A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee has an overwhelming fear of not being accepted by my family members and she finds it hard to trust me, rely on me to sort things out for her. I feel anxious myself because of her situation as i deeply care for her and want her to pass through a hassle free marriage. Are her fears irrational and common for most girls getting married? What is my role in helping her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): It sounds like she needs a confidence booster. I suffer from the same problem with not thinking that my husbands family really accepts me or even likes me. I know that if I can accept myself, and like who I am...other people will too. I've enrolled in some courses, (things I like to do, or want to learn). It's a start anyway.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): If her fear is overwhelming and she's finding it hard to trust...it sounds like she's been hurt by someone in her past, that she loved and trusted wholly. Have you ever talked to her about this? I feel it's normal for all of us to be nervous, a bit edgy when meeting our loved one's family. That is human but usually, we accept it has to be done and we do it. It might help if you were to tell your family, that she's quite scared to meet them and ask them for support in making her feel as welcome as possible.
Sometimes in life, when good, nice people unfortunately receive less than optimal approval or love in their past, they often don't develop that crucial part of themselves that helps them to feel valuable and valid, simply on their own. Without this piece of themselves fully developed, they need to supplement their sense of worth with the full approval of others. It appears she may feel she needs your family's full approval to function happily with you and she's terrified if she doesn't get that, it will be too painful for her to bear. If this is the case for you, you may want to get her to see a therapist..just to help her deal with the baggage that may be encomapssing this relationship. Support and love her..to your best ability and help her through this. Good luck dear and I wish you both the best.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (13 October 2007):
Some people feel like they have to impress and act a certain way 24/7. Usually the females hold onto this fear, and in reality the guys seem to be the ones rejected by her family. It is an odd dynamic.
Perhaps she has been rejected by families of boyfriends' past. Tommy is right about the family function invites, but the trick will be trying to get her to go in the first place. After that hurdle, it may start smoothing out and get easier or it might end up like Uncle Phil's second wife. It depends on her and only time can tell this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): My second wife was like this. It started off ok, but soon deteriorated.
She had an irrational belief that she wasn't good enough for my family, and that they were against her. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Later, she became ignorant towards them, even hopping into her car and disappearing without saying a word if any of my relatives came to visit. She tried to drive a wedge between me and my brother, and a cousin.
The marriage lasted 7 years. There were other factors involved but this was a big one.
Blood is thicker than water. Beware.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (13 October 2007):
Invite her to more familt functions. Hang arround your family more. Maybe this will ease her fear. Tell her she is marrying you and not your family. After the marriage it will be just you and her against the world.
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