A
female
age
51-59,
*ancyB
writes:First I want to apologize for my English. Well my story is very simple. I have a boyfriend, who lives with me 1 year ago and we are together for almost 2 years. When I met him, he was separated to almost 3 years but he still married and promised me that he would divorce. He told me that he was not doing it because he had never found someone. Anyway, we are already together for almost 2 years and whenever we talk about it he gets nervous and speaks that continue married does not interfere with our relationship. He has 3 children, and the newest is already 19 years old. Do not have goods to be divided. Everyone knows that we live together. I need help from you. He is always always participating in the lives of the children and the grandchildren. What I think normal. But he also knows everything from the ex-wifeI. If the car breaks, he will get in fixed. If something in the house it goes bad, he’s needs to go over there and fixed. it all that happens in her life he has to go to solve. He pays car insurance, medical cable and many other things. I always agree with everything but I do not think it's correct. She still acts as if it was his wife and he accepts. He makes me happy but I do not believe he's with me 100%. Sometimes I think he does not want to lose completely the power inside his house and that scares me. help me understand how things should be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): Grammatical or punctuation corrections:
"If you really want to know if that's possible where you are; you can ask a divorce attorney. Then hit him with the facts."
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): The issue here really isn't so much about his offering his separated-wife financial-support; considering financial-support and asset-division hasn't been adjudicated through divorce court, but more-so how he reacts when she contacts him. The fact that he is moving slow, if not completely paralyzed, regarding proceeding with his divorce. As if he is awaiting HER decision. Even if she was properly served a divorce petition, but refuses to sign the papers after filing an uncontested-response; in some states, the courts will allow proceedings to continue as though it is uncontested.
If you really want to know if that's possible where you are; you can ask a divorce attorney; then hit him with the facts.
Bear also in-mind how flippant he was about moving-out; and finding his own apartment, as if he's doing you a favor by being with you. Testing your desperation and how much you'll sacrifice to keep a man. "So don't pressure me, shut-up and put-up!"
So...how desperate are you??? He's still her husband, any way you look at it. She can call him anytime she wants! It seems there are two desperate-females in this situation!
You're seeing a married-man, and you are relegated to being his mistress; for as long as he remains married, and will not divorce his wife. It now rests on your values and standards about dating married-men! You're having an affair, and you're voluntarily his property.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Unfortunately, you made the mistake of dating someone who was still married. Separated is still married. Divorced is no longer married and now free to date others.
It's good he'll move out and you can move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 May 2019):
 So he REALLY doesn't WANT to divorce.
Basically, he is living with his mistress (you) and playing family when it SUITS him. Best of both Worlds?
I think you mistake was to start dating someone who WASN'T (and still isn't) fully divorced. If he over the two years he has spend with you didn't get his stuff together and finish the divorce and thus the marriage... it's because he doesn't WANT to.
Since they are still married, he might BE on the deed to the house and thus NEEDS to maintain and take care of the bills.
Maybe it is for the best (for you) that he moves out and you move on.
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A
female
reader, NancyB +, writes (24 May 2019):
NancyB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said everything I wanted to tell him yesterday, and I made it clear that I would not accept it any more. his answer was that eventually he would get a divorce. When I said I wanted to know when that would be. if he needed a time I would give but I needed to know. He did not answer. the answer was that he would look for an apartment and move out of my house. and I Said okay. Our conversation ends here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): Guilt or not, there comes a point when he has to make you his top priority, and single-most concern. You deserve some respect and consideration for your faithfulness and loyalty; in spite of his continued connection with his separated-wife. Parents help their kids, but even their children become independent-adults.
He has to come to terms that life has changed; and whether she needs help or not, she has to become independent and self-supporting. Appeasing his guilt is costing you something. His attention is divided, he's spreading himself thin; and his concentration on your relationship is broken each time she has a sudden emergency. Either she is testing his continued allegiance to her; or because she is simply too dependent to move on with her life.
I've known people over the years who remain loyal and good friends with their exes. Not to the extent they don't finalize their divorces!
