A
female
age
36-40,
*exiestgirlalive18
writes:I need some help. I am a really bad daughter. My daughter is 4 and soon will be 5 and she does not listen to anything anyone says. She is scared of her father but she talks back and she hurts her sister and neice and she is just a really mean kid. I am spank her and she just laughs and she still is not scared of me. No one knows what to do with her anymore. I really need some advice on how to get her to behavior and listen. Plus she does not want to clean up after her self or eat what everyone else is eating and she throws a fit if she does not get her way. I am at the end of the rope I do not know what to do anymore she is just getting worse each day.Some please help me I dont know what to do anymore. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Being consistent with a child of that age is the key to behavioural management. You have to learn to praise her for good behaviour (or 'ok' behaviour) as parents sometimes forget that and just give attention at times when there is bad behaviour. You should start a reward/ punishment chart as she is at an age when she is receptive to that and never give in to her demands when she is being naughty no matter how inconvenient it maybe at the time. She needs to be given small rewards if she meets targets on her charts, and toys or favourite items should be removed for short periods (i.e. a day) for bad behaviour.
If she is having a temper tantrum then exclude her from family time by putting her in the garden, a spare room etc - these techniques really work as she is feeding on the attention from the situation (that is why she laughs in defiance at the smacking). You should also look into her diet - I have a niece who is an angel until she goes near certain additive laden colourants. I would be reluctant to label a child as ADHD and there is too much of that going on, but there are lots of things diet-wise that parents can do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Oh, and very important, as hard as it is right now, try to find something your daughter is doing right, like soothing
a toy or child, picking up toys, helping with the dishwasher (let her do this for you) and praise her for it and be specific about what she did to please you...you can also give her things like a toy or some stickers for good behavior, don't use it like a bribe, but just had it over when she does something good....she needs to know she is not failing at everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Hi, I had a neice that was quite a handful at that age, she has a twin brother, and the two of them together got into plenty of trouble.
Firstly, do not scream or smack or spank your daughter, ever....if you lose control, apologize to her and explain that hitting is never acceptable behavior. Children model their behavior after the adult who care for them, if you argue with your spouse, hit her, etc, then she is going to learn that as a way of coping with her own frustrations...thus hitting her neices and sister.
When she misbehaves, remove her from the room she is in swiftly and put her in a room of the house that is very boring to her, no toys no tv and ask her to stay there for 5 minutes (about a minute per year of age) and explain to her calmly why she is there and what you EXPECT her to do ..then when she rejoins the family ask her to apologize for what she did, then give her a hug.
It also helps to set up a child in advance for good behavior, tell her when you go shopping for instance that she needs to be quiet and behave like the young lady she is....and if she doesn't, remove her, go home, you have to be willing to end your fun to get the point accross to your daughter that you mean business...never threaten or bribe your child. Also, never break a toy of hers in front of her, there again teaching her bad behavior....what you can do instead is get a big garbage bin (she needs to know this is for trash) and when she won't behave ask her to choose one of her toys to put in the bin to give away to a deserving child or to throw away because she is not listening to you) Do this for a couple of weeks, it will take a couple of weeks to get your daughter to turn around and begin to respect you, so do not give up and do not give in. At the end of the two weeks and when she begins to "get it", give her all those toys back and thank her for doing better.
Good Luck, remember consistency is key as is respect.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Hi there
I posted a very similar question on another site a little while back.
You have all my sympathy. My daughter is the same age as yours, and i'm experiencing almost exactly the same problem.
The answer i got, was something that i knew already, but had stopped doing,
so, i'll give it to you too.
Omega 3, 6 and 9
You can get it in the form of an oil, or tablet at most pharmacies. If it is an oil - put it in some yogurt - as the taste on its own is a bit off.
It usually takes around 6 weeks to work, but you can see a VAST improvement in their behavior around this time.
Something else to do, is to set firm rules.
This is the time you are having breakfast, and this is what you can choose from - Cereal or scrambled eggs. (or whatever. Don't make the selection too big)
You will sit at this spot (dining room table or breakfast nook) and finish all your food.
If you don't finish your food, then the following will happen:
a) I will be upset with you but i wont scream
b) You won't get any snacks
c) You will not be allowed to play outside / or watch Television, or play with a certain toy...
Yes, she might not be bothered by what you are saying at that point in time, but you need to make SURE that you follow through on the rules.
So, whatever you said will happen, MUST happen. It will be very hard for you for a week or two. And trust me, you will be close to tears more than once, because if you follow through on the rules, she will definitely throw a fit. A big one.
When she's doing this, you need to do two things
a) tell her that her fit Won't make you change your mind, and
b) tell her that she must remove herself from your vicinity if she'd like to carry on with this fit.
If she doesn't want to remove herself, then you gently pick her up, and put her inside her bedroom.
Don't give her ANY other reaction but this.
I know this is also hard as your heart breaks into a thousand little pieces as her WAILS get louder and more desperate, but she WILL stop crying at some point.
Just assure her that you love her, but you need to set some rules, and if she wants to have a HAPPY day, she would need to obide by them.
Good luck.
Let me know how it goes, and remember - YOU ARE THE MOTHER...
Love
-M-
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Firstly, screaming,shouting and smacking = screaming, shouting and smacking.
I know that that is easier said than done but communication between parents and children is vital for them to grow up knowing the correct manner to speak with others.
I think you should wipe the slate clean and start from now - mean what you say and say what you mean. There is no point or benefit to idol threats.
You need to take the 'leader approach' You are in charge here right.
Find a punishment that is deeper than smacking, make her sit on a naughty step each time she misbehaves ( if you choose to do this, make sure she knows why she is there and make her appologise when her time is up, if she wont appologise she stays where she is)or take away her favorite toy, if you mean business make her bring a toy to you,break it infront of her and throw it away - dont say a word. I guarentee this will not take long to give her the message that things need to change.
However you decide to challenge her. Keep it calm, dont be brought into childish games. There is nothing more irritating to a child than their parents not loosing their temper. Hope this advise helps, if not call nanny 911 or super nanny,ha - Good luck
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