A
female
age
36-40,
*littlebroken
writes:I am feeling really distraught at the moment. I broke up with my ex a year ago now, and I still can't get over him. I even went to see a psychiatrist for 4 months after the break up because I was a complete mess. I feel like I still get upset about him every single day. How can I move on and forget about him? I get very angry at myself for still getting upset about him. I feel like he has taken everything good away from me. When we met I was confident, chatty, loved meeting new people, going out, etc. I felt beautiful and happy. During the time we were together, he would put me down, call me ugly, worthless. He slowly made me feel so unconfident that I was scared to go out or make new friends, and soon enough I just didn't want to and lost motivation altogether. He manipulated me all the time, one day he would say he loved me more than anything, the next he hated my guts. He would be nice to me when he wanted sex, then the next day he would leave and I would get ignored until he wanted sex again.On top of all this, he was overly jealous, and would call me a slut if another guy even looked at me. And other guys did look at me, so he made sure to put me down all the time on my looks, my clothes, everything, so that I wouldn't leave him for someone else (which I wouldn't have done anyway). During this time, my mum had cancer, and I had a miscarriage, and he did not support me in anyway. He was totally selfish and did not care or help me at all. He was always depressed and moody. In the end I had enough and broke it off.I just can't stop thinking about all this stuff. I sound tragic, don't I? I finally got rid of him and I'm still letting him affect me a year later. What do I do? The whole time we were together I thought he was the one, and that we were meant to be, two halves of one whole. I always hoped he'd change, but he never did. How the hell do I move on?
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 From the little bit of what you have told about your ex, I suspect he actually may have an AXIS II Personality Disorder, such as Borderline or Narcissistic. Being exposed to this much pathology changes your thinking and your world view and it is pretty common not to be able to stop thinking about your abuser, and sort of ping pong back and forth in your mind about whether or not he is good or bad.
He is most definately bad for you, and you should no longer have any contact at all with him, that is first and foremost to your recovery.
The other thing you can do is to read about both of these personality disorders and how a relationship with one of these people starts, progresses and ends, they follow a pattern. It helps to put a face on what and who he is and realize that you were manipulated into the relationship, and that he is the disordered one and that there is nothing you can do or could have done to fix this. Be very glad that you are out of it, because the longer you stay in a relationship like this the more psychological damage to you, there is always inevitable harm to you in these relationships.
You may want to find another therapist who won't call you co-dependent, because that isn't what this is about, find someone who is familiar with AXIS II personality disorder and how to treat the aftermath victims of relationships with these people. You will learn alot too, about yourself, and why you may have been attracted to or chosen by him in the first place, and learn the red flags of personality disordered people so that you can avoid getting into another relationship like this one, which you are in danger of doing.
Start reading on this web site saferelationshipsmagazine.com. Google Romeo Is Bleeding...that will pull up some articles about romantic reationships with Borderlines, also google Borderline Males, and you will get some other articles by Sherry....somebody...
See if the following list rings true about your EX:
BEHAVIORS THAT MAY INDICATE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.
Moody – switches from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation.
Survive on threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them.
They do not take responsibility for their behavior.
They have to be right. They have to win. They have to look good.
Very slow to forgive others. They hang on to resentment.
Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with love partner.
Tendency to project their own shortcomings onto the world about them – frequent blaming. Never at fault.
Ready rationalization – rarely at a loss for words – twists conversation to divorce themselves from responsibility.
Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen – but short-lived. They give you hope that they are changing, but return soon to deviant behavior.
In a trust relationship, inevitably betray and violate their commitments and get blocked emotionally when they get too close to those they say they love.
They have no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions. Conversation goes per their direction. They have the last word always.
Can show tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to their personality are seen.
They never seem to get enough of what they want. They leave others feeling drained and confused.
Highly contradictory. He loves me, he hates me. They threaten their partner with poverty, then indulge their partner or the relationship.
You end up feeling responsible for the problem. They get to your feelings. No matter what -- they win, you lose.
Attitude of “I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don’t, I’ll find someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”
They are so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill, and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love and hope.
Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.
Self-centeredness. They come first and foremost. Are insincere about real interest in other people.
