A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiance for nearly 3 years but in total we've been a couple for 8 and a half years; since lockdown began he's become obsessed with his weight, and thinks he's obese (even though he isn't, he's muscular) and spends hours ordering weight-loss treatments online and he's even Skype'ing a guy in America to discuss "eat to win" strategies.He's even been posting print-offs of the guy's "Eat to Win" book (a 40 page book in PDF form) to our neighbours!It's even gone as far as him drinking nine bottles of Coke in a day having read online that Coke was good for losing weight (isn't that fake news or misinformation)?He WILL NOT talk to me about it even when I try and approach it sensitively, claiming "You don't understand weight loss issues."I've become concerned after he ordered 20 bottles (small) of this medical drink from a Chinese site online which he had to drink over a week according to the instructions. That's nearly 3 bottles a day! It cost £250 which is a lot for the whole thing!There were actually 60 bottles of this supposed "weight loss drink" we've got in our garage!It doesn't help that he's become paranoid about his weight and all he'll talk about is weight loss or wanting to see TV programmes on weightloss!We used to have good romantic movie nights in and sexy time, but now he won't even do that! Instead of movie nights on the couch, he spends hours watching weight-loss programs and viewing documentaries which I think seem to have misinformation about them (one had archive footage from 2008 of Donald Trump claiming "McDonalds fries are a great weight loss cure; just eat them in bulk!") or things no doctor would say (one video I could hear was suggesting "Eat 7 chocolate bars then start 40 minutes of vigorous dance to lose weight".But he's a good man at heart, and I suspect this is a new thing; he wasn't overly obsessive over weight before.I do love him but don't know what sort of help to get; would a psychiatrist even be open during this pandemic?Weight has never been a major issue for me (unusually) and I don't know how to spot misinformation on the subject so that's why I can't help.I think my fiance wants help but doesn't know how to ask for it which is why he's viewing these videos and ordering these things online.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 September 2020):
 My heart goes out to your fiance. He is just another victim of this awful "pandemic".
Lockdown has had a profound effect on a lot of people. People with existing mental health issues have suffered the most. If your fiance had any insecurities about his body (not necessarily serious enough for him to share with you but just smoldering away in the background), then hearing "jokes" like "everyone is going to come out of this either fatter or fitter" may have been the tipping point for him. Add to that the fact that he can't just go out and do normal things so will be relying on the internet more for his "reality", and bingo, there you have it: his eating disorder (because that is exactly what it is). When people feel their lives are out of control, they will focus on areas they feel they CAN control to make themselves feel better.
I am no doctor or psychologist but, in your shoes, I would try having a chat with your fiance about how he feels about his life in general at the moment. What does he think is going on in the world? How does he see it ending? What is he worried about specifically? I am sure it is much more than just the gaining weight fixation he has developed as a coping mechanism.
This is just my opinion (obviously) but I think you need to show him you are on his side, you are there to support him and he can trust you. Don't dismiss any of his fears because, irrational as they may be, to him they are very real. Instead reassure him, support him and maybe try to do some research of your own to show him why doing what he is doing is not beneficial for him (I am sure you can do this sensitively). Perhaps you could suggest alternatives to what he is doing at present, like learning together to cook well-balanced healthy meals or exercising together?
Bottom line: your fiance sounds like he has developed this weight obsession as a coping mechanism for other stuff which he can't control at the moment. There are many groups out there who offer support in these difficult times. Perhaps you could do a little research and find one you could join to get support for yourself as well as for him?
Wishing you both all the very best. Remember, this too will pass. Perhaps that is something to keep telling your fiance?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): The problem is in his head.He needs to see someone, psychiatrist or psychologist. The former can prescribe meds.I live in France and here many doctors offer a consult via Internet. Maybe you should look it up.There are other options. How about meditation and mindfulness techniques. Look up sophrology. I don't know if it'll do more harm than good, but maybe try reverse-psychology. Say that you need help with stress and that you can't do it alone, so that you'll need his support meditating, doing breathing exercises...Men too suffer from body-image issues and eating disorders.And when you are over 30, specially nearing 40 your metabolism starts slowing down. Even for men! After 40 we feel a really big change.I don't know what else is going on in your lives, but sometimes people become obsessed with weight and food issues to avoid dealing with real problems (job they hate, marriage problems, money issues, self-esteem, hormonal problems that lead to sexual problems...). People sometimes feel out of control and need to have an illusion that they control their lives, hence their obsession with weight and food. This pandemic is, like wars, an uber-out-of-control situation.He's behaving irrationally, looking for a "quick-fix" and spending fortune of snake oil. He's looking for an excuse to keep eating chocolate and fries. There are TONS of fad diets and "products" for naive people who have issues.This would be a problem even if he hadn't opted for fishy offers and promises by internet weight-loss gurus.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): Oh dear. This man has a lot to learn. A few years ago I was 14 and a half stone. Because of various health problems which result in my metabolism being slow, hard to exercise or do physical things, I have trouble doing physical chores around the house and garden, walking etc. So I have to concentrate on my diet. This is what I did.Cut out most sugar, cut out sweeteners (they can cause diabetes 2), cut out much refined and processed and carbohydrates and starchy veg, increase fruit and veg, cook up a batch of meals and portion control them and put in freezer ready, very often I only have 1000 calories in a day at most. Many days I have just one or two small salads.Once a week I have my treat - fish and chips with lots of mayonnaise and ketchup, if I can look forward to that then it does not seem so boring and dismal! The rest of the time I stick to the diet plan. Now am 12 stone, its been very hard, many days I just have one small meal, but it is the only way you can do it. There are no short cuts, no fancy diets, no drink what you fancy and it will help you lose weight fantasies. The only people who win when your guy buys these fads if the people who sell them to him, laughing all the way to the Bank.If he does not stop this ridiculous idea people will start to laugh at him, not just question how wise he is but seriously he will be a laughing stock. Because this is not just about him wanting to lose weight, he is also showing how naive and daft he is to everyone.And you then have to maintain your weight gain. 75% of people who lose a fair bit of weight put it all back on again. I won't because its become natural for me to eat this way and its been so difficult and taken so long that would be a travesty. I will not allow such a long battle to become pointless.I still have my health problems and always will, they were not caused by my weight, but at least when I talk to a doctor or take some medicine I know I am not contributing to it myself, where I am undoing whatever good it is they can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): Many guys into body-building and toning get a form of body dysmorphia; and I've once seen a guy online who actually worked-out so much, and so hard, his biceps literally burst!
