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female
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*ILL03
writes: I've been in a relationship for 7 years of which time we've been very happy with one another. I was aware for the off that his adult daughter wasn't too keen on our relationship. I endeavoured to be a friend to her but although she is pleasant to my face she says the oddest things that I'm sure is to cause trouble between her dad and myself.They are very close, probably more so as her mother died when she was 15.My boyfriend buys her nearly (probably everything) that she asks for. On some occassions I've been given her caste-offs as she has wanted something better.Am I been Jealous?He goes without things himself to give her what she wants and to help with the raising of her two sons....they are now 11 and 13. Her husband left her when the second child was born. I appreciate she has had some sad times but a lot of people have.My problem with all this is I'm finding it harder and harder to accept what I see happening, plus.....and this is a big plus.His daughter suggested to me that he had another lady. It's not the first time his daughter has in her own way told me about something which has been correct.Other little things started to ring alarm bells and I did what everyone else seems to do but feel dreadful about it and that is do some snooping and investigating. As to whether he did have another lady at that point in time I will never know. I know he hasn't any one other than me now. I found a picture of his daughter in a sexual pose in his belongings. Why would a father have a picture of his daughter behaving in a way that you would only behave for a lover? In a way that as his lover I know that he likes.Can anyone please give me some guidance on how I can go forward with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): I think you are going into denial and confusion here. You are grasping to find ways to explain this away. Do you believe his words or believe the evidence? But question still remains. Why would your bf.. be in possession.. of a picture of his daughter who is in a provocative, sexual pose? A pose, that is very intimately erotic and very familiar to you. I will be frank with you. If I found a picture like that in my bf's possession, I would take it and set it in front of him and ask, pointblank and firmly "why he even has it?" What purpose is this picture to him. Sure he's telling you he's hurt..he's blame shifting. Some people use this a tactic to make a smokescreen for what is really happening. Ask him why-I'd sure be watching for a reaction and listening darn hard to him, try to explain this one. You need a valid explantion or this will forever haunt you.
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female
reader, the_bettyboop_4you +, writes (31 January 2006):
 Gill03 i know exactly what you mean.I myself went through something similar to that, except the photo everything else i went through with my boyfriends daughter. Mind you i know this familly for 30 years because my boyfriends sister is my best friend for 30 years.His wife past away and when i came to the picture it was only as a friend of the familly no intrest what so ever, just for support because we are friends and they treat me like familly.He would call me at times and he would talk about his wife and the guilt he was feeling, one thing led to another and we bonded we got very close i use to talk about my problems and so would he.He started telling me about his daughter that she was taking her mothers death to the heart, and she had guilt because while the mom was sick in bed she use to get mad at her didnt want to change the mom in the night when she needed to be taken care of,she had cancer and had to be changed continually because of her medicaition it would cause her to move her bowls a lot and she didnt want to bother with that.To make a long story short when he brang me to the house to visit and meet his kids the daughter put a face and didnt want to come out the room, i met the twins nice boys but one is autistic and the other looked gay to me.After a while she started asking her father if he liked me and all hell broke loose,so i know exactly what you went through,ive been there,she started telling me lies about her Dad and the brother too.She went to the extreme of wanting to hit me and told me she was moving out because i broke her familly up,and from there on is been hell,i didnt give up im still with her Dad and she still dont like me and i dont pay no mind girlfriend finf out the truth and move on to the next level .God bless you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): I agree with the previous reader...you need to ask him "why' he had a picture like this of his daughterin a sexual position that is clearly, a position you intimately know he likes. His answer may shed some light on all this. I have to say hun..this is not morally right and I think you know that. You are in a relationship with this man..you have a right to know what is going on so you can base a clear, mature decision on where you want this relationship to go. I wouldn't hedge on this one, dear..this is serious stuff. I wish you luck...be strong and don't sweep this under the carpet. You need an answer. Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): i feel an explanation about why he has a photo like that of his daughter, has he given you one? has he spoken to his daughter and expressed how upset he is with her? im probably guessing not, something fishy is going on here,i know this is not the best advice but i suggest you look a bit harder into this.
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reader, GILL03 +, writes (27 January 2006):
GILL03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies.
I have spoken to him about the photo but I couldn't show it to him because it was no longer in the place that I found it. He did have a move round and tydy up as we all do now and again. His reation was to be hurt because of what I was suggesting. When I asked what he thought I was suggesting he said a sexual realtionship with his daughter, which he said was a terrible thing to think and that he would never do such a thing.
As to his closness with her he said that as a father he will always do everything he can to help his children. His main aim he said was to help his daughters 2 sons who do not have a father.
He said he is also angre with his daughter for saying things to me that would upset our relationship and that he does now any reason other than insecurity because of her mother dying all those years ago.
I want every thing to be ok with us but I'm now finding I don't trust or beleive what he is aying to me.
Would you beleive what he says or am I just trying to fool myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): Maybe she is the other women, and thats why she is tryng to break you 2 up, its not very likly anything is going on but there is still that chance there is and it would explain the photograph.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): I think this goes deeper than just jealously. There is definitely something weird - especially the photograph. The fact the daughter seems to be doing and saying things to try and break you up also seems very strange.Have you spoken to your husband about this? About his relationship with his daughter? Maybe you need to tell him that there are parts that you are uncomfortable with and be honest. I also agree with Irish - maybe there needs to be some discussion with an outside professional like a family counsellor. It may help you all through the issues. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): When I read your posting, my heart dropped because it appears they do have a very unhealthy, emotionally dependent relationship. I am just giving you my opinion here. I strongly feel, there is something going on here, far beyond "competing with Dad's gf for attention". Just from a responsibility standpoint, this is not a good situation and we need to factor in the emotional dependence, I really think it's just completely unhealthy and abnormal. It really sounds like 'emotional incest' and it's likely been going on for years. Probably since around the time her Mother died. Sometimes when one parent, like him..is an confused, immature, passive father (the wife did the nurturing and raising) and doesn't know what to do with this motherless daughter. He'll quite often uphold her in the "female/wife" role in their small family. I do think that in the end, there is competition. And I do understand that you are trying to get him to see the problem and what it looks like from an outsider's viewpoint. But honestly.. I don't think that 'they' want to see the problem. His daughter doesn't want to get out from under her daddy's wing anymore than daddy wants his daughter to move on with her life.. Hun, you are between a rock and a hard place. Unless lightening strikes, you might have to suck it up or pack it up... and that stinks for you. Sorry I couldn't offer any more help..this one baffles me. Perhaps someone else reading your posting has more insights. I do however, think this is highly inappropriate..and there is something more. You may want to talk to a clinical psychologist or a family counselor and gain some insight on this. But if you do find out what we think it may be...you may have some heartbreaking decisions to make. Good luck!
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