A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need a solution to a reoccurring problem with my boyfriend. Often when I have free time, I will go over to his place and spend time with him. I will get there and he is often multi-tasking. He is a single father so I understand when he has to clean or cook or do things with his kids or even work and often i help him out, but other times i find that he will play games on his Iphone,tool around on his computer,take a smoke break, etc. For example,Today i had a couple hours while my child was at preschool and he invited me over. We were talking for a little bit and then he made breakfast and while he was not being 100% attentive, everything was tolerable until he decided he would start editting some photos. He was so focused on what he was doing, I decided I should maximize my time and do some errands. He said he would stop and that i should stay. I expressed that I would appreciate it if he would stop as this was very valuable time to me as it is not often that i can give the free time that my child is in school up. We then spent about 30 minutes of intimate time together and he then got up and went back to his computer. I then decided that i would go do some errands but as i left i could help but have my feelings hurt. I know the guy deeply loves me but it really affects my self worth that he cant give me quality time. I talked to him about it as he could tell i was hurt but he said i was overreacting and that I am being overly needy, and he thought we had a good time together so he doesnt understand why i am focusing on the upset. He tells me that my reaction isnt measured and it is extremely upsetting to him and that he is hurt that i am not happy. I am not sure how to fix the problem. I feel kind of underappreciated or that my needs arent being met but i love him dearly. He suggested that we only get together when he has nothing to do but i feel like that will be once in a blue moon b/c he will always have something to do. I feel like i go out of my way and go visit him but he doesnt appreciate that i do that. I am not sure if I am particularly frustrated because i have a to-do list that i have ignored to prioritize him but he doesnt prioritize me. and i am particularly frustrated that i expressed my feelings and he dismissed the validity of them by calling me incredibly needy and overreacting. any ideas? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): I had a relationship like that. It was over exactly for the same reason. I couldn't even understand why he has me as a girlfriend, being always preocupied with different thingsWe had a date once, came to his house and he started texting some friend for an hour, until I leftSame thing after sex, as soon as it was over he would get up and go to his computer.I tried and tried, nothing worked. Then I just stoped responding to his e-mails and calls, and he dissapeared, like he never happened
A
female
reader, littlepig +, writes (10 September 2009):
I have this problem too. Especially with the stupid IPHONE. It's frustrating, but you just have to stick it out. At least he is comfortable with you enough to do other things while you are there. Just enjoy the time you DO have together and someday he will figure it out. Guys aren't prone to intimacy or attention, it takes them a while to figure out what a woman needs.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 You're not overreacting or being needy. You want what normal people want. You want his attention.Here's what you can try to do to help that along.First of all you need to sit down with him, and get his full attention. Cup your hands gently on both sides of his face and look him in the eyes. Tell him you need to feel intimate and you need his time and affection. You're a woman and you need that from the man you love. Be sexy, be provocative; or deliver the message as gently and lovingly as you can so he'll hear you and comprehend your message.Now for the rest. I always tell people this and so I will say this to you too.You need to get him away from his place, leave the kids with a baby sitter, and go somewhere away from the iPhone, the apps, the computer, the TV, or any other electronic media. Maybe get a basic emergency cell phone so the baby sitter can call in an emergency.When you truly love someone, you make the time for them. Both of you have to do this. You're both condoning multi-tasking and "fitting in" slots in your busy schedules. That's not healthy. And that's not how you do it. Set aside time and a place where you can be quiet and focus on each other. Make it an overnight so you have plenty of time. Do this often and regularly. Make it as intimate and pleasurable as you two possibly can because that's what keeps your relationship alive and keeps your emotional connection going.In order to make your relationship work both of you have to accept that each of you has certain needs. You need to feel close and intimate with him, and he should feel the same way with you. And you need intimacy. Him multi-tasking is not intimacy. You fitting him in time slots is not intimacy.Holding each other, spending quiet time together, no other distractions -- that's intimacy.Paying attention is the most important thing you can do for each other. I know he pooh pooh'd what you said, and you need to get him away from the frivolities and have him focus on you. Once you do that, you can spend some time focusing on him. That's the idea.But the bottom line is, its healthy to not only crave but need his attention. So you're not being unreasonable. And, he's being neglectful and taking you for granted. He needs to stop that.
...............................
|
