A
female
age
36-40,
*selu08
writes:I'm engaged to this guy I have been dating for 3 years. I love him very much, but a lot of things that he does, or doesn't do, makes me very unhappy. He is a firefighter. So he works 10 days a month. Because these are 24 hour shifts, he argues that he works more than I do. In all actuality, they do nothing but transfer from one recliner to another. I work full time, and I am also in college to get a better job to make more money for us. In the meantime, while I am scraping for pennies, he blows his money on ridiculous items for his obsessive hunting habit. He spends thousands of dollars a year on things for hunting. Meanwhile, we are living in a run down town home. He is doing nothing to save money. I also do all of the cleaning and whatever cooking I can do in my spare time. He will sit at home all day and do nothing and I have to come home to clean after him and cook supper. I really like to do things for him, but sometimes it would be nice to come home to a dinner he has cooked for me. Or just anything to let me know he appreciates me and is thinking about me. When I finally get frustrated and tell him that I need help around the house, he just cuts me down and tells me that I barely do anything. He says I'll "cook tacos" or something easy once a month. When just yesterday, I spent 3 hours on a meal for him. I bring up serious problems that ruins marriages such as finances and no help around the house. He tells me I'm just looking for a reason to fight and if I am so unhappy I should just leave and that he's tired of me bitching. I love him but I don't know what to do anymore. Someone please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I can totally relate to your situation. I ended up marrying my guy, and I can tell you now, nothing changes. Once you get married, you have signed up to accept that person for better or worse. So think seriously about whether you can put up with his habits for the rest of your life. If not, then I hope you have the courage to leave and find happiness elsewhere. Good luck!
A
female
reader, mselu08 +, writes (11 November 2010):
mselu08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. All of you have very good advice. I know in my heart that he won't change, and I have no choice but to leave. The hard part is finding the strength to do it. Thank you everyone.
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A
female
reader, mselu08 +, writes (11 November 2010):
mselu08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clear up the "firefighter" thing, we live in an area where the most excitement he gets is picking a senior citizen up off the floor. He didn't take this job for the satisfaction of helping people. He took it for all of the vacation time.
I think you're right. I am just beginning to resent him more and more.
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A
female
reader, mylassie10 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Well I understand how hard it is to still love someone so much even when they are difficult to get along with but at the end of the day it's your life. You are currently experiencing what it will be like to be married to him. Being married will most likely not change him so unless you are okay with living your life this way, I think you should seriously evaluate your relationship. Even if he was really great to you in the beginning, he has gotten comfortable or is showing his true colors and there is slim to none chance of him changing. He wants to be taken care of and do what he wants to do, not thinking about how you may feel. Marriage is a partnership, and this situation your in is far from it. Unless you are able to have a heart-to-heart talk and get through to him and he changes, I don't think he deserves you and everytime you've tried to talk to him, he doesn't want to hear it. Without communication, a relationship can't work at least not where both partners are happy. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders with working and going back to school to ultimately make more money. I think you'll be fine on your own if you decide to leave him and you'll meet someone eventually who will appreciate you! I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Well, this doesn't sound like it's going to change. It's also hard to argue with a guy who charges into burning buildings when he's not sitting on his butt.
I know you love him, but if talking has failed and he is content to live in a mess, there's not much you can do to change it. I suspect his callousness is part of the attraction, but I could be wrong.
I'd say call of the engagement - it might leave him better for the next girl, and would give you a chance to find a more helpful guy. If you marry him, though, you have to accept it as the price of admission, since you will have married knowing exactly what you were getting into.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Well I can promise you that he is being 100% himself and this will NOT change when you get married.
I suggest counseling right now. If that doesn't work, you'll have to decide whether you can handle this or not for the rest of your life. If not, then you might have to re-evaluate and walk away. Its difficult being with a lazy person.
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