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My husband doesn't care anymore!

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Question - (21 December 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 December 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I feel like my husband just doesnt care anymore. He never discusses any problems we are having but will always complian about my son. We havent had sex in over two months and the last time it took alot of convincing on my part. He sleeps all the time whenhe is home and always has since I dated him. I have found myself getting buried more and more in my job and just going on my daily routine. Our finaances are seperate and he informed me a month ago he is two months behind in house payments. I pay all the bills around the house but the mortgage. I feel resentful that he has an antique truck, motorcycle, a van for work and a newer pickup and wont sell one of them to pay the bills. We have been married 6 years and never had a fight except for a few loud words. I just dont understand why he doesnt ask or talk to me about this silence between us. I aks some questions to try to get him to open up but he never does.

Any suggestions? I am going to start counsleing on ym own after the new year if anything for myself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for answering Eddie. We have no kids together and my youngest son is 17. My son has told me that the reason why he is rarely home is because of my husbands attitude and is always snapping or yelling at him(not that he doesnt deserve it sometimes) we have no kids together and my husband is more financially tied to me. I work as much overtime as I can and sometimes it is just to get out of the house. I dont go out with friends that much. When we go out I pay. We go out to dinner at least once a week and that is the extent of our outings these days. At first I didnt mind paying but I think I want him to plan something or surprise me. It lets me know you are thinking about me. But he doesnt have the funds to do that. The last time we had sex I was the aggressor and it took a long time and I was about ready to give up and he finally came around.

The boyfriend thing would be great but like you said I am sure it would end up hurting someone. I love my husband but the fire is gone. He is otherwise good to me. But it is hard for me to have excitement for him when he has no energy or gusto for life. I have worked hard to get were I am and he is just going about it day by day. He is crabby and grouchy most of the time and lately has been yelling at me.

I just keep going on day by day hoping the answer will come to me.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (27 December 2011):

eddie85 agony auntI would continue to see your therapist and sort out what you are feeling. Look for solutions rather than rehashing old stories.

Let's face it, your options are pretty few at this point:

1) Deal with it. Perhaps he'll change, perhaps not. A man's sex drive does tend to drop as he gets older. It always amazes me how often married people forget how to seduce one another. Have you tried working him up yourself? Why not go out for a nice dinner and dress up. If you don't get him excited about the "event", expect it to be a tv rerun, as you described. You may have to put more effort into this man. Perhaps, one reason why you have gotten along as well as you have, is that you've both done your own things and now you are craving more intimacy and togetherness.

2) Get a divorce. This could be rough and you really need to make sure you have the stomach for it. This may be a poor idea if you have kids or are strongly financially tied to him.

3) Find a boyfriend. This has moral issues and may be unpalatable as well. It could lead to long term hurt and ultimately lead up to option #2.

Your future is in your hands. Hopefully you'll take action, one way or another, and make yourself happy.

Have a Happy New Year.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the advice and answers...I am still unsure of what to do. I feel like everything started out ok and then as time went on things went downhill. Can I get it back or should I give up. I dont wan to go through a divorce but I dont want to stay in a loveless marriage. When we have had sex which isnt much and it has been over two months probably close to three, it has been like a repeat of a repeat episode on tv. Any advice? SHould I give it a little longer to see what happens?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 December 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntJust one suggestion: Dump his sorry a*s and get a REAL husband.....

Good luck....

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (21 December 2011):

eddie85 agony auntFrom what you describe, it sounds like your relationship is more one of convenience rather than one of love. At best, you are roommates and he is the slacker one that is behind on his rent.

The apparent lack of communication is what bothers me most. Reading between the lines, I sense you both go about your ways and don't really interact, unless necessary. Maybe I am wrong, but have you considered starting a date night? Do you do anything together that would foster your relationship? Do you feel that he has checked out of the relationship -- and if so why do you think he has (perhaps he feels you don't acknowledge his needs /wants)?

I am glad that you are going to counseling. I think you've only scratched the surface of what is going on here and I think by talking to a therapist, more will be revealed. Hopefully he/she will be able to give you the tools to make positive changes in your life and work on correcting whatever is going wrong between you and your husband.

Also, what concerns me is your husband's sleeping patterns. Sometimes sleeping a lot is a sign of depression. Would you describe him as depressed? This may explain a lot as well.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011):

He sounds as if he might be suffering from depression. Some suffer in silence for many years and dont seek treatment. An exceptional event can lighten their mood for a while. Such as meeting you. You mght have found he seemed slightly different when you met, more upbeat and energetic. Then the initial buzz wore off and he has settled back into his old ways. Ways you are only now becoming aware of.

If that seems to be the case then he really needs to speak to his doctor and seek treatment...if you can get him there!

In the meantime, get the mortgage payments back on track and do go for some counselling. It will help you decide how to move forward.

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (21 December 2011):

RAINORFIRE agony auntInteresting well i doubt he would get much money for any of those vehicles he needs the van for work and i suppose the pickup for other traveling needs The antique truck and motorcycle may cover a month or two of mortgage payments then what.

he sleeps all day you work and pay all the bills and he doesnt want sex. sounds like hes depressed did he loose his job why is he behind on bills. Your married your entitled to know whats going on with him and his financial situation.

I also suggest finding a good lawyer and start preparing to leave this bum. He doesnt seem like the type to be very cooperative ie would he be interested in marriage counseling?

You need to have a big conversation with him but before you do have your affairs in order so you can split. If things go south.

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