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My brother molested me, but I'm ashamed to admit it happened!

Tagged as: Family, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 September 2005) 11 Answers - (Newest, 18 January 2009)
A male , *arby writes:

Hi, my name is Jamie. I am 16 years old. My big bro (20 years old) molersted me when I was 10. I thought it was OK at the time because he said it was, but now that I'm older I realised it's NOT.

I'm awfully embarrassed about this, but it can't be kept a secret. My brother is a violent, perverted sex maniac who targets kids, but I'm embarised. What do I do?

Jamie

xxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009):

Well I can relate my brother is 8 years older than me and and he started to molest me when I was in kindergarten and it went till I was in 3rd grade and I didn't know it was wrong cause he said it was ok, just not to tell my parents. Finally one day he was molesting me and my dad came downstairs and saw him. He was in trouble for a long time and he was never allowed to stay alone with me for more than a short period of time. I was so guilty and I felt as if it was my fault but I was way too young to know better and I finally gave it up and realized that I wasn't the cause, it was my brother. I carried around the grief and pain for a few years but I am now 12 years old and I'm 7th grade and I'm fine but I have not ever told my frinds and neither should you.

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A female reader, rain_pain United States +, writes (17 December 2008):

I'M 16 AND MY OLDER HALF BROTHER BEGAN TO MOLEST ME WHEN I WAS AROUND 7 OR 8 HE WAS MAYBE 14. IT LASTED UNTIL I WAS LIKE 12. I JUST RECENTLY TOLD MY PARENTS. TELL YOUR PARENT THEY WILL SUPPORT YOU AND COMFORT YOU. THEY MAY ALSO FEEL A LITTLE ASHAMED FROM THE FEELING THAT THEY LET YOU DOWN YOU ALL CAN GO TO COUNSLING TOGATHER

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A female reader, Sen2nell4U United States +, writes (12 February 2008):

Such a sad tragedy for a little girl. The homelife turns into a fearful place for that child. Please be careful how you question this victim of this violent act: She still has feelings and deserves our respect and compassion. NOTHING can bring back the carefree feelings you had before these horrible incidents.No matter what baggage your Mother had, she had a responsibility to BE the adult and to DO THE RIGHT THING. All adults have the responsibility to protect their children. If she didn't know what to do she should have gone to the police and found out what to do. NOT making a choice IS MAKING a choice. Putting your head in the sand is NO excuse. My Mother did the same thing: I DID NOT. I refuse to continue the legacy of assisting any criminal in his/her criminal acts. You, the victim deserve better in life. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Your body and your person is your own. NO ONE has the right to touch you even if you are naked!! That is your body! Please tell your children: If someone ever tells them something bad is going to happen to them or their parents if they tell on them WELL, then, JUST go ahead and tell Mom or Dad because those people are liars. Nothing bad ever happens to kids that tell on people who lie!! My daughter told me immediately what happened because I had told her this. I filed charges against that criminal asap. God Bless All the Little Children who lost their childhoods early due to the sick minds of pedophiles. Hugs and Kisses, A MOM WHO CARES ABOUT YOU TOO

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007):

I was 4 and my brother was 5 when he started touching me and I still have very mixed feelings about him being around my daughter and his own daughter(my neice). I was much smaller than you but my brother knew to do things that I now know that a 5 year old should have known nothing about. I told when I was 4 two times. I was ignored and told I was wrong and lying. It happened to me 3 other times by three different boys spanning from age 5 to age 10. I ask myself everyday if it was me. Was I the one telling them to do these things to me? I can't remember if that is true but I know I am pretty messed up in my head about it. I sometimes think of myself as a child hooker who made no money as many times as boys used my body to feel good theirselves. But I felt good too. I think. But it was wrong. I think.

I am 24. I admitted to myself what happened at 16. It stopped when my brother started highschool. By then it was a forceful thing and he told me not to tell or else. I was so relieved when he stopped coming in my room at night when i was in the seventh grade but i was so screwed up about sex by then I didn't have a normal teenage life. I didn't kiss boys. I didn't go to boy girl parties. I felt ashamed of my body and ate all the time.

I wish i could put him in jail but in some way I still love him as a brother and that really sucks because i feel so nasty for still haveing any kind of feelings for him.

I HATE HIM! But I lie to myself and be around him at family functions. I can't look him in the eyes. I told his ex girlfriend who is the mother of his children and she told me she had the same thing happen to her by her brother when she was a child and they have the same name and same kind of controlling behaviors and drug problems. Ironic, HUH?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

did it seem ok at the time or did you mind doing it? who told you it was wrong?

sorry, i ask because i've gone through my own situation and i'm trying to make sense of it. it seemed ok at the time and now, 5 years later, i feel a whole range of emotions. one day i feel like it was good, the next i question why and how it started and why i didn't stop it.

sorry, all messed up.

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A female reader, babyjessieb +, writes (3 November 2005):

hey there jamie. I completely understand how you feel.

I was 11 and my bro was 15, he used to sneak into my room at night while i was asleep and do horrible things to me. This lasted until i was 14. Then about a year later my best friend raped me and some of my friends.

