A
female
age
36-40,
*arypoppin
writes:before i start, i just want to say that there is a long history behind this story. Almost a decade to be precise. I met S when I was in high school and we became quite good friends very quickly. I had a bit of a crush on him but he was in a relationship, so I minded my boundaries. He would come over to my place and hang out after school. One day we end up making out. I tried talking about it cause I was confused but he put up a wall around him and I dropped it. A few months later, after our finals, it happened again. I tried to talk, he didn't want to. Again, I dropped it.After high school I moved to a different city for uni and I cut all my ties with him. In three years, I didn't hear anything from him. My friends were adamant that I keep in touch with him, that I give him another chance. But it was a bit hard to given all that had happened. Three years passed and I came home and found that he was single and been that way since I moved. But during those three years I had gotten close to his best friend and he and I started dating. I never got a straight answer out from S, but according to our mutual friends he didn't take it so well. My boyfriend, H, had to move town to take up his masters program, right near when we started dating. S was there whenever I needed him, hospital, work, nights out. And I had fun. We always did these things like a group thing and he hung out with his ex alot so I didn't give it much thought. My relationship with H ended due to pressures caused by long distance and his mother's disapproval, 6 months ago. Three months back, S and I start to hang out more and I began to see a side of him I really like and admire. He hangs out when he can, we spent new years eve together and planning regular night outs. Last night, he came over. While I was making him coffee, he came and hugged from the back and stooped so his chin rested on my shoulder. I asked him whether he had a long day and he said no. Later over coffee, he tells me that his ex is pregnant and then he began to get extra touchy feely with me. And then he asked me out to a movie.I'm confused as to where things are going. I'm seeing alot in him that's different and he feel different from what he used to be. But I'm also worried if all of this is just a knee jerk reaction to things in his life changing and not something real. I need some, alot of help.
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best friend, crush, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 January 2013):
Hi. You're very welcome.
If you have any more problems, please let me know here.
Or you could always write to my private mailbox - then I won't miss seeing it, if it was a completely new posting.
Thanks.
A
female
reader, marypoppin +, writes (24 January 2013):
marypoppin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks dorothy :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (24 January 2013):
Hi. So are you saying that his ex, got remarried to this other man?
And the three of them have remained friends?
Well anyway, that is good news, the baby isn't his.
Thanks for clarifying that, because it changes things a lot to what I first thought.
Well now that you have said that about the baby bit, I think the direct approach is your best course of action.
Is it possible, that before his ex moved on and got married to this other man, that your boyfriend still felt he might have a chance with her, should that relationship fail?
It's likely, I guess.
Or another possibility, is he is over his ex completely, and was holding back on showing more affections towards you until he was absolutely sure of how he felt.
Maybe, then maybe not.
I don't want to worry you when I say this, but if a man is cheating on his woman, sometimes they become extra affectionate probably fuelled by guilt, although I don't think this is the case with your man.
If it was, there would be other signs.
Like secretiveness, or hiding his mobile phone, or hanging up the phone if he's talking - as soon as he hears you walk through the door.
Things like that, but I don't think he's doing anything of the sort, is he?
Like, he hasn't changed in how he does things, or his personality hasn't changed in any way has it?
So in the absence of all those things happening, I'd say he has come to a good place emotionally, and is probably at peace with the world.
You could casually mention it to him, if you want to.
Or else, simply observe him over the next few weeks, and see if there are any changes in his behaviour at all.
It's up to you how you handle this.
Just as long as you do honestly feel you can trust him completely, and that he always treats you with dignity and respect, well then there probably is nothing to worry about at all.
So don't make it become a problem, just because you have noticed this slight change in his behaviour lately.
Instead just be aware and make sure that the changes are all positive and that he isn't trying to hide something.
Above all, just relax and enjoy his company, and try not to read too much into this change in him.
In any case, time will tell if it's temporary or permanent.
It's probably all good though.
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A
female
reader, marypoppin +, writes (23 January 2013):
marypoppin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Dorothy. Thanks for the response, I guess I really wasn't clear when I mentioned that his ex was pregnant. The ex is married and my man hasn't been intimate with her for about 5 years now. So yeah the baby's not his. When they hang out it's more of her, her husband and him. I'm just concerned that whatever new affection he has for me is coming as a knee jerk response to his ex moving on with her life. Like he's always been affectionate, but lately its been more. Like we talk more, he cuddles up more, hugs me more. I'm just worried that this is desperation on his part and not something real.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi there. The very first concern of yours now, is that his ex is pregnant.
And it's all the more of an issue, because he was hanging out again with his ex recently - before you and he got together as a couple - which I'm guessing is when she fell pregnant.
So that changes things dramatically, doesn't it?
He seems to want to be with you, although with this pregnancy to his ex, it is going to change how things pan out in future for him and you, isn't it?
And so you need to seriously discuss this with him - now rather than later - just to see what he plans to do, regards his relationship with you.
And then there's the situation of once the baby is born.
Because, then he will have to pay child allowance to his ex, for the support he is legally bound to.
As the biological father, he will also have rights to see his child at least once a fortnight, or whatever arrangement he makes with his ex.
And this could place a lot of stress on his relationship with you then, as there will be a natural bond starting to build between him and his child, as well as between him and the child's mother.
And this could make it extremely uncomfortable for you, and could cause many arguments between you and him, as a direct result of all this.
So all the more reason to have a heart to heart chat with him, about what he proposes to do, once the baby is born.
That time will come around very quickly, you will see.
And his ex might expect him to go along with her, to her monthly visits to her obstetrician, which will or could, start to bring them closer to each other again.
It has the potential to cause many problems in a very short period of time.
So please, don't delay having this chat with him for one single day longer.
Your future with him could depend on it.
You both need to be on the same page about this, right now.
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