A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a little concerned with my fiance and him talking to his ex. We have been together for over 2 years now and are getting married next year. I recently saw his ex (from a while ago) start sending him messages through facebook. I saw them come through his email which is always logged in on our computer.This woman used to be so obsessed with my fiance, and is even married now, but she never totally got over him. Now she finds him on facebook and he didn't really mention it. I had to bring it up and he just said that she had found him on it...no big deal.So last night i see the messages - i don't know what they say. I ended up letting my snoopy side get the best of me, and I looked at his facebook account. I see that he deleted the messages from his inbox which I find VERY weird. I could still see the conversation on sent items box, and the conversation seemed pretty harmless.The part that bothers me, is that he keeps it from me and that he even went as far as deleting the messages afterward.Am I being over paranoid, or should I confront him and say it bothers me that hix ex and him are having private conversations on facebook?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): The guy has asked you to marry him, he has a past, his ex contacted him on facebook, he didn't go calling her up, perhaps he is just keeping in touch to let her know he is marrying, how do you know?
Unless he starts acting more weirdly, I would let this go. Give him a chance to tell you about it, he may know you would be jealous and doesn't want to cause waves.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (18 August 2009):
 Listen. You definitely want this to be cleared up before you get married. One thing you should know is that if you go snooping however, you're going to find at least one thing that bothers you. You already have it in your head that something bad is going to be found, so even if you find something that isn't necessarily the end of the world, you already have that negative approach to it. My first question: do you have a facebook too? I'm assuming that if you do, then you would have seen that he did become friends with this ex on facebook. So he isn't really hiding too much. The second question is: does he delete all of his old messages? Or the ones just sent from her? The fact that there were still the sent messages hints towards two things. He is stupid, or he just deletes all the messages in his inbox. I'm leaning toward the second choice. People talk to their exes. You two have been together for how many years? I'm pretty sure that if he hasn't really contacted her before this, he is over her anyway. You said that the conversation was innocent, so what is there to be upset about? He didn't lie to you and say that he wasn't talking to her. He even left his email open so you would know that the two of them were talking. Is this find worth mentioning? I wouldn't think so. People talk on facebook, that's usually what happens. And chances are even if you forbid him to talk to this girl, he is going to do it anyway. Why don't you just trust him? I honestly don't see anything wrong with what he is doing. It's not like he's hiding it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): My mentor is nearing is mid 60's, has a nearing 40 wife and two children. He has done many great things in his life, that most of us around the world will never even consider doing, let alone experience.
One of the many things I greatly admire him on, is that he is able to keep himself constantly opened to questions and will freely answer them if he feels it does not offend his integrity. He has never done anything that would warrant distrust, disloyalty and suspect of being a cheat.
What I truly love about my mentor is that he has his own 'secrets' and his own correspondences with other people, that his wife respects. In our past, we have spoken about many topics, including past relationships with people, his more youthful and 'questionable' deeds in that youth and what tops it all, is when his wife came by with a bottle of wine and said to me, "(name) never tells me anything." - as a light hearted 'joke', while her husband (my mentor) smiles at her then wish her a good night.
Indeed, not everyone on this planet can have such a respectful, admirable relationship, but often times, I believe we should all look towards this family as a model to 'better' our own.
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To directly assign myself to your issues, paranoia is often the works of personal insecurity - no matter how big or how subtle. Yes, I believe you can confront him, so long as you are 'prepared' to respect his privacy.
I often 'preach' being openly communicative, but it seems some people take that approach too 'extremely'. You may find that open communication does not necessarily reveal details, but it does reveal the basic actions.
Eg: let's say you and I are dating and an ex lover emailed me. There is no reason why I need to tell you. However, if you 'snooped' and found out an ex emailed me and confronted me, "I saw that an ex emailed you" - I would sigh first and foremost, followed by saying, "Yes. What else would you like to know?"
Indeed, some people may disagree that I should chalk up an entire list of things I did and interacted with for my girlfriend, but that sort of thing would destroy my integrity as a person.
[sigh]
It is unfortunate you allowed your insecurity to get the better of you and now you must find a way to satisfy your paranoia. This may cause rifts in your relationship. However, since you do not actually 'trust' your fiance, I suggest you do confront him and clear this up as much as he can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Thanks! I agree...I think it sounds fishy, but then it could be that he just doesn't want me to get "bothered" by him and her having a harmless conversation.I have talked to a couple of my friends and some think I should say something to him and others think I should hold back and see if anything more comes up.My fiance is a really nice and caring guy, he likes to keep in touch with everyone and wouldn't just ignore her. He does not like it if I EVER act jealous at all. I wouldn't say I am overly jealous, just that I am smart and I can tell when things should or shouldn't bug me (sometimes he doesn't see this like I do).If I do bring this up, this is going to cause a Huge fight, I just don't know if I can keep it all in either....
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A
female
reader, Chinna +, writes (18 August 2009):
WoW! not to scare you but i just think its kind of fishy...i would prefer to tell him what you ended up doing because you dnt want to get hurt...be honest take it out of your chest(not as an arguement) discuss the situation...let him know that you are bothered.if
there are no kids..there shouldn't be no attachments..he wouldnt want you to talk to an ex on line niether. If he loves you and respects you he would put a stop to it especially when you guys are going to marry.
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