A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hiiiits problem with my elder brother.....he restricts for everythin i do.... he dont like me wearing jeans.... he dont like me leaving loose hair..he alwways wants me to put plates which i dont do...i never dress up odd.. it will be just a jeans and t shirt... i always tie my hair.. occasionally i leave hairhe scold wen i scored 65 in my post graduation.. he expects above 70...he directly dont contact me... he tortures my parents saying see ur daughter is like this that...i feel very bad at it... i dont want to hurt my parents...even i had put my efforts to score well... but i dint manage to score ....i used to go for music class.... he asked my parents not to send me... later i left it....im 23 and my brother is 30.....he is not married yet.... he removes all that frustration on me....as im in a relationship with my friend... which he does not like....i think he is right person for me.. he is done with his post graduation and he is working....even im doin my pg...hmm i dont know how to sort this out.....i dont feel the freedom to directly talk to my brother...it feels real hell for me when he yells at me....plzz do help me.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (5 June 2012):
 It's very common in South Asian culture to conceal male bullying under the guise of filial love. You can't change the way people think here. They think they own you, body, mind and soul. Get a job, move out and do your own thing. Don't concentrate all your energy on winning your family's approval because you'll only end up unhappy and unfulfilled if you do. Don't confront your brother, it's useless to do so. Pretend to obey but always do your own thing. Be sly, be deceptive, because confronting bullies only leads to more trouble in such situations where the bullying is condoned by other family members.
A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Unfortunately it is very normal in this culture and others for this *type* of abuse to go on tolerated by family members , and then they say its because they love you.
I know how hard it is when they restrict your moves (i had the same but from my mother even growing up in a western country) at first i tolerated it, but as soon as i started to earn my own money noone could do anything!
Get your own job, money independance then you will be free.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, mavuyi  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Your brother needs to get a life and let you live yours.
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A
female
reader, missmatador +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Dear Anon,It sounds like your brother is looking out for you...but in the worst way. It is possible that he is, as you say, putting his failures onto you.My sister is very much the same. I am hardly successful but she is the same, if not worse because she isn't using the talents she has. So she puts that pressure onto me.The advice I give you is to completely ignore him. And that is hard to do because we all want nothing but the approval of our family. But there is always one who never sees the good in ANYTHING that we do. Understand that what he does and says is out of love but that you are, in no way, needing to follow his advice or listen to him. The next time he decides to have a go at you either leave the room or swiftly change the subject by saying "I respect your opinion-" and then move on to something unrelated.Be secure in yourself and what you are doing! And keep positive!Good luck,Miss Matador
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