A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's best friend is another woman, who doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me. I've asked to meet her to no avail. He spends time either with her or me and never with both of us. I know there isn't anything going on between them but I really am having a problem emotionally dealing with another woman being so close to him that isn't a relative and sees him quite often. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, zaina  +, writes (29 June 2008):
so I've been with my boyfriend for eight months now. And guess what, he also has this lady friend and they are very close, they call each other everyday and she knows everything about his daily routine.. And when she went to the hospital, he was the only one there for her!!!
she is a divorce woman with three kids, I think shes pretty, my boyfriend wanted us to meet..
I asked him about her alot and when I finally got tired of their relationship, I decided to meet her, so one day when she came early in the morning outside his house she was waiting for him downstairs so that he can take her to her work.. anyways, I came down and I met her, she drove us and I was dropped off at my school and they took off..
Long story short, a few months later, I was starting to really get sick of the phone calls, so I decided to call her up, and I did! And I asked her directly wether or not she is messing with my man! She explained to me that they are just old friends and have known each other forever so after that we are now cool and we all went out later on...
my boyfriend doesn't know about that phone call that has actually saved my relationship..
so my advice is that you should directly ask his friend and talk to him as well before you make any decisions.
best of luck to you,
zena
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): The response from the poster on July 10, 2007 is almost exactly my situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. His bestfriend is female and they've been friends for about 13 yrs. I've met her. She's been to our house twice. He's been to visit her, by himself, three times now. In fact, he's there this weekend.
I trust him completely, but I feel that it is completely disrespectful both to me and to our relationship for him to be going there solo. I also wonder why it is that I've never been invited to visit her. I came into our relationship knowing of this friendship and hoping we could all be close, but the solo visits leave me with a boatload of resentment towards her.
I also resent that I am not considered his bestfriend, as I handsdown consider him mine. Its hurtful hearing I don't rate high enough to be his bestfriend, but I know that in his eyes I'm above that in importance (he's made no qualms about letting me know he wants us to be together forever).
I guess all I can say is to be as up front with him as possible. Hopefully both he and the best friend will be respectful of you.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): I have a similar situation, we're older and my boyfriend (of 4 years)has had this lady as a bestfriend for 15 years. I know that they've been through alot together throughout the years. My problem is that when she wants/needs something she comes first. Even when I've asked otherwise, he insists on it, saying he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He's even slept over at her house after she returned home from her breast implant surgery. I don't believe that they are romantically involved, but they do have a connection that he and I do not have. I don't like being in second place. She's seems to be a nice person and we might even have become friends if it were not for this. This hurting our relationship. I find it difficult when they have a bestfriend of the opposite sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): Thank you all for your good advice, especially Dr. Surgel. In response to the first two respondents, we have been going out for 6 months now, and I have asked her through my boyfriend to get together and her response was so-so but no date was ever set. Ironically, Dr. Surgel your advice is exactly what I have been doing for the past two weeks now. I don't bring her up,nor insist on meeting her, and if he talks about her I just listen and respond as little as possible without sounding rude. Thank you for your confirmation of my decision to act this way. To do otherwise was causing friction between us and grief on my part. Since adopting this attitude I've felt better. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 How long has he been your boyfriend and how did you ask to meet her. I can't imagine my partner having a best friend who I've never met. Perhaps you're using the term best friend a little too easily. It would be difficult for my wife not to see my friends as they come around frequently. Is it possible you're a little touchy on this subject. I'm not a big fan of male female friendships. I think it's easier for the woman than the man. They are not as sexually driven.
...............................
A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Quick question... this occurred to me as soon as I read your post and I might have it wrong but it's worth asking... have you expressed an interest towards meeting her (as in asked your boyfriend to arrange a time to meet?) I'm asking because you said she didn't seem interested. Maybe she's waiting for you to make the effort rather than the other way round.
I wouldn't be suspicious of her. My best friend is a guy and all of his girlfriends always hate me because they say it's unnatural for two people of the opposite sex to be close without there being any sexual attraction but there really isn't. I'm always pleased to meet them as long as they don't act suspicious and defensive around me, like the majority do. Maybe she's just sick of being accused all the time?
Make the first step yourself. Ask your boyfriend for her number and call her up and ask her if she'd like to come for dinner with you both on X Day. Maybe bring your best friend too so she's not the third wheel. And then just talk, remmebering to smile a lot and ask lots of questions. She won't be able to dislike you then.
CD
...............................
A
female
reader, Dr. Surgel  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Your boyfriend probably hasn't let his best friend meet you because of her feeling towards you - she is likely to be a little, if not a lot, possessive of him. You are his lover, she is his friend, and for the moment at least you have the higher status in his life. You have to assume that if they are so close that they would be together if they wanted to be.You might still feel that she is somehow a threat to your relationship with him, but don't feel tempted to interfere with their relationship. If things start to get difficult, the best thing you can do is just forget about her - don't ask about her, don't talk about her, and after awhile you won't even think about her.Give your boyfriend space to have his own friendships away from you, and you should definitely do the same.Warm regards,Dr. Surgel
...............................
|
