A
female
age
36-40,
*owderedheart
writes:I didn't start dating until I was 20, but I never had a serious relationship until I was 23. But the first boy I dated when i was 20, only for 3 months, but he was the sweetest, cutest, most lovely boy, and til now I still think about how wonderful he was. And I was really mean to him. Anyway, wow, it's been 6 years now, and he recently found me and added me to one of those social networks, and he's married. And it's driving me crazy. I don't think it was really meant to be, because we are so different, but I really like him as a person. I'm not sure what these feelings I'm feeling right now are, guilt, for being callous with his emotions, remorse for maybe what might have been? I've recently accepted that my recent relationship has failed (after a year of debating it to myself), maybe that's why I'm so nostalgic, but I don't want to keep living in the past. I don't know what to do. I mainly feel it's guilt, but he is happy now, and doesn't seem to hold anything against me. Help me get over this! What should I do?!? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 July 2009):
 Don't be sad honey. I think I can speak for a lot of women when I say that those of us who love someone honestly and deeply and then have that love end...face the most desperate kind of pain.
It seems that there are a good deal more kind and loving women out there than there are men. Singles sites, clubs and lonely heart columns are proof that the girls outweigh the boys by about a third in their search for the love of their life. It adds even more insult to injury if you had a 'good' one and he got away and is now with someone else.
It all seems so unfair and you imagine you won't ever find happiness again. This in itself can be self destructive as self esteem falls and your mood suffers. The older you get, the worse it gets as a lot of older men actually prefer either to date much younger women or choose to stay batchelors. That said, none of us know what lies in the future. It is up to us to promote ourselves in a positive way and try to live a fulfilled life, despite the knock backs that life gives us.
Life is seldom fair but you can choose to embrace the other elements that make up your life. Family friends, your job, your health, your home, your hobbies all offer you opportunities to improve who you are...you just have to take control. I know it's hard but you are a young woman with lots of time ahead of you to change things for the better.
Take it from one who knows...and God knows I have wallowed in grief over too many men in my life.
Stop looking at how they are and what they are doing...it just brings around meaningless pain. It's hard to do at first when your obsessing about someone but as the days and weeks pass, it does get easier and you find you have days where you don't think of them at all.
You have suffered long enough...make a change...and choose happiness!!!
Please let me know how you get on.
Hugs!!!
Aunty Em xxxxx
A
female
reader, powderedheart +, writes (6 July 2009):
powderedheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi AuntyEm,
You're right, and i would never mess around with a married person. I just really appreciate the kind of person he is, and we are not compatible in so many ways anyway, (religion, lifestyle, diet). I am trying to focus on myself but there is still too much time alone to think, I cant believe its been a year since i saw my ex-bf and i am still a mess. i am sad.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 July 2009):
Its probably a little late for guilt and I am sure your recent break up has left you a little down and pining for when things were happy in your life. This guy appears back on the scene and you are naturally drawn to the good experiences you had with him...but I think you know it's a fools paradise.
It's probably best to just wish him well and consider the matter closed.
It's a cliche but we all (us agony aunts) say it after a break up...but...focus on yourself, find something simple that gives you enjoyment (something that doesn't involve you getting in between married people). It won't heal your hurt completely...but it's a start and all great journeys, both real and metaphorical, begin with the first step.
(Im not a big fan of networking sites, I think they have degraded moral values somewhat and seem to be the breeding ground for cheating and breaking or established relationships. It's all so easy to start something that has no right to be started and the deception is easily hidden up...but it goes on en masse these days and has caused untold misery)
Build yourself a bridge honey...and just get over it, it's a store of misery.
Aunty Em xxx
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