A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm dating my ex-girlfriend again. We broke up about 2 and a half years ago and she dated this other guy for about 2 years. They broke up about 9 months ago, I dated other girls but none of them really fit the bill so I decided to try again with my ex. We've been dating for a little over 3 months now. We became friends again at the beginning of the summer,and she told me about how her ex used to violently abuse her, once to the point of almost killing her. This guy still tries to get to her even while she and I are together. I convinced her to file a restraining order, but she is still afraid that he will try to get at her like he used to. This guy lives about an hour away but he still comes to where we are almost every weekend, because he used to go to the college we are at now. Sometimes he's even come in the middle of the week. Every time he is here he tries to find her out at the bars and attempts to catch her alone and threatens her or tries to grab her arm. Anyways, because of this fear she wants to stay together every night, either at her house or mine...which I don't really want to do. It's nothing against her, but that's just not what I want in a relationship right now. She says that we have to break up if I'm not able to take care of her in this way. I'm not sure what to do. I told her maybe we could stay together on the weekend nights and the couple nights leading up to the weekend, but she doesn't see that as a viable option. What do I do? Am I being selfish? Should I try to stay with her every night even though I don't really want to? I care about her and I want her to be safe, I just think that she is very emotionally scarred by this terrible experience and since I'm the only one she's told about it, I'm the only one who can be there for her, and she wants me with her every night. What should I do?
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 That is not what you want in a relationship? What then, could you possibly be seeking from this? As a boyfriend you have to make her feel safe otherwise what is the point of this? Do you just want someone to kiss and hold? Do you not want any of the burden that may follow? She is scared right now because of someone that is threatening to end her life and you expect her to be alright with you not being there for her? Yes, personally I find this selfish. If it were a problem with your schedule, that would be a different matter but all she is asking for is you staying with her at night, what is wrong with that? What is TRULY wrong with that?
She needs to get a restraining order, regardless of his future actions, a restraining order will help because they will be watching him should he threaten her again and he will be thrown in jail if he continues to harass her this way, I have no idea why is was not thrown in jail a long time ago for attempted murder. As a boyfriend, you need to help her through this, as a FRIEND you need to help her through this. As a half decent human being, you need to help her through this.
I hope that helps.
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