When people form an addiction or obsession; that requires professional-counseling. He's forming an eating disorder based on online disinformation that could kill him. This may require a family-intervention to urge him to get professional-counseling. If he's wasting all that money; he could afford a nutritionist to show him how to properly "maintain" toning and body mass. Not by dieting, which doesn't make any sense.
If he has been eating and drinking what you say he has, I don't see how he could maintain a muscular-body. That doesn't make sense either. He's consuming a lot of sugar and who knows what; your body won't maintain musculature, and he will start to gain a lot of weight. I have difficulty imagining how it is possible he still appears muscular, and yet you claim he's drinking diet drinks and eating strange food. If that's the case, what are you worried about? He can't possibly be in good-shape putting his body through what you've described. Maybe you're explaining what he used to be. No-way that's what he is now!
I've learned that people who become possessed and engrossed in crazy conspiracy theories, wild money-making schemes, online dieting scams, and the like; become almost lost in it. You just can't reason with them. It will take an intervention from his own family to convince him to stop; and then he'll need to undergo psychiatric-evaluation. That is, if he doesn't end-up hospitalized from diabetes, high blood-pressure, clogged arteries, kidney-failure, a heart-attack, and high cholesterol. How can eating tons of french-fries do anything, but give you a heart-attack??? That's common-sense, not rocket science!
I think your boyfriend has tipped over the edge, and needs therapy about now.
All you can do is inform his family that you're concerned. It is likely he will hurt himself; and it's under those conditions a doctor will intervene. You won't be able to convince him he needs help. From your description, he is too far gone. Call his family before he kills himself. It will take a group-intervention, he won't listen to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 September 2020):
 I would suggest to him that he ACTUALLY talks to a REAL dietitian through his doctor, and get a meal plan and go to a GYM and hire a personal trainer and works out.
If Donald Trump claiming "McDonalds fries are a great weight loss cure; just eat them in bulk!" You got to take that with a HUGE Dead Sea grain of salt, HE was probably being sarcastic or thinking he was being hilarious. I mean you can not find a BIGGER "troll" than the President of the USA. YOU CAN NOT take diet tips from someone who NO education in healthy, medicine or nutrition. I mean he wouldn't go to a homeless person and ask for investment advice WOULD HE?!
Use some common sense.!
THAT I what I would tell my partner if he was doing this stupid stuff.
OF course 9 bottles of Coke a day won't help someone lose weight. That is COMMON SENSE! Even for people who knows little to nothing about nutrition.
Diet drinks from China? That is up there with Letters from Nigerian Princes offering you millions for helping them out.
Come on!
He needs to get off the internet for this and GO see a REPUTABLE dietician. One his family doctor will refer him too.
Ever heard of the "Twinkie Diet"?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/comfort-cravings/201011/the-twinkie-diet
"An overweight nutrition professor at Kansas State University put himself on a predominantly snack food diet, with Twinkies prominent, for two months. He lost 27 lbs, and lowered his body mass index (BMI) from nearly 29, to just under 25 — from almost obese to normal."
It wasn't that Twinkies are good to eat, but by reduced his calorie intake from a maintenance level of roughly 2,600 kcal per day to less than 1,800 kcal for 10 weeks - he lost weight.
ALL it REALLY took was EASTING less. Less calories.
Does it mean people should do this? NO, that was ALSO his conclusion.
"It takes smaller calorie deficits to lose other body tissues — such as muscle — and none at all to lose body water, which tends to happen with dieting."
So in the end he lost weight by cutting calories but he LOST more MUSCLE mass than fat. Which is NOT what anyone want. We NEED our muscles, not the fat.
In all seriousness, a little common sense goes a long way.
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