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anonymous
writes: I am a gay man, 21 years old, my boyfriend of nine months has an addiction to marujana. I have finally gave him an ultimatum of "me or weed" as over the time I repeatedly come second to his addiction both financially and time wise. It really hurts as I love him so very much. Have I been too harsh?? I feel this will break us up, now he has an ultimatum. I'm not sure he will ever give it up. He is obsessed with the stuff, yet I have a good career ahead of me, a good family and am a good person too. He doesn't appreciate me, does he?? If he did, he wouldn't leave me for hours to smoke weed and let me pay for food and bills so he can smoke. I feel he is sponging off me and that hurts too. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 May 2005):
 An ultimatum is only has any power if you actually follow through.If you've given him the drum and then you back off on your standards, all you've shown him is that you don't really mean what you say, and given him carte blanche to ignore you.Did he smoke the stuff when you two got together? Has he ever promised you that he'd give it up?If he did smoke when you met him, you have to admit that you went into this relationship with your eyes open and it's unrealistic to expect him to quit once you're a couple, particularly if he never said he would. People don't change very much, as a rule.From what you write, he's definitely taking advantage of you but there are things you can do. First, you must *insist* that he pay his share of the bills. The more you take up the slack, the more you're enabling his habit, because he has more free cash, right? So, tell him that you'll be presenting him with the dockets for half the bills, starting Right Now. That's only fair. He's not your dependant child. He's an adult. He can either pay his half, or he can choose to pay the bills himself and you'll reimburse half. You shouldn't allow him to leech off you this way.The next thing you have to do is talk to him when he's straight and tell him that you feel lonely and hurt that he spends so much time stoned. Ask him what he sees in the future for you two, and tell him that you don't want to spend your future with a guy who's half-whacked all the time. See if he would be willing to restrict the number of days that he has drugs to something more recreational, like only at weekends, or when you're partying. Someone who feels they have to have dope every day is psychologically dependant -- and heaven only knows what long-term damage they're doing to their health. You need to compromise on this issue and take into account that he really enjoys this, while still balancing your feelings about hating it.You can't make him quit. In fact, if you put pressure on him to quit, you'll make him resent and avoid you and sneak around. It may really hurt, but you might need to actually follow through on your ultimatum. If you don't want to live with a stoned boyfriend, and he's not willing to cut it down or quit, then you need to ask yourself: Am I better off with him or without him?Hope this is some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2005): Although I'm a woman and this happened with a boyfriend, I think the feelings will be no different. I was 18 at the time and he spent all our money on weed and his life revolved around the bloody stuff.Personally I don't see the attraction, but it got worse and worse. I had a baby and he progressed to harder drugs.By the time my child was a year old he was addicted to heroin.I finally had the sense to leave and I am now 27 and have not seen him since the day I threw him out.I can't believe now, that I wasted my time and my money with this user, he never cared for me. You seem, sadly, as I was, just a means to an easy life for your partner.After all, if you are forking out for the rent and bills, there's more money for his weed, right?I waited for my boyfriend to change. It is not worth it, they won't.You clearly have support and from your letter,it is clear that you are a kind and decent person.I urge you to ditch this cruel, selfish individual immediately and share your love and your life with a man that will return them.Best wishes to you xx
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