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My ex seems too busy to meet me, but not too busy to meet an online acquaintence...

Tagged as: Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 October 2005) 3 Answers - (Newest, 20 October 2005)
A female , *heera writes:

What would you make of my ex-boyfriend's behaviour? We split in March of this year, after a six-month relationship, as he had a lot of 'baggage'.

Recently, we have discussed reconciliation, but not on a serious basis to begin with, as 'baggage' might resurface. He cancelled a meeting with me a week ago because of problems with his ex-wife and their two teenage sons: I believe this to be genuine. At that time he also told me that he was busy all weekend: sorting out issues with his ex-wife and doing urgent repairs at former marital home which he still half-owns.

Subsequently, I discovered (how is too complicated to go into) that he had told a new dating-site contact that he would be free to meet her at any time on Sunday. After telling me that he was busy all Sunday! The new contact cancelled.

Later, I sent my ex an email suggesting that he and I might meet on Sunday (of course, not letting on). I wouldn't normally have done this after he had said he was busy and given what sounded like a valid reason. But, in the circumstances, of course I had to find out what he would say about Sunday. He sent me an email, the tone of which was affectionate, saying that he had already told me that he was busy! This was last Friday.

There was no further contact between us until Sunday. He sent another friendly email saying he couldn't possibly get away and that he'd contact me 'later' to arrange another meeting. I have not contacted him since and, Tuesday night, he has not yet contacted me. I say that the ball is definitely in his court. Please do you have any insight into the reasons for his behaviour? And what would you advise me to do, please?

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, my ex

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2005):

Wendyg agony auntHarsh as this sounds.... Hes keeping you in limbo until something else comes along... if this something else comes along and he deems it better then he will have no doubts in telling you its over for good.

Move on dont be his little puppy waiting around for him to say when he wants to get back together... be strong and walk away hes an ex for a reason... find someone else... you clearly wont hanging around waiting for him to decide if you have a future, make your own future one without him!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2005):

From a man's point of view I have to say this is priceless. You know he doesn't want a relationship with you because he is checking out online dates. You know he is lying about his availability to you, and still you persue him. He's laughing in your face. What is this amazing quality that this guy has? He's obviously quite exceptional. He must be a brain surgeon, male model, who spends his Sundays at the Good Samaritans.

I apologise for this sounding harsh, but sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind. It's down to you to figure out how to move on from this one, but deep down I feel you know it's over.

The good news is that endings are the start of new beginnings, and the excitment of new relationships is something you have to look forward to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2005):

Yes, the ball is definitely in his court & if he chooses to move on and chooses not call you, leave this situation alone. Dear, please take all these clues and just accept that your ex-bf is likely not interested in a reconciliation with you. Actions really do speak so much louder than words and it's time you took the blinders off and see what is really happening. You and he have broken up and he's well within his right to date others and you should take a clue from that and do the same. But he should be more honest with you instead of keeping you hopeful and hanging on. In effect, he's lying and it says a lot about his untrustworthy character traits. Lying is destructive and that should be a "red flag" and you should take note of that. But...dear, he's on dating sites looking for other women-what does that tell you? You may have convinced yourself that reuniting with him would be nice, because he's "familiar and comfortable" and it can be daunting to face the dating world again. But allow yourself to grieve first and heal from this man. The self-respect, the courage and satisfaction you will find doing this for yourself, will be liberating and put you on the road to realizing you don't need this guy. Brave choices means your self-respect will be well earned, dear. Forget him-never shortchange yourself to finding another wonderful man, that will love you and make you "number one" lady in his life. You do deserve so much more. Find your self-value as a good, quality woman and refuse to be a backup girl because that may happen. Accept that it's done and he made his choice to move on without you. I know it's painful, dear but the sooner you can accept this-the sooner you can heal and recover from this situation. Take this life lesson and learn something good from it. When you do find another nice man to date, go slow and take your time. Make sure he is over the "all the baggage" and can love you in equally fair, honest, open way. Don't accept anything less. Treat life as an adventure and retain a healthy, happy, confident outlook on life. I wish you well. Take care and stay strong.

Hugs,

Irish

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