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age
26-29,
writes: i'm married to a navy man. he travels alot an we spend alo of time apart. in the beginning of our relationship I found a lot of porn on is computer. he had xx sites saved to his faves. when i asked him about it, he said that it was from a time that he was single and "feeling neglected". i believed him. since then i haven't found anything but one night he told me that he was looking at porn out of curiousity. he said it didn't turn him on. he said he couldn't believe some of the "free porn" sites and how easy it is to have sex with random people. i felt like this as a lie based on all the porn he had already saved on his computer; horny wives dating services-sex sites-erotic services. i asked him to show me the sites he went to and he said he erased any trace of them from his computer. what this said to me was that he could easily view these sites behind my back and i'd never know. if he was honest and said that he likes to look at porn- i might trust him- but at this point i feel the dishonesty is what is bothering me. i spoke to him about it, but he still denies ever looking at porn during our relationship and that he doesn't remeber ever looking or hiding it. i recall the incident clearly- but he forgot? my dilemma is that i don't want him to be afraid to be honest with me- and that i feel like i don't even really know him.i told him all this but he says that looking at porn was such a small passtime that he doesn't mind not looking anymore. should i believe this? i also found that he hid a swimsuit mag in his work bag so i wouldn't see it (he said i was in the room when it came in the mail and his first instinct was to get rid of it)and i asked him why he didn't tell me. he said would get upset??? i asked him when have i ever gotten upset over such a thing and he couldn't think of a single time.He even said that he didn't look at it??? I didnt even ask im if he looked at it he just offered up the info as if i wold believe him. few weeks later- we had a discussion about it and e said that he wants to look at women because it's a man "thing" and that it doesn't turn him on, it's no different then looking at cars?!!!Im soo confused!! Pease help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): seems to me that your husband has more of an issue with porn than you do. its like hes ashamed of you knowing that he looks at porn. personally i think there is not much wrong with it, as its just a visual repersentation of sex, which most poeple take part in (as long as its not degrading or exploting), poeple get stimulated in different ways (vision,feel,sound and words).try and talk about it with him, talk about your own veiws to porn.porn is just porn.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (20 April 2008):
 You are not confused, you just want to believe what he tells you so badly because it's hard and painful to realize and accept what he is so adamantly denying. Yes, poster, he gets turned on by porn, he is defensive about it because he is covering up how much he depends on it for arousal, and he is unwilling to be honest and open which speaks a lot for his inability to build trust and intimacy. This guy also has no problem keeping "emotional honesty and integrety" at bay which tells you a lot about how he will handle other important issues that crop up during the normal course of a relationship.
Porn isn't really the issue here, his inability to meaningfully connect and his deceptiveness are.
This is not a solid foundation on which to build. You have seen enough of his bad behavior to know it's time to move on.
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