reply was extremely helpful. I have taken your advice and invited some new people over for tea and reconnected with another couple we had lost touch with. It feels great to have some other options for socialising.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I am in your husbands shoes with my new boyfriend and I have been made to feel like an intruder. I have stopped going to such events - but this feels like a dead end and I feel resentment and sadness. Its important to have friends that you developed as a couple - so that there is a genuine bond and re-enforcement of your relationship. I find that this has really helped my relationship. It has also demonstrated to the 'clicky' lot that we are a couple and I'm not just an add-on - we have a life together. If you cannot find new friends where you live I wonder (dramatic as this sounds) whether it is time to move on to a new town or city. Are you actually in a rut where you live? Would your relationship benefit from a change of scene? It could be an exciting time to live somewhere new - an adventure - to start again together on equal terms.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I can be hard, frankly I hate trying to mix with people as I don't seem to have much in common with anyone, EXCEPT my old high school mates. But frankly, it would depress me if all we did is sit around and remember 'the old days'. What I do know is that my wife really enjoys me being with her, and if that's in a group of her freinds then I show up, mix, talk and be near her so that she's having a good time. It doesn't kill me, and I only occasionally think to myself "can you please make your mouth move faster so I can not listen to you talk longer than you must..." as I hear them go on about something.
He neesd to be there for YOU, no just himself. We do things like this for our loved one! If he wants to sit at home, that's his choice, and there is NO REASON for you to feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 How recently did the new guy appear?
They may just be in a reminiscent phase, and the dynamic of the group could go back to normal. After all, the other men (before the new guy came) had gone to school together as well.
Could anything else have happened? It just doesn't seem likely that they would ignore/kick out their friend of 10 years because of a new guy.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 If he did not go to the same school but was friends with the others prior, ..then why has a new person joining mae a diff? He is STILL in the same position he was in before - the one who did not go to the same school.
They may just be talking about it a bit more now either coz they are catching up/reminiscing with the new person in the clique, ... or coz they really don't have anything in common now so they talk about the only thing they do have in common - the past.
Give it a bit of time with the new guy and they will run out of stories and have to get back to friendships based on present lives.
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