I can't say I can recall anybody who maintained a new relationship for any length of time; if their ex-spouse was always waiting in the wings to intrude, or become a wedge in-between their current relationship.
Personally, that's one of my deal-breakers. If you're still over-involved with your ex; I'm outta there! I'm neither selfish nor insecure; I don't waste my time dealing with people still attached to their exes. Not when I can have a romance and relationship free of controversy and outside-interference. Maybe that's just me. I know what monogamy is. If that's what I give you; that's what I want in-return! If you're to busy with your ex, I'll find somebody else! I have no time or feelings to waste.
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female
reader, NancyB +, writes (23 May 2019):
NancyB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers. I'll talk to him and say I do not take it anymore. I want to make it clear that I do not mind him helping their children. I care about him still playing the role of husband. Everyone knows of our existence, but whoever attends Christmas parties, thanksgiving, family birthday is she's not me. I was always very dreamy and I believed in the power of love. I do not know how to play. I did not learn that. I've always been honest with my feelings and now I feel lost in the middle of this situation not knowing what to do. I think I've lost the sensitivity of seeing things. But I woke up and I'm going to make a decision!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 May 2019):
People handle divorces differently, there isn't ONE and only one way to do thing post divorce.
He might be helping with bills now that the she no longer get child-support. It might just to HELP her adjust to her new level of "income". If he paid a fair amount of child-support before the youngest turned 18, she might have been OK financially to keep the house and help THEIR kids and now that she DOESN'T get that, she can't quite keep up on all the bills. If there are still "kids" living with her, I can see why he is helping keep a roof over their head. It's NOT in his or his kids best interest that she loses the house or doesn't have electricity.
I'm not really sure it's ANY of your business what he does with his money, to be frank.
AS LONG as he help YOU out with HIS share of YOURS and HIS bills together.
As for always running to her aide when something is broken or she needs help, it might be GUILT, it might be a sense if " he feels like he OWES her this". And that is something HE has to figure out whether he does or not, NOT for you to demand he stops doing.
Does that mean I think you can't bring it up? No. I think you should bring it up and tell him how it makes you feel.
And if nothing changes, then it's UP to you to decide if you want to be with a man who acts like he is still married to his ex-wife or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2019): You haven't put your foot down and made it clear to him that you're not playing the role as his "mistress;" while he continues to remain married to his wife. You're just going along with these arrangements; hindering on a promise he'll divorce his wife, but it never materializes.
If you'll put-up with it, it will continue until you decide you won't accept it anymore.
I will venture to speculate, he never intends to divorce his wife; and this could drag-on for a long time. Whether you leave or stay; eventually, he'll just move back home with his wife.
Something happened between them; and he's waiting for her to forgive him. She's using him, and punishing him for being with you; and whatever else he must have done. She won't let go; but she won't let him move back home either. He's working his way back. That's when he'll dump you!
He is, in-effect, a man with two women. She tolerates you, and you tolerate her; and he's got it made in the shade. He doesn't want to upset her by being too serious about you; and you're too timid or passive to let a married-man know you don't intend to be somebody's girlfriend on the side! Waiting and waiting! While he runs home to his wife; every time she snaps her fingers, or says jump to-it! This is polygamy at its best!
Don't blame this all on him. You're the one enabling him to do it. Just when you've gotten yourself deeply and emotionally set; he can just up and leave, and go right back to HER!
He's practically there anyway! Hold on as long as you want. I don't think he's ever going to leave his wife; because he's waiting for her to take him back.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 May 2019):
Things are different for different people. Some exes remain friends, particularly if they have children together, and help out when necessary.
Personally, I'd think paying her bills is too much, though, unless he's actually just continuing to pay it because his adult children use the what he is paying for.
Is he legally divorced from her now? What do you want the future of your relationship to be like?
If his children still live with his ex-wife, even being legal adults, that may explain why he still financially contributes and helps her when things break. If they don't live with her, then he shouldn't be paying her bills. Helping her out with fixing things occasionally seems okay, if you trust him, but not if he's constantly going over there if their kids don't still live there.
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