A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A male perspective would be nice on this one. I have been dating a guy for three years. He is very loving and kind and goes out of his way to do things for me and for us. He infused himself into my life and made be believe that there really are good guys out there! Sometimes when we are out together he will refer to me as his wife and he always refers to the future with "us" or "we". He will go on for months practically living with me. Calling me on his way home from work to see if "we" need anything for dinner, staying over every single night etc. Then all of a sudden he does a disappearing act and tells me he could never live with me. There are always different reasons. I do not believe that he is leaving to see other women. It is almost like when we do get to the point where we should be talking about moving in together,he gets all funny and that is when he runs away and when we do end up back together (yes I keep wanting him back, cause I do love him) we have to work our way to that point again and the poof he is gone again. I believe he genuinely loves me but there is something that is holding him back. I do know that he was extremely hurt by his ex wife when she cheated on him, however, that was over 16 years ago and for some reason this very sweet and wonderful man has not been able to maintain a truly long term relationship in all that time. I am wondering if he is afraid that I will hurt him or if he just really is not committed to this relationship and if that is the case, why does he keep contact and keep coming back and acting like we are basically married? By the way, he is very sensitve and does not deal well with anything that entails talking about emotions.Any men out there with some insight into this?Confused but very much in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for your thoughtful answers. It is appreciated.
A
male
reader, Dirk Pitt  +, writes (11 December 2010):
I went through a bitter divorce 19 years ago, and am going through another now!(but not a bitter one - we just don't get on anymore).
If your guy went through a bad divorce, then yes, he may be affected by this, even after 16 years - you do say he's sensitave. It took me 19 years to get to talk to my daughter again!
I won't re-marry, but would like a female companion in my later years; my own independance, but someone to share 'moments' with. Is it possible he too feels the same, but hasn't really voiced his feelings? You do say he'll spend months living with you before he runs off. He may not be ready to commit, but still love you, and doesn't want to hurt you by not commiting to your relationship, hence he dissappears for a while.
You ought to sit down and really talk with him. If at the end of the day he's not ready to commit to your relationship and you're still seeking that commitment, then you may have to make a harsh decision on whether you can live like that.
But do try and talk first.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Hi well am not a man but i am just going to voice my opinion anyway.
Ok so it sounds to me like this guy has been left deeply scar'd from his past. His ex wife hurt him all those years ago, and even though 16 years has past he has never dealt with that pain and therefore it has left him scared about the future and getting hurt again. You say that he doesnt like talking about his emotions, thats because he has bottled everything up and is afraid to let it all go. But if he wants to lead a healthy life he has to do this. He needs to let go of the past and realise that you are not the same as his ex wife and that you wont do to him what she did.
You need to give him an ultimatum here. Tell him you love him and you are committed to being with him but that you cant keep taking him back after he does his dissapearing acts. He does love you he is just scared of commiting as he feels he will get hurt. So explain to him that you are not going to hurt him and tell him firmly if he leaves again you are not going to take him back because it is not fair on you, you also need commitment and security from him. Goodluck.
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