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anonymous
writes: hi...I'm currently facing a dilemma. I've been married for 18 months after a 1 year relationship and I'm 22. Me and my husband moved to another country after few months to start up a life together in a different environment. I was feeling quite lonely, but my husband didn't want to move back to the place where we were before. Things didn't work out as planned, and we were having arguments between us. At the same time, I made a new friend (male) with whom I was getting quite open telling him my problems. Once we had a very big argument and I ended up sleeping with my male friend. What I shared with him was new and it felt really good. The feeling was better and the way even the way he treats me. We kept on seeing each other behing my husband's back. I got really close to him and everything was so good. Unfortunately, my friend had to leave for another country, and I ended up alone again. This time missing my friend. I am still in touch with him and we might meet later this year. The problem lies with my husband. Sometimes he tends to be very nice and I admit that sometimes we pass nice times together, but still in mind I have my friend. Some time ago I was ready to end all the calls with my friend so that I can move on with my husband. That same week, me and my husband had an argument and he become violent. Now we're back on track. Apart from this, my friend made it clear that he would like to move on with me. So the decision lies in my hand.Would you please help me and advice me on what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): I am in such a situation. I fell in love with my lover. I left my husband...went on my own and my lover fell for someone else. Make sure your lover/best friend/soul mate feels the same way. Unfortunately for me, my lover could not handle the situation and found someone else to replace me. I felt like dying! Now things did not work out and my lover wants me back. Be true to yourself. Make sure you are certain that your lover is in it for keeps. I've never felt pain like this before and if I can prevent someone else from going what I went through.....think hard and long about what you are giving up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): Firstly, I would like to offer my support - you are not alone. I am also in a similar situation, however mine is not a physical lover, more a very close soulmate - I have not been unfaithful with my body, but my heart. I totally agree with the 2 anonymous postings but would also like to add that it is extremely difficult to 'know' something in your mind and 'believe' it in your heart. Every part of my logic and reason tells me to get rid of the threat to my marriage, because I know it will improve the situation. I should let nothing stand in the way of my marriage. However, it is also very difficult to ignore the feel-good feelings of being loved/wanted and going against your heart - even if it is by/to another. Human nature makes us feel happy when we are loved. You also cannot 'choose' the way you feel, it happens, its a part of being you. As much as people around you will tell you that the grass is always greener, from the inside out, the grass does in fact look greener and it is difficult to fight. The question 'what if' will always arise. 'What if' my husband wasnt right for me and I will be a better person and will live a happier life with the one I have now fallen in love with. Not everybody will agree with me, but I believe you should just never 'accept' life - what is right for others is not necessarily right for you. Your instincts and feelings make you who you are. You are married - not serving a life sentence, there is a real possibility it was a mistake, that in fact your husband may not be your intended life-partner and this was just the catalyst to realising that. We all make mistakes of varying magnitudes, nobody is perfect - the main thing is that you learn from it. In saying all that, you also married your partner for a reason. And that is a huge responsiblility and committment you both made to each other, and it wasn't made lightly and certainly shouldn't be taken lightly. You must step back and look at your reasons for marriage - why did you marry your husband, what are his strengths and things you love? More importantly, can you live without them? I have recently been totally honest with my husband and we have jointly decided to have a period of separation. To really think about why we are together, what we love about each other and to ultimately find out if we cannot live apart. I regret not doing this before marrying my husband. But instead of regretting and feeling guilt and shame, it is time to get positive, face it and move on - and only one person can decide what is right - YOU. Thats the hard part... Its your life, take responsibility and start today. Good luck.
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reader, mdkisses +, writes (23 June 2005):
Hi! I am in basically the same situation (wrong or not) What the anonymous reader said; great advice! and I have to say that it is not easy when you start feeling for another person, but I do have to say that the hardest thing is, is to having to decide which one is going to be a part of your world. what the other anonymous reader said about "you dont live with the other guy dont see his bad sides you think he is better than what you already have" This is so true and something that has put my situation in a different aspect! How are you to know unless you live with him. Everyone candy coats themself to impress and attract the one they want. Remember what it was like when "we" met our husbands for the first time... Love and butterflies. It always wears off after the newness is gone (especially when it is a hard relationship); and then you are with the one you want and happier then ever or someone that has been candy coated. I hope you find your answer and whatever you decide that maybe it brings you happiness in your life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2005): I think this all boils down to getting married too young. You simply were not ready when you tied the knot and that is now becoming clear to you, perhaps you feel you havent lived, or experienced enough relationships to know whether your husband is the one for you. The other guy showing interest in you has complicated things, it appears that whenever something bad happens in your marriage you go runniung to the other guy ? is this because you genuinely needed a friend to talk to or because you wanted attention from another male when you were feeling low ? YOu need to decide wheter you do love you husband and want to make a go of it, or leave him. Only you can decide whats best, you say you have nice times with hubby, does this outweigh the bad ? Would you be feeling like this is the other guy wasnt around ? basically has the other guy clouded what you thought was a happy marriage and now because you dont live with the other guy dont see his bad sides you think he is better than what you already have ? yeah sounds complicated, the thing you need to know is do you really love your husband, and do you want to be with him, is there enough to keep the two of you together, for all you know the reason you do row a bit is because deep down you know you are cheating, it does happen and it can be very hard, but if you think you and your husband stand a chance, tell the other guy to back off. If not you owe it to yourself to move on. But do think carefully before giving up your marriage, as the grass isnt always greener.Take careand good luck.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (28 May 2005):
Cheating is wrong!.Period!! If hubby was violent before wait till he finds out about loverboy ( and he will). You looked to someone else because he was easier to deal with than your husband. You will not have success in that relationship until you leave the other one behind.
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