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My boyfriend wont kiss or touch me...

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Question - (18 February 2005) 38 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2012)
A , anonymous writes:

I have tried everything to get my boyfriend to be loving towards me but he just won't. How do i gat him to kiss & touch me?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012):

My bf of five years has not shown affection at all.

We have slept together four times in five years.

He would rather kiss his sick aunt before he does me.

Is he a guy or what?

he likes oral sex and I'm so done with him

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010):

Sucks to not be able to kiss and hug whenever u want. I've been with my bf for 5 yrs. I know he loves me. I just don't get it. I like affection. When we have sex we get straight to it. No foreplay or nothin. I know he thinks I'm sexy. I'm very curvacious and I do "things" to him. Why no affection?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010):

Well im normally shy but tonite I went up to my boyfriend Jake and said why wont you hug me? and I got aggressive and went well why dont you dump me and go out with ..(insert name).. and now I feel like I have to spy on him and I dont want to its his privacy how can I just say please hug me its getting annoying because im normally quiet and not the type who does this but i got annoyed and did it!Please help me

signed KS x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010):

then just forget him then jk hes just not ready how long have you to been going out? My boyfriend didn't kiss me yet but im going to give him some time. Boys can be like that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):

I have a problem.me and my boyfriend broke up.i moved out,i was talking to sumone else but i got this feeling he was to he told me he wasnt but i dnt belive him.now we are back together and he wnt touch me he is acting very weird.he dnt have sex like that anymore and he is always goin to sleep.when he come home from work he watch tv fall asleep and go to work again the next day and its all the same thing all over again.he propse to me when we got back together its just not the same.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010):

It is possible that your boyfriend and the other men described in these posts are religious. This would make them feel that intimacy is wrong and make them feel guilty if they did it. I just had a conversation with a friend about his relationship with his new girlfriend. He was telling me that he will not kiss his girlfriend (much less have sex) because he wants to honor God. He wants to wait until they are married but has made this clear to her. He said she is having an issue with this so I hope they can make it together since she is not part of his church (or any other church) and does not feel the same way. Maybe this is something to think about. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010):

U should just lean over and kiss him really quick when u r at ur house and then go inside really quickly. Then u should text him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010):

i do the same i try everything to get him to touch me or when i try to touch him he pushes me away i dont understand is it me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010):

Hello,

I kind of have the same problem. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now and in the first 2 months of our relationship the boy couldnt keep his hands and mouth off me. Now he will kiss and hug me. But as for my property he wont touch it or do anything. And when I am upset then he will just to try and cheer me up. And when I go to get off his bed or something he pulls me down back to him. I dont understand. I amm starting to think he just isnt into my area but maybe someone elses. i dont know what to do either sweetie.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009):

seems like something is wrong with your boyfriend. I've never heard of a man not wanting to kiss or sex up his girl. Either that or he doesn't find you attractive anymore for some reason. however if that was the case i doubt he'd bother to stay. so i'm banking something is wrong with him, maybe he's gay or bi curious. you should confront him, make it so he cant escape or stray from the subject. talking it out is most likely the only way to solve your dilemma. It could also be as simple as bad breath maybe one of you has halitosis.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009):

my boyfriend tells me he loves me and i love him back as well but we have been together for 9 months now and he will not kiss me or approach to have sex now.when i just met him he the only time we used to kiss is when he wanted to have sex with me and that was like almost every time he comes out from work or when he gets the chance to but now we have sex once a week he tells me, that any time i am ready to have sex with him just say it and he will give it to me but when i make a attempt to kiss him he turns or does like he does not no what is happening.there was a night he started kissing me it was quite nice and then we had sex but when i came up to him and touched his 'property' he started to kiss me and take my hand off his area.this was after i told him that i wanted sex.if i try to tell him why he does not have sex with me he ignores me, say he does not want to or kisses me for me to get my mind of the subject if i ask if we can do it tonight he says maybe or starts to bite,lick and kiss my neck sometimes i feel angry or like i am not important.when i get angry and say something he gets angry and when i get off his bed he pulls me back down and tries to cheer me up so i will not leave he says that i am the only one he want s to have sex with.he loves me and loves to rub and touch my area but i cannot do the same to him when i ask him if he is getting sex better somewhere else he says i am the best sex he is getting but it's hard to believe that....

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A male reader, jpwhoopass United States +, writes (17 November 2009):

I registered because women don't seem to understand this at all...