Little if any remorse for mistakes
Poor judgment
Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility
Inability to profit from experience – does not learn a lesson from making mistakes
Inability to postpone immediate gratification – what they want, they want now. Impulsive and demanding
Conflict with, or defiance of, authority
Lack of appreciation for the consequences of their actions
Little if any conscience
Behavior develops little sense of direction – often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong
Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs
Often involved with illegal or unethical acts
Shallow interpersonal skills – inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions. Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.
Ability to put up a good front to impress and exploit others
Can con to get what they want to meet their needs, often at the expense of others
The behavior is highly repetitious and many people are used.
They see others as pawns on a chess board. Maneuver people around for their own purposes. When done with others, they checkmate or reject them.
When they are trapped, they just keep talking or change the subject, or get angry.
Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalties to any person, group, or code
Chronic lying
Does/did poorly in school with attendance, grades, attitudes, and relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with parents over school performance.
Chip on shoulder attitude – cocky and arrogant
Rebellious to parents’ authority. Violates standards of the home frequently.
They cancel commitments without sound reason or warning.
They use friends for money, transportation, favors, time, attention, etc.
A taker – not a giver. They give for show and expect something in return.
They live life by avoiding responsibility vs. getting the job done.
Poor self-motivation – often described as lazy and listless. Lack ambition. Not helpful with routine chores.
Fun is the cornerstone of their lives.
Sexually curious or active. Place great importance on their sexual abilities. Sexual partners often feel used and demanded of.
Lack well-defined values.
They come across initially as caring and understanding and read others "like a book" because they make it their business to know how to maneuver people.
Angry mood most of the time.
They use sex to control, cover their insecurity or make up after a fight.
Poor planner with time and activity
Excessively concerned with personal appearance; e.g., hair, weight, the car they drive, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming
Seem to enjoy disturbing others. Like to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.
Feel entitled to the good life without working for it.
Others get upset when in their presence. There’s a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that they create in others.
Poor work history – quitting, being fired, interpersonal conflicts
They repeatedly fail to honor financial obligations. Do not pay the bills in a responsible and timely way.
Flirtatious, overly friendly. They make inappropriate sexual comments.
They seldom express appreciation. Again, they are thinking of their needs not the needs of others.
Grandiose. Convinced that they know more than other people and are correct and right in almost all they say and do..
Clueless as to how they come across to others and to how they are viewed. They get defensive when confronted with their behavior. Never their fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere, but soon repeat the offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.
Motive for behavior is usually self-serving, and they do not recognize it.
Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.
They break their partner's spirit to keep them dependent.
Sabotage anything that makes their partner happy. Want partner to be happy only through them and to have few or no outside interests, friends or relationships with family.
They are always working somebody over – either subtly or aggressively - for a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.
Double standard. They're free to do their thing, but expect others to be what they want them to be, do what they want them to do. They don't let others be themselves.
Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in their perception of a problem. Are adamant that people side with them vs. allowing people to feel or believe differently.
They hide who they really are from everyone. No one knows the real person inside.
They scorn everyone and everything that they disagree with. They do not allow for differences to be respected and they scorn the responsible world.
Difficult to pin them down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with. They resist all efforts to define their values, behaviors, standards.
Kind to you usually only if they are getting from you what they want.
They announce, not discuss. They tell, not ask.
They do not discuss openly beforehand. You get to deal with after the fact information.
They control money of others but spend freely on themselves and others.
They win at the expense of your feelings. They think only of the end result without considering your feelings or needs in the process.
Unilateral condition of, "I’m OK and justified, so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas."
The hurt they describe is because they got caught, or they're mad that you’re mad, and not because they believe they made a mistake.
Secret life. You’re often wondering what they do or who they are that you don’t know about.
They always feel misunderstood.
Most of the time you feel miserable living with this person. When it’s good, you relish the peace, but that is usually short lived.
Are usually through listening once they've made their arguments.
You talk about their feelings, not yours.
Unchallenged by others because people seem to be put off by them, afraid of them, or they are elusive.
Are not interested in problem-solving openly.
Seem very interested in discerning personalities, so that they can strategize how to manipulate them.
They determine how, when, where we talk, and about what they want to talk about.
