A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We are in our late twenties. We have our good and bad times, but other that than the relationship is good, and I love him very much. We have quite a few issues to work on together, one of which is that we are both very stubborn! I like things done a certain way at home, and I sense that it will be quite a concern when we move in together, as he likes his things a certain way too. I'm willing to compromise on that. But the biggest issue that I have is his negative attitude when it comes to forming his opinion. It seems as if though he always has to be right about everything, even if he's not. It could be the smallest thing. For example today he told me that James Bond's favorite drink is scotch on the rocks, and his car of choice is a BMW. I said, "No honey, it's actually a dry martini (shaken) and an Aston Martin". What could have been a humorous conversation turned into a nasty argument from his side. He got all fumed, angry and upset because apparently I "don't know what I'm talking about and I should listen to him". I did not want to argue, or concentrate on who's right or wrong, and that seemed to make him more angry.I know this is a stupid example, it's just the latest one that demonstrated his anger and stubborness. I am stubborn as well, but I am trying to compromise with him, even if in my heart I know that I am right sometimes.Another issue that I have, and maybe it relates to him always needing to be right, is when I try to share some knowledge with him. For example if I hear something interesting on the news, or read about something in the paper, I share it with him. Before I am even finished with my story, he interrupts me and tells me that I have my facts wrong. This happens almost every time! It's really upsetting, especially when I'm very excited to share some interesting news with him. I guess I expect some sort of enthusiasm from him, or at least an interest in hearing what I have to say. But I always get cut off, and it makes me think as if what I have to say is unimportant!What is the best way to go about it? Should I just shrug it off and let him be right all the time? Don't I need to have my own voice and my own opinion? If so, how can I delicately express it without getting into an argument with him? It feels as if though every time I express my opinion on something, or share with him some knowledge, I get put down and lectured that I am in fact wrong! I am worried about my self-esteem in the long run! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (19 November 2012):
 I see a lot of red flags and fireworks going off in regards to your relationship. The fact that you are hear posting about indicates to me that you are concerned about it too.
Communication is a key component in any relationship. When he shuts you down by insisting that he is right -- despite the evidence otherwise -- shows me that your boyfriend is only hearing what he wants to hear.
While the circumstances thus far are pretty trivial, I think you need to ask yourself if he does this in other parts of the relationship? Really think about that before answering...
You may think it is annoying right now but I've read numerous posts from people on this site who's long-term significant other doesn't respect their opinions and they had become miserable and even resentful of their spouse. They live in absolute frustration that any discussion they have results in an argument about who is right.
Before you move in, I highly recommend you give yourself some time to see if your boyfriend is humble and can admit that he is wrong. If you sense that he is unable to admit his faults, I suggest talking to him about it and express your fear and frustration with him about how you communicate with one another.
Failure to do so will likely result in a lot of frustration and tears.
Eddie
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 November 2012):
 There is no right answers for James Bond's likings. Your boyfriend is very square, and looks at things black and white. That's fine but in a relationship he has to consider other's feelings and avoid being harsh. He also has to let loose and not always suspect that others are trying to attack him or uncover his weakness. He has to control his temper. You can express your feelings about how this makes your feel. You feel that you can freely express yourself and is always on the outlook for his negative attitude. You wish that there is a smooth flow of conversation and exchange of ideas. Sometimes both people can be right and there can be different interpretations to the same piece of music. At the same time understand where he is coming from and why he has this know all attitude. Could it be childhood issues? Whenever you feel a change of tone in his voice, or when he raises his voice, catch it at that moment and ask why it's necessary. Refuse to engage in an argument until he realizes he's losing his cool. Calm down or change the subject. Hold his hand and let him feel that you are on his side, but still let him know that this hostility can not continue.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): "We have our good and bad times, but other that than the relationship is good, and I love him very much."If you consistently have bad times, then the relationship is not good. There is no "other than that," there is only "that" which makes the relationship bad."We have quite a few issues to work on together . . . I sense that it will be quite a concern when we move in together"If you have so many issues, then you should not be thinking about moving in with him. ". . . I'm willing to compromise on that." He isn't willing to compromise on anything. You may consider yourself stubborn, but boyfriend is controlling. "What is the best way to go about it?"Dump him, or at least DO NOT move in with him. He doesn't disagree or argue with you because he has to be right, he does it because he wants to control you. "Should I just shrug it off and let him be right all the time?"No, that would be playing right into his hands. "Don't I need to have my own voice and my own opinion?"Yes, but he doesn't want that. "If so, how can I delicately express it without getting into an argument with him?"You can't, delicately or otherwise, he will always disagree and always turn any conversation into an argument. "It feels as if though every time I express my opinion on something, or share with him some knowledge, I get put down and lectured that I am in fact wrong!"That's exactly what's happening."I am worried about my self-esteem in the long run!"Your concerns are valid and legitimate. That's why you need to dump him, or at the very least DO NOT move in with him. He's a controller, and if he can't maintain emotional or intellectual control over you then will very likely attempt to exert physical control over you, which is why you DO NOT move in with him.I strongly suggest you seek counselling before this guy establishes a hold over you that you are unable to break. I am that serious, please pay attention to all the red flags that must pop up every time you're with him. Dump him, he's bad news.
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