A
female
age
30-35,
*iolet009
writes:Apologies if this is too long! So... heres my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a month. and I'm not going to lie, it has been a heck of a roller coaster. I guess I'm clutching at straws in this relationship because he is the first person that has ever meant this much to me. Anyway! The other day he asked if we could have a "discussion" and he wanted to discuss the prospect of an open relationship. Of course my instant reaction was that I was offended. I guess I still feel that way- inadequate, like I'm not enough for him. He said that this was in no way the case. He loves me very very much and he still wants to be with me but he is craving variety. he said that he is finding it very hard to be monogamous and if he could he would ideally be in a polyamory relationship.I should mention that we have been having trouble with our sex life and he said that I was putting too much pressure on him so I backed off. It got to the point where we were having sex once every two months and now he tells me he wants to sleep with other girls... He said that if he slept with other girls then it would improve our sex life. As I said before he said he wants variety. He said that it doesnt have to be an all the time thing, if he went out every couple of months and slept with someone but he would always come back to me. I dont know if I should mention this but he is also bipolar and does not take medication.There is just a whirlwind of thoughts in my head. This guy who means the utmost world to me is asking to be intimate with other people. I have thought and thought about it- if I could do it or not. Sleep with other guys and still be in a relationship. I think the fact is is that I dont *want* anyone else. I'm a monogamous person. Sure I fantasize about people at times (who doesnt) but I dont know if I could. Part of me wants to be screw it! I can do it, why not? The other part of me says noooo run away. However! With all that being said, my boyfriend said that this is not a deal breaker for him. He said that if this in anyway makes me feel uncomfortable then we wont go ahead with it. He wanted me to think about it and come back to him and we can talk about it more. He said that this isnt something he is willing to loose me over as he loves me and wants to me with me. But he warned me that since he is such a 'sexual person' that this issue will no doubt arise again in our relationship. So what do I do? Do I stay with the roller coaster love of my life and hope he turns monogamous? Do I kick him to the curb which would break my heart, or do I try this open relationship thing?
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female
reader, Violet009 +, writes (5 August 2010):
Violet009 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all very much for your advice. You're all right... I need to break up with him, it needs to be done it's just getting the guts to do it. Hes like crack, hes bad for me but I always go back! Must stay strong. Will update you later once I grow a pair and do it. I need to be with someone who wants me and only me... and I think I'll always be that way. Thanks again for the advice, much appreciated.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Let go. It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do. You run the risk of STDs, not even going into what this would do to your self- esteem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): You don't want anybody else, yet he does. Say no. Tell him to invest in some porn or find some good free porn sites if he wants variety. That's what other guys do.
I have to say though, you're not enough for him. You know that in your heart. He has basically just told you he wants to be with other girls and stupidly tried to convince you that it would strengthen your relationship.
In my mind this relationship is doomed. You'll always have the fact he asked you this in the back of your mind whenever he goes out with his mates. Or whenever you're not around. Or if he starts spending time with female friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Your initial reaction to his request, your gut feeling, was a loud "no." From what you have said, I think it is clear you are definitely not happy or comfortable with the idea of having an open relationship. And I think you should stick with that, and don't feel pressured into agreeing to have an open relationship just to please him.
I personally don't like the sound of the whole thing. I don't think he is very committed to the relationship at all. It could simply be that you both want different things. You would like an exclusive relationship, he would like an open relationship. It may simply be personal preferences. But if this is something he cannot accept, if he really would not be happy with having a relationship only with you, whether it is sexual or something more, then I don't think it is going to work. You want one thing, he wants something else. Neither is right or wrong, but the differences are a critical factor.
I guess I would say to tell him you have thought about it, and that your answer is no. You would not like to have an open relationship. But even though he said it is not a deal breaker for him, I can't help but think that it is. He has warned you that the issue will no doubt arise again. So when it does arise again, what then? He will ask once again if you could have an open relationship, and then what? Do you say no again, and hope he will one day accept that? Or do you think you would one day crumble under his requests and coaxing, and agree to something you are not happy with? I can't help but think that he will not stop asking about this until you agree.
However, I could be wrong. So try telling him you have thought about it and have decided "no". And then see what happens. But if he will not accept your answer, or if he very soon brings the subject up again, I think it might be time to think about going separate ways, since he seems to want something you are not happy with. I know this must seem unthinkable, since he is the first person to mean a lot to you. But he is not the only person you could ever have deep feelings for. If you did end the relationship at some point, it would not be the end of everything, believe me. He is not the only person who could feel "right" for you. I hope this helps, good luck. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Don't do something you don't want too. A relationship is about committment and if in your heart you only want to be with this man and you don't wish to share him, then my advice would be DON'T DO IT. If you do, you will end up being miserable and heart broken if he decides to leave you for someone else. Your bf should NOT be in a relationship by any stretch of the imagination. If he craves to have sex with various people, he needs to be ALONE it's that simple. Forget about all the love talk....talk is cheap when it comes to love, and caring about someone. The fact that he wants to have an open relationships is an indication that he has no RESPECT for you. If he isn't willing to "lose" you then why would he then say that it is most certain that the issue will come up again? Your bf is playing games....he doesn't wish to be faithful...he wants all the benefits of a secure relationship with a decent woman (at least in his mind), but he also wants to be able to do what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants. I am concerned that if you decide to give this open relationship thing a chance, he will make it a perm. thing and if you decide at some point that you no longer want it, he will be dissapointed and may even start cheating or leave you.
Don't start something you can't or will not finish. You are treading on dangerous ground in terms of this whole open relationship thing. DON'T DO IT even if it means losing the person you love. Besides, you have been having problems with this guy since day one according to what you wrote, and often times how you start is how you finish that is, if you don't put a stop to all of the madness.
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A
female
reader, Practical  +, writes (4 August 2010):
my advice is not to change for any one .. tell him that u won't accept that.. if he can't be in a monogamous relationship then he can leave because it will not be working .. having sex every 2 months isn't healthy ..
Please think about yourself .. what you want and what u need.. if the relationship isn't offering you anything else but love .. think twice about it ..
it's your decision after all ..
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