Pervasively insecure. Covers it by over-talking, over-controlling, or over-indulging, but seldom if ever owns and works through his insecurity.
Labels all mental health providers as quacks if he cannot out-smart them or if they figure him out. Does not last long in therapy.
Try this one: ask him what behaviors or attributes he needs to overcome or change.
Expect denial or a lot of rambling words that mean nothing.
Expect narcissistic rage if called on his behavior.
Remember that he can only love one person at a time – and that person is himself.
Poor listener. Easily distracted and avoidant. Changes the subject. Cannot reflect back with sincerity on what the other person has said.
When he’s with people, the presentation is Here I am rather than there you are.
The underlying attitudes are like the guy who says to his girlfriend (after he’s been talking excessively about himself), “Oh, enough about me. What do you think about me?”
The ultimate goal is to have power over others.
They are the bad boys of our societies. Women are charmed by their slick words and looks, compliments and wild edge lifestyle. Women often divorce them and then remarry another character disordered person.
A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Oh, wow. That is such a horrible experience he put you through, and it must be frustrating to still be stuck thinking about him. However, from all that I've read it's normal for people who've been abused (yes, he abused you) to feel an attachment to their abuser, even though they were treated horribly. So don't worry, you're not alone and you're not weird.
My basic advice for moving on is to fill your life up with "great stuff". Not stuff like material goods (clothes, techie gadgets, whatever) but activities, experiences, and fun challenges. In my experience, it's not that time heals all wounds, it's that "great stuff" heals all wounds; the more you fill up your life with stuff you love, the less energy, thought, and memory you can devote to the horrible crap from your past. It worked for me and getting over my ex (who was not horrible like your ex but also put me down and neglected me unless he wanted sex).
Here are some of the things I did (they align with my interests and aren't an exact formula for healing, but I'm sure you can think up similar things that interest you--physical exercise IS a must though!):
Took a watercolor class at a local museum
Took a digital photography class
Taught myself some Pilates and weight-lifting moves from exercise magazines
Took up jogging
Went on a 2-week road trip with a friend
Did a year of therapy (which you've already done some)
Wrote a novel
Moved away
So that's my general advice for getting over a bad past experience. It took me a while to find out that that's what worked for me, and I hope it works for you.
In your case, I have additional advice. Your last bit about "The whole time we were together I thought he was the one...I always hoped he'd change, but he never did" makes me think that you might have some codependent thinking going on. I know that's what I had going on. If that's the case and you want to work through it, I have some books to recommend to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282925924&sr=8-1
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and the sequel
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Beyond-Codependency/dp/1567312187/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282926538&sr=8-2
Good luck! I really feel for you. You can make it through this.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Does a guy who tells you you're worthless, ugly, says he hates you, calls you a slut, isn't there for you when you've had a miscarriage, your mom had cancer, and makes you feel the lowest of low deserve any more thought from you? No!!! He still has a hold on you, even though you're not with him he's still getting the best of you. I'm sorry that you had to go through this emotional abuse but he has torn and pushed you down. You have to pick yourself back up, that's the only way you have to go..Give yourself more self worth than he did. He didn't deserve you, he was nothing but an insecure, worthless, bullying, waste of space, inconsiderate piece of crap. Sorry but he wasn't the one, the one doesn't treat you like dirt. You are a gorgeous, strong, secure, sensible, confident, extroverted woman at one time...you can be her again, it's still in you. Think of every negative thing he's said to you, then how much pain he has caused you....now you're starting to feel a little mad, he doesn't deserve anymore tears. Now think he will get his one day for treating you like this he is being judged by a higher power. Then, say to yourself "I am a strong woman, you do not have a hold on me." Repeat it, till you start understanding it then scream it if you have to! You are releasing the hold your ex still has on you, now that you've fully let him go work on making you happy again. Remember you've hit the bottom and you can only go up from her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. Know that is wuite common and that with time you will get better. I think it's great that you sought professional help; it shows courage and willposer. You should even consider keeping that up.
I think i read somewhere that for every yeart you are in a serious relationshop, it takes 3 months to "get over it" once it comes to an end. This means that if it laster 4 years, for example, you can expect to get over it in a year or more!
Best og luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person.
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