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My boyfriend is always breaking promises to me....how can I go about this?

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Question - (29 June 2006) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2008)
A female , anonymous writes:

I posted a question about my boyfriend of 7 months working too hard. Well, my boyfriend keeps making promises that he doesn't keep. How can I tell him how I feel without branding myself as being emotional and irrational? I also, don't want to offend him by calling him a liar. I can deal with just breaking them with me at times but, not when he includes to spend time with my 2 month old daughter. Especially, when he wants to be her papi. What should I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Personally I have dealt with the same thing. Broken promises say alot about a person. I have dealt with little things such as promising to do the dishes or something, and that can be overlooked. But when every bday you are promised something and it is never delievered. When you are promised to be taken somewhere, and you never go, and if you set out to go on your own they wonder why?? It makes you feel small.

I personally am the type of person I dont forget things that are important to those around me, nor do I like being forgotten. And when you break a promise it hurts the person you broke it to. Why say something, write it down even as an iou if you dont mean it, dont intend to do it? That makes utterly no sense to me.

Sometimes people are lazy. They just promised you a free weekend camping, but dont want to devote thier time to it. Or something that costs money that they can be selfish and spend on themselves. Those types of people I no longer want around me. You spend all your energy making them feel special and they know you are reliable, when all the while you are made out to be some insensitive monster because you are not on the top of thier priority list.

You can bitch, I have done that. It does no good. It just makes you seem unstable when thier behavior is not good toward you. You cant trust, depend on them. I have dated someone who could put tires on his sisters car, take care of his roommates, but couldnt do that for his family. And then ask me to move in with him and his roommates? ? And split a fourth of the rent. (which would have made it cheaper on him because he paid 3/4 while they paid 1/4. Sad. Makes you feel used. And little, and very unspecial. Material things are not important, they really arent. But broken promises make you feel as though you arent important to that person, because as hard as it is to see, you arent. If you were then you would be at the top of thier mind, the same as they are at the top of yours.

Be careful who you chose to waste years of your life with, or who you can relax, be yourself, and enjoy years of your life with.

No one is perfect. If forgetting to take out the trash is a broken promise to you, then that is forgiveable. But forgetting everything that they have nearly ever promised you is not. Nor is watching the same person emit different behavior towards others and not you. If he is able to keep promises to one person, then there is no reason to make excuses for him not keeping them for you.

You have to decide what is important to you. Say this guy you are dating is taking care of the finanicial responsibilities, that is huge. You should be doing your part. If it were your child together then it woudl be different but it is your job to care for you and her, not his. And if he is, then he is stepping above his necessaries here. And something is to be said about that. So perhaps if that is the case, carry your own weight, then you would have a place to say, "hey just because you work and pay your part of the bills doesnt justify you being so neglectful on the emotional level of this relationship."

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008):

Find a new boyfriend. Being involved romantically with a person who chronically breaks promises is a living nightmare that can destroy your faith in yourself and your faith in humanity. There are people in this world who, at least generally speaking, for the most part keep their word and can be trusted. To choose or stay with one who frequently breaks his word and can't be trusted is a waste of one's life.

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A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (29 June 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntWell, first tell him kindly and nicely that it hurts you...don't get mad or whiny or pout. Also you are not to specific about what he's breaking. Has he promised to marry you and ignored it? Has he promised to pay the rent and left you holding the bag? Has he just said he'd be home at 4pm and ended up getting called into work a double shift? There are a number of degrees of promises broken.

Does he Cheat on you? Does he promise never to hit you again and then beat you until your hospitalized?

Does he promise he will take you to that new place you have been begging to go and then come home with a terrible headache and vomiting?

Oh and he is not the father of your child but is willing to be treated like the Papi and take on the responsibility of raising someone else's child? Wow...good guy. You say he works too much? To provide for who...his ageing mother,Mack the bookie, or maybe YOu and your child?

I am not trying to make you sound like a selfish spoiled child here, but I do feel maybe you need to put his grand flaws in perspective.

You are treating the child like a weapon...and it is not even his. A two month old is not going to know or care that mom's boyfriend did not get home in time for dinner or take them to the mall that evening. She might know that Papi promised to change my diaper and that was 12 hours ago and now it hurts.

No, this is not about your baby's feelings, this is all about your feelings. Maybe you did not get your way on something...maybe he said Ok...or he would try...and he did but it was beyond his ability to affect the outcome...so you are mad. Or maybe he said he'd never do drugs again and you caught him...some things are deal breakers.

If he is half as good as you make him sound....then you need to find some way of being understanding. He wants to give you more than he can and when you are disappointed...he works harder and then that disappoints you....he cant win.

Be happy he's at work and not at some bar getting the courage to come home and beat you. Drop the drama and appreciate him for who he is...or leave him if his broken promises are truly that terrible.

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