Bottom line is you did something unkind/unclassy and kissing you is not something he wants to do with someone like that, even if he remains in a relationship with you. The other option is he doesn't respect you or care for you, in this case you need to be more fun and mysterious.

The latter is worse because its extremely difficult to fix depending on how bad what you did was

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009):

Hi there,

I have the same problem right now...

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a month and a bit (almost 2 months), and he will not kiss me, yet he will tell me he loves me. I dont really get it. But after a while i thought well maybe its because he is respecting me!

you see maybe he wont kiss you because he doesent want to rush anything with you. He must really like you and will wait for the perfect time.

I say just wait. it will happen :)

hope i helped. :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009):

I had the same problem. I decided that I need to brake up with him. What kind of a guy doesnt even TRY to makout with his gf of 4 months? it makes no sense. But i really dotn care...if he doesnt find me attractive, or if he's too insecure, then he's not the one for me. And I hope you're able to realize that if he's not providing you satisfaction in your realationship, and is making you doubt yourself, then he is not right for you! We need someone that makes us feel loved and beautiful always...otherwise...idk...try girls lol.jk.

Goodluck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009):

I've been dating this guy for over a month, and he's shy. I was once being held and kissed (previous boyfriend), but this guy is shy. I always have to make the 1st move, he enjoys it, but he can't do it back. Somedays he doesn't even hug me.

Though, he is always telling me how he doesn't want to be shy anymore. I guess you gotta keep trying, hugging, not get to pushy and ask him how he feels about you. If he doesn't show any interest at all, not even whilst talking about it, then it's not going to work.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009):

maybe he just feels insecure, he may feel like he isn't good enough for you, or he feels like that is all that is holding you two together. if you guys keep fighting it can make him feel like a little child, or he may just hate himself for something and the continues fighting just makes him turn to others for support where normally they would to you. try and ask them why they aren't doing it, and if you get anything out off them don't say anything negative just try to get them to talk more about it and just listen (sometimes they wont talk in person so try through txt, istant messenger or email) and see if u can just talk it through with them. with guys, its nearly never complictated, so its not that hard

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008):

If he's not acting loving, then maybye he's nervous. Make the first move! Get him interested!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

yes, i have the same problem, my boyfriend is affectionate in cuddling nd touch, but 4 some reason he wont kiss me. when i go 4 the move 2 intend 2 kiss him he turns away some how. i've brought it up, nd he kisses me 4 a few days then goes back 2 having a lack of effection. hopefully it doesnt affect the relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

You should put yourself out there make him want you or u can just get him jealous like maybe flirt with other boys.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

tuch you how? oki have the same prob. just hang out withhim more myabe if you can go to a party or throw a paty that will be a lot easier

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A female reader, IKE'S CHICK???  United States +, writes (23 May 2008):

i know how you feel cause my boyfriend of 6 months used to kiss me more and touch me more... and hold my hand but now i have to be the one to do it... you might be the one that has to make the first move. and if he still dont do it back, i'd say goodbye... i know that sounds bad but...

sorry hun!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

I am amazed at how many people have the same problem. My boyfriend says woman misenterpret the lack of affection as they dont love us. Plus the old saying of sex doesnt make the relationship. Well I am divorced after 20 years and until then didnt know what it was like to even like sex. I had a boyfriend who was everything that I wanted , a friend , great lover , funny and smart. He was afraid of commitment and he ended it. My present boyfriend wants commitment but lacks in the affection and communication department. I really love this guy but am always left feeling like I am begging. funny thing is most people think we are so perfect. Great jobs, both considered attractive, good friends, but if they only knew how it was when we were alone. I'm almost 40 and wonder is this just the way most men are? There are days I would like to just scream!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

I too have the same problem. My boyfriend and i have been dating for over 3 years now, and were always touching and kissing and having sex basically every chance we got. We went to florida with his parents about a year ago and everything was still the same. Except i ended up putting on 30 lbs, starting in florida and over a month. Ever since then he wont touch or kiss me or even have sex with me. I feel like we're an old married couple because i have to ask.."are we going to have sex tonight?" before we go to sleep sometimes and it's always no, if it isn't than it's "i guess, if you want me to". I've brought it up to him and asked if he still found me as attractive as when we first started dating and he said of course. i cant help but think that it's because i gained a considerable amount of weight but he doesn't know that's what i think.

What should i do?? please help!!