You do whatever your heart tells you. I'm 19 now and it still bothers me what my bro did. It is unforgivable what your brother did to you. but please i beg of you ..don't do what i did and sit around in fear of it happening again. TELL SOMEONE WHO CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! I held in what happened to me and all it has done is hurt. Do whatever you have to with complete reason of course. Get a lock on the inside of your door, sleep in the living room, or ask your parents/whoever to limit your brothers stay. Let someone know who can help you..for your own safety.

(just in case)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005):

Jamie,

I am a 31 year old female and I had the exact thing happen to me by my older brother. I was about 6 and he was 10... I also had my cousin at the sametime who was about 14 wanted to join in on hurting me but, I got away.. It happend only one time but it has severly devestated and aultered my life.. I told my mother when I was about 8 but she did not know how to deal with it and tried to scare me and told me I was the bad one. I love my mother so I went to counseling when I was 27 yrs and the counselor told me that was the only way at the time she knew how to handel it. He also told me that he may have a tendancy to do this again now being older.. I have never forgot what he did to me and always tried to suppress it but I just cant do it anymore and we dont talk anymore because of it.. His new wife says I am trying to break up their marriage but she just dosent understand the UGLY side of him that I do.. I dont know what else to do about it.. except try to heal myself that seems impossible.. but I will not call the cops I want my brother to have a normal life despite what he has done to me...

Bobby

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005):

Exactly what was the age span between you? Did he force you to engage in this activity?? I'm not convinced he is a child molester and this is not uncommon behaviour, although 4 years is a bit of a large age span. But, adolescent males often engage in completely inappropriate sexual behaviour and then simply stop when they mature. Have you seen signs that he might be a child molestor, has he ever had "normal" relationships with women his own age?

What often happens is that both parties engage, although the older one "leads" the younger...then as the younger one ages, he or she feels guilty and it's usually the guilt that causes your pain and this guilt is compounded by the fact that any sexual fondling would probably "feel good"...

If you have any evidence that your brother is interested only in younger females (if he is, his current relationships would focus on girls your age, or younger, most likely) then certainly call the police, but if you're unsure, I'd keep it a family matter until you know for sure.

Tell your mother (who will be shocked and may even deny it for a short while, remember, mothers always feel the blame for what their children do and for not protecting their children), but perhaps you, she and your brother can sit down with a therapist, a clergy member or a licensed social worker and work through what happened.

Fourteen is not a fully developed man, and particularly in males, self-control is a very, very, difficult thing. You know, he may be carrying around the same shame that you are, but whatever you decide to do, talk with someone and do NOT feel any guilt at all!! 10 is simply not old enough to recognize what sex is and you don't need to carry any of this into your adult life.

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A reader, helpfull girl +, writes (4 October 2005):

well first of you should tell yor mom about this explain every detail yes its going to hurt but youll get off your chest then second you should go to the police about it! because if you dont be warned it will happen to some one younger than 10 some one may be the same age! say for a.g a new neighbour moves in and you live in the same house hold as your brother this new neighbour has a little child of the age umm 8 for example 1 day 8yr old child needs a babysitter he volunters the next day you step out your door step and see that 8yr old child looking around every minute to see if your brother is any where in sight,you see him ashamed to be seen by any one you see him cry you see him shakeing are you going to be able to take that in? it is sick your brother would do something like that. i have a brother of 24 and another brother of 10 if my big brother ever did anything like that to my youngest brother i would seriously kill him and do time for him my family would disown him then hed be out of our lives and we could all move on knowing my youngest brother was strong enough to tell some one so something could be done! PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS PUT HIM BEHIND BARS PLEASE I BEG YOU!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2005):

Would you like the awful things he did to you to be done to other children?he is the one that should be ashamed,not you!!speak up,and save other children as well!do the right thing,report him and you would feel much better!don't make others suffer,think about how you felt,and never allow to anybody to hurt you in that way!kisses,Tania

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2005):

Hi Jamie,

You're absolutely right, it's not OK! You're showing that you're a very strong person to have dealt with this as well as you have up until now, but there's one more thing you should do.

Remember how you felt when you were 10 and your brother did those things to you? It was awful of him, and wrong, and you probably felt that instinctively. It would have been OK to report him then (it's still OK now, by the way), if there'd been someone to tell you how.

Well, I'm here to tell you how to report him, so he can be stopped. There is an international organisation that's completely anonymous. It's called "Crime Stoppers", and it's usually associated with the Police in most Western countries. (In my country for example, Crime Stoppers is part of the police service.)

Look them up on the Web or in your phone book and ring the number. It's usually in the Government pages of the phone book. You'll be connected to an operator who will ask you about the person and the crime(s), and who will take down information to be passed to detectives. Nobody will ask your name or any information about you. They only want to know what you know, so they can stop your brother from hurting and sexually abusing other kids.

Nobody should have to go through what your brother did to you, and you can help to stop him, but you need to step up and give the details to your local police. What happens after that, is that the police will start investigations to see if what you're reporting is correct, so that they can catch him and charge him. You will never be identified as the person who gave the information. I can promise you this and I know what I'm talking about, because I've worked with Crime Stoppers in my own country.

If you don't think you can make the report yourself, you can send a letter or an email to the police. Just make sure that all the information about your brother is in that letter.

Please do report him, so you can protect other kids.

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