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My boyfriend lied about being divorced. Now he's telling the truth, but do I trust him?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 September 2005) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2008)
A female , *illian writes:

My boyfriend lied to me and told me he had broken up with his wife, but apparently it wasn't so. He had been ignoring me in the last few months so I did the same. Now he wants me back and says he has formally divorced his wife. I confirmed this with his sister.

I still love this guy a lot but I don't know if I should let him back into my life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

Be smart. Figure out what county he lives in. Make a free call to the Family and Probate court in that country. Provide them with his name. They can tell you whether or not the guy is actually divorced.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006):

If he lied once, he is going to lie again.I have been living this scenerio for three years, off and on, he's left her, he's getting a divorce, blah blah and then after pushing him to make a commitmant to being with me he broke up with me telling me that while he is sure she isnt'the one for him, he knows deep down its over, that he still struggles with the answer. I then decided to talk to his wife and everything he has said has a been a HUGE lie. I hate to say it but a leopard does not change his spots.

His wife might still be willing to overlook his lies, his cheating, and fall for his i so love you bull.. but i never will again. when men are cornered they will tell you they don't love her and then they will tell her that they don't love you.. Trust needs to be earned,especially after such abuse of that trust

Honestly, i think you are worth much more than this, they has to be honest , trustworthy men out there. ones that dont' pull this kind of bull!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006):

I went through a similar situation with my ex. He was married, I knew this. But he had told me that he and his wife had split up and were getting divorced. We had a fight one night and he left, only for me to find out that he had gone back to his wife. Long story short, I found out about 6 months later that he had been going back and forth between me and her for months. Every time we had a fight, he would leave and go back to her. Then he'd call me up claiming he missed me, he'd changed and he'd be better. Well, I found out 2 weeks ago that he had, once again, moved back in with his wife. I only found this out because she and I crossed paths one day and she told me everything.

Needless to say, him and I had a huge fight that afternoon and he, once again, told me that it was over with her and the only reason he had gone back to her was because he was upset. He told me he didn't love her and shouldn't have told her he was coming home to stay.

Unfortunately, no matter what he said to me after that, I knew I couldn't trust him or anything that he said. A week ago, i broke it off with him for good. 2 days ago, I found out that he is living with his wife again.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Make sure you really know how you feel about this guy before you move ahead and get hurt again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005):

I know it hurts.... but he lied to you and stopped talking to you, and now he wants you back. Well my opinion is "Say No way", you are to good to be treated so poorly and how dare he treat you and his (wife) ex- wife that way... he does not deserve you(that's disgusting)

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A reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 September 2005):

communicatrix agony auntI'm a little leery of this situation for a couple of reasons.

First, I'm a firm believer in the truth, having conducted relationships both inside and outside of it in the past. I'm also a firm believer in forgiving someone who is truly sorry and has made amends, but if you're moving forward with doubt in your heart, that's not the greatest basis for a healthy relationship.

I'm even more concerned, though, about your casual remark that he'd been ignoring you so you ignored him back. That doesn't sound like the behavior of two people who really love each other; it sounds like a sore lack of communication and mutual regard, which is a horrible foundation upon which to do the hard work of building a real relationship.

I'd say that if you do decide to see this man again, you move very slowly. Maybe even take sex off the table, since it sounds like you may be more attached than truly in love, and reigniting a sexual passion might hamper your ability to think clearly and make sound, rational decisions.

Good luck to you.

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A female reader, lildeesbg United States +, writes (12 September 2005):

lildeesbg agony auntBefore you go and roll out the welcome wagon, you need to talk with your man. Explain that the lying is unexceptable and you will not tolerate another lie. Find out why he lied in the first place. Be assertive with this, he needs to know you mean it.

Ultimately, it is up to you to take this man back. However, here are questions you need to ask yourself. Was this his first time lying? Can you forgive what he did? Can he gain your trust back? If the answer is NO to these questions, then I dont really see a future with this man. Trust is really important and without it your relationship already has something major missing.

If you do get back with him, let him know that what he did is forgiveable, but not forgetable.

Dee =)

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