A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well i will just hop into it. My boyfriend of 4 years likes to masturbate , which what guy and girl doesnt. I dont mind it, Im actually turned on by it. I dont like that he lies to me and says he never,not even once a year, does it. Idk why he lies about? I love that he masturbates and he knows i do because i try to get him to just so i can watch . sometimes though he goes to masturbate without even trying to do anything sexual with me first? Can someone give me advice as to why he may lie and go to masturbation first without trying anything with me before or even after? Is there trouble in our sex life? Could he be losing interest in me and our sex life or is he a typical man?? Help pls!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Stop making it all about you. It isn't. Guys just like to masturbate, it is a private thing that would go on with or without you. It is completely separate from you. He gets to control his pleasure however he wants and to focus entirely on that. Its totally different from making love with a partner so don't bring yourself into his private time because it is almost like insisting you should be able to walk in on him when he is in the bathroom. He is allowed his privacy. He lies about it to avoid you causing problems for him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): First off OP and most importantly are you happy with the amount of sex you're having? Are you sexually satisfied in this relationship?
As for masturbation for the most part that is a private non-sexual release. For us guys that release is like when you finally make it to the toilet when you were dying to go. It's not about sex it's simply a nice release.
OP you do know for us guys masturbation is the best way to get to sleep right? I mean when I have trouble falling asleep I'll have a wank and then I fall asleeep straight away. It's a very strong urge we get right after ejaculation. Maybe your guy has just gotten into a long term habit of needing to wank to go to sleep.
The only reason I can think of why he'd lie about is that you're so insistent in being included in this and maybe he thinks you'll be offended if you say no in that moment. OP if we wanted sex we'd approach you for it, for a guy wanking is something best done alone. It takes a minute or two to do and is no effort at all. Add a woman to the mix and you're talking about 10 minutes, maybe 15. You're also talking about having to return the favour, or maybe even having to go have full blown sex, when all you wanted is a quick two minute release. You see what I'm saying? It's like you're only in the mood to make a bowl of cereal and then your partner demands you spend 40 minutes making a full cooked dinner. Sometimes your're hungry but you don't want to go to all that effort to eat something.
If this has no effect on your sex life then don't worry about it, it really sounds like he's only doing it as a means to go to sleep.
If it's waking you up and that's annoying you or even making you horny and want sex then tell him that, and ask him to go into a different room and be more discreet about it. If he keeps lying even after you say you understand why, then next time he does it, tap him on the shoulder and ask him why he felt the need to lie.
Above all though OP don't take this personally or bad just yet. I see nothing here to be worried about, even the lies I can kind of understand. I've had plenty of sexual partners OP and for some reason most women don't get that a wank is nothing to do with sex, we're not choosing a wank over having sex with them, we don't actually want sex in that moment just a release like a piss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd no he isnt religious and he does do it often. I have woke up And even felt, heard, witnessesed him doing it before i have even had the chance to fall asleep . What kind of deeper meaning do you think? I masturbate infront of him,for him and during sex even so idk why he cant for me .. I was turned on by him doing it sometimes but the more i think about it the less i am for him lying and if he doesnt want me to be apart of it.not that i am upset with him, but because now i feel not good enough or like i dont do what he wants even though i always ask him what he wants n likes now n even after 4 yrs .
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl i never thought of it as that (him wanting to keep the two seperate and me not having anything to do with his masturbation or even fantasies . After words he cleans everything. Up deletes all history of porn, sometimes. He lays close and cuddles with me after words and sometimes getting up And leaving the room for awhile. But always acts like it never happened and would never admit it no matter if its beige caught or talking later calmly about it. If he doesnt want the two to overlap then why do it next to me while Im sleeping?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 It sounds like he's got some mental thing wrapped up about his masturbation. It's not good to lie about it (sign that he is ashamed of it). To be so ashamed of it.. well.. it is a hint that there might be deeper psychological factors playing into it.
As for not trying to be sexual with you first.. well some people have a very distinct line between masturbation and sex. Your boyfriend has that distinct line. He'd never masturbate in front of you, hence he doesn't include masturbation as part of your sex life. He also lies about it, so he doesn't want you to be part of this at all, not even in thoughts. His masturbation is a very private matter for him. It doesn't include you or involve you. If he wants to have sex he wouldn't want to touch himself at the same time, and if he has a need to masturbate he wouldn't want sex with you (hence not initiating sex first). He keeps the two separate. So naturally, if he wants to masturbate, he wouldn't want to include you in any way. It's something private to him.
But I am concerned about why he lies about it. Does he masturbate often? Is he religious? How does he act afterwards?
Sex and masturbation aren't two completely different matters, and his need to separate them so badly is a sign that something is going on. A couple with a healthy sex life wouldn't want or need to hide masturbation, and would even be comfortable about masturbating in front of each other. It is different however for those who have a negative association with masturbation. For them it becomes secret and dirty, something to be hidden, something that they are shamed for, and something they would never talk about, or show to a partner.
I know that because I have been shamed for masturbation (by an ex, he didn't like it when I brought myself to an orgasm, he felt only he should be allowed to do that, I guess). Since then I didn't like to talk about when I masturbated, I didn't want a boyfriend to know I did it, or hear I did it (so no sounds), and I certainly wasn't comfortable about doing it in front of anyone. It's gotten a lot better, but I still have difficulties being completely relaxed about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you both. Im not sure if itd him not wanting to be caught because he does it in before beside me after i fall asleep but i do wake up. And its like he stays up And waits for me to fall asleep to do it instead of trying anything before i got to sleep. we have sex just sometimes. He dorsnt try instead he stays up waiting for me to fall asleep. Never experienced this with any guy i have dated in through past .
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2013):
 This isn't about losing interest in you or your sex life. This is simply about privacy. I don't like lying at all and your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and tell you that that aspect of his sexuality belongs to him alone rather than lie. He's lying to avoid conflict with you, but he might feel exposed and embarrassed to do it in front of you.
He has the right not to do things he finds uncomfortable, including masturbate in front of you. This could change as he gets to know you more, but it's best to let him make that decision in his time, or not all if that's what he wants.
However, if he's choosing masturbation OVER sex with you, and you know this, then having a talk with him about that is in order. Avoiding sex with a partner is a trouble sign.
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