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anonymous
writes: My parents are so over protective its unbelievable. They won't let me do the fun things that most teenagers do! What do I do? It is summer now and they get angry if I go out with my mates even in the daytime! I am 16 years old for heavens sake. I don't do bad things but they just don't trust me. Please please I really need someones help. My parents just want to cage me up and I feel so depressed that I have been harming myself but they wouldn't care.
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reader, Matt,20 +, writes (24 June 2005):
Hi there brother, listen man, you and I are guys and I went through your age, and trust me, we believe we know the world, that we are grown up but hey, I'm 20 and yet still have probs with parents and where I go, so please don't say "I am 16 years old for heavens sake" which sounds you are big enough for this you believe that you are, well, let me tell you something brother, no one in this world is big enough, everyone is small in this world and age of being adult or knowing the dangers aren't ruled by the LAW by within your self to know what's right and wrong, what you are doing now is over reacting to things that needs to cool down, and you must start with your self first brother... take it easy and be in your dad's shoes... what would you do ? and don't let me that you will let go your son out with friends... todays world , what teenagers do are crazy and beyond your imaginations, you parents have a point there on protecting you. think about it this way, everything has A REASON. Matt,20
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2005): :O please you should really not harm youself it will get you no where .i used to but for different reasons theres no point trust me.You parents need to realise that your 16 you need to be able to do your own thing cause thats all you have. im 15 and i dont really to my parents anymore because if i did then id be the same as you .does not going out make you feel lonely?? because thats why your harming youself .take care hunny. thank you luv franxx
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 June 2005):
 OK, hon, take a deep breath.
It's not just your parents who get angry, is it? Your wrath and rage lances out of your question like a hot rapier through custard. You're frustrated at your folks and you're probably lashing out in anger... and that's not winning you any points when it comes to proving to them how mature and responsible you can be! And maturation is what your parents need to see, so that they know you can take care of yourself.
Yes, it seems like a Catch-22. They won't let you take risks, so you can't prove you'll take them wisely. But I want you to stop focussing on yourself for a minute. Think of this as an exercise in empathy and adult reasoning.
Step back and try your damnedest to see things through their eyes for a moment. They've only ever known you as a dependant child and now you're turning into something else, something closer to an adult. They don't know how to take care of an adult, because you've never been one before. They're lost on what to do. They love you, and they're used to protecting you, so they want to make every effort to prevent you being hurt. So they're afraid to let you out, to let you try anything without their supervision.
Think of it this way: imagine you adopted a wee, tiny golden retriever puppy, just a few days old. You had to feed it by hand, keep it warm at night, give it a cuddle when it was lonely, clean its messes, teach it not to run in the road. You've watched it grow into a playful, healthy, smart... well, pup. You really love that little ball of fluff. But now the pup's a bit older and the rules say you have to fling open the door and let the pup go play and take care of itself, hopefully to be OK and bring itself back to you at the end of the day.
Where do you start? How to you let go of something you love? Can you trust that the pup will remember everything you taught it about being safe? It's a dangerous world out there! What if someone wants to hurt it? Aaagh!
Your parents aren't ogres, locking you up for their own sadistic pleasure! They're terrified that something bad is going to happen to you and they're reacting by trying to protect you, the person they love and raised for all these years.
The first step for you then, is to stop being so egocentric. The world doesn't revolve around you or your teenage angst. You're certainly not the first person in the world with this problem. "Harming" yourself is as cliched as it is pointless. Smarten up. Stop being a sook. Whining, moaning and threatening is not the way to show that you're ready for adult responsibilities, is it?
If you want your folks to start to trust you and give you the freedom you crave, you need to demonstrate that you're trustworthy. You need to show that you're becoming a young adult. Remember this: Children stamp their feet and demand what they want ("You never let me do anything! I hate you!"). Rational adults accept that the world doesn't always turn their way and have more realistic expectations.
The way to get their attention is to behave like the adult that you know you're becoming. Discuss your frustration with them, and ask for compromise. Explain that you feel left out of socialising with your friends and ask what you need to do to demonstrate that you're worthy of their trust.
Be prepared to start with small steps!
For example, to get the spotlight on what a wonderful young person you've become, think of others before yourself. Get dinner started when you get home, so someone else doesn't have to do it. Throw a load of washing into the machine when the wet towels start to build up. Vacuum. Volunteer to go to the shops for milk when you run out.
These are little things that demonstrated a great deal.
Then, when you're basking in the glow of their wonderment and appreciation, you start negotiations. "Mum, I'd really like to hang out with Trev and Natalie tomorrow. We're just going to the park, then to the movies. I'd be home by 7. I'll even ring you from the cinema, so you know I'm OK."
Negotiation, consideration, discussion. Try to see it from their point of view. If they still say no, scale it back a bit, try for slightly less. Again, you might need to explain your feelings of social isolation, but you have to make every effort to do it without whining, or demanding. Act like an adult and you're more likely to be treated like one.
No, it's not easy and I'm sorry to say that there's no quick fix that will make your parents see things your way.
Part of the difficulty of being 16 is that you don't have much else to compare it to. You can't see that when you're 18 this will be an issue that you've resolved and probably wondered what you worried about. But it is, and you will. Trust this wrinkled old prune of 43 summers. This too, shall pass.
My short answer is: Try to act like the adult you want to be and you'll have a better chance of persuading the oldies.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (23 June 2005):
Please! Do not hurt yourself! I cannot speak for them but maybe a voluntary action on your part will help,like ( for a few months) when you are out and about, call home...tell them where you are, what you are doing and who you are with. I know it sounds like an invasion of your privacy but the effort to ease thier minds might help give you more breathing room.
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