A
male
age
30-35,
*cott
writes:I am 20 yr old and have been dating my girlfriend Meg (who is 18) for almost a year. I have two very important questions regarding our relationship.4 months ago she was attacked, raped and beaten. When she was found she was so badly beaten that her neighbour didnt even realize it was her. She is an amazingly strong girl and has been doing very well coping with everything. She was in therapy that was offered to her through the hospital and has talked about it with me several times. She was a virgin when it happened, she said she wasnt ready for sex and I waited because I didnt want her to do something she wasnt ready for. She has asked severeal times int he last few weeks if we coudl have sex, she said she was ready and she wanted to be with me. I dont think she is ready, I think someway she is trying to forget what happened by having sex with me. Is it normal for a rape victim to want to have sex just months after being attacked?And secondly has any guys dated a girl that was raped? Before all of this happened I was more then willing to have a sexual relationship but now this happened everytime we fool around I kept thinking about this guy being on top of her and what he did to her. I get angry and disgusted. I love her with all my heart so I have no idea how to get past the thoughts.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (1 November 2012):
 I commend you for your sensitivity and for your obvious caring. She's lucky to have you at her side.
Partway down this link is a list of rape crisis lines for various Canadian cities:
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
If your city isn't there, you could google for a local resource. I know my city has a ton of resources, none of which showed up in the link. The point is that there is support and insight out there, and speaking to a counsellor on the phone will likely be of more benefit than what we can give you here.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 November 2012):
 If you and she have a really rock-solid relationship.... then I suggest that you and she take some counselling together.... so that you can get a good perspective on just the questions that you posed herein..... AND, you and she have those discussions out in the open, and in-common.
Good luck..... (and ESPECIALLY, good luck to her!!!!)....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): This is a very sensitive issue, and while it's easy to say that you need to cope with it and go with it, it's not necessarily the right course of action.
I understand your doubts that she is just trying to know that she either had sex with someone willingly or this time would be willingly, or that she's somehow giving up her virginity to you, etc., and honestly, I think she's just trying to get passed it in her own way. She probably also wants to know that you don't think she's tainted by the "incident", and are still willing to have sex with her. I don't think she's truly ready, and I think you need to discuss it with her more. If her first time with you is done for any reason other than wanting to be with you from a romantic standpoint, she will eventually look back on it as a negative experience, and I think she's been through enough of those.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Well scott personally I think you need to visit your local rape crisis centre, I don't know the Canadian version they'll be able to give you some indepth help.
I've dated more than one rape victim and/or sexual abuse victim 1 in 4 women are so it's not unusual to have partners that were.
One was brutally gang raped at gun point, her situation was the worst and being with her sexually was kind of hard after I found that out. I was always worried I'd do something in a way that one of them did it and I couldn't get the images out of my head truth be told I wish she never told me, it served no benefit to me at all, and looking back it's not something I ever needed to know.
All I can say is the feeling fades, it took a ages for it to go away for me, kept playing like a bad movie in my head.
Look scott, sex is an important part of any relationship you're going to have to fight through your feelings and the mental images and continue to fool around. When she's ready let her go on top and just go from there. Given what happened letting her have complete control was the only way I would comfortable for a while at least.
Just remember though this is all her issue, I know it hurts like hell but if she can fight through it and return to some semblance of normality then you can too. don't make this worse for her by not coping with it, you have to let it go too. Perhaps going in to the crisis centre and talking this out with some people will help make more sense to you, but you have to fight to be as normal as possible.
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