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A female reader, trinnitreats United States +, writes (12 March 2008):

trinnitreats agony auntI have been with a guy for a year and a hal. I love him so much and this hurts to write but he won't touch kiss or have sex with me. I am 21 and he is 36 i am Cherokee indian and Trinidad he is white. Big difference i know. In the first 6 to 7 months it was all that i ever wanted and more. He would have sex with me right before he went to work at 6 am at night ad like 4 times on his off days. Now we go for weeks 2weeks4 days this time but hey who is counting?? ;(.............. my sister said maybe he is gay no he downloads women porn well maybe he don't want me here ut if thats the case why everytime i left he he begged for me to come back even drove 2 hours to pick he up. Everytim i left him it was because of tis. Lack of attention. He has a dog that gets more attention then me. Some days we go the whole day without saying a word to each other. Then when i ask him if he loves he the only answer i get is if i did'tlove you why would you be here? Thats not an answer fucker.............. i don't know what to do i mean iknow what i should do but my heats is in it way to deep. i don't know maybe he dosen't like my body i am 5 foot 3 and 130 his last gf was 5foot3 110 blond hair blue eyes. God i hat this

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

personally, I think they probably had over domineering mothers who were emotionally cold, so Its not really their fault they've never learned the joys of affection.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007):

Nice to see I am not alone. The man I am involved with (Ive known him for yrs, but we just recently have gotten more involved and started sleeping together)doesn't kiss me more than a peck unless we're going to have sex. I recently flat out asked him why, and, like the response many of you have gotten or will get, it is "I don't know". He is affectionate otherwise, with touching and cuddling and seems to enjoy that. If I try to initiate a kiss I can tell it makes him uncomfortable and sometimes he will turn away.

I think a few things may come into play here

1) shyness. In sex guys are less inhibited as the testostorone flows. A kiss outside of a sexual context can be a great deal more intimate.

2) Did they see it modeled growing up? Different peoples relationships are different and if the guys parents werent openly affectionate, or if they were seperated, he doesnt have that model.

3)Just plain old not into kissing all that much?

Perhaps its a combination. Also, later on after I had asked him why he doesnt kiss me,we were in bed and both exhausted from the day,I caught him looking at me and I asked what he was thinking and he said,Im thinking about whether I want to kiss you or not, but I dont have the energy to have sex with you right now. So maybe for some, kissing gets them riled up and therefore is just foreplay for them so they do not do it other times unless that is what the result is going to be.

In short : Men. Who knows.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

I've been there with my boyfriend. I talked to my boyfriend about the issue, I'd bring it up and let it rest. As time has gone on he's become much more affectionate. There are still things that he is not comfortable with but hope that in time that too will not be an issue. For my boyfriend he'd never seen it growing up, nor did he experience it until he and I started dating. I let him know how important to me that aspect of the relationship is to me, as well as how it makes me feel when he does not show any affection. Work out a compromise with him. That's how mine started. I initially wanted to kiss him every time I got the chance, after we talked about it I respected that he did not like to kiss nearly as much as I do, I didn't expect for him to kiss me as much. It is something that is very hard not to take personal, especially when you see people all around you having that. Makes you wonder what you lack. Truth is if you continue to stress the importance of kissing to your boyfriend, and continue to be patient with him and let the willingness to kiss you come along with everything else. Just like trust and emotions take time to grow, for some people affection takes time too. Make sure that you emphasize the importance to you of kissing. If you don't they will tell you that you are talking a language that a man cannot understand. Be upfront with him tell him the importance of it in your life and why. If he decides that he does not care how important it is to you and continues to refuse to do so. I would say that he's not willing to bend on the issue and you will continue to be unsatisfied with the amount of affection in your relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007):

yea my boyfriend will not kiss or touch me unless i do it. ofcourse when we started going out it was me who initiateed everything but its been more than a month and he still doesnt show any like towards me unless i do something. it just makes me feel like im forcing him sometimes. i dunno how to change it but it is definatly puttin a damper on our relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007):

When you find out why let me know. We use to kiss all the time now it's like never. And I straight out ask him why he dosn't kiss me anymore and his reply is I DUNNO. And he wants me to start initating sex. How can you initate with no kissing. It's not that he is opposed to it he just dosn't want to do it. So good luck with your problem I will be checking back to see if there are any helpful answers.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007):

I too have the exact same problem. My partner and me live a distance apart and we have only been together a few months I have tried to broach the subject with him, but i can always tell that he is not comfortable with it. I could scream, makes me upset as well as angry at the ame time, what do you do, i love him, he says he loves me, but how can you love someone and not want to touch them? i dont understand, his family life and mines are complete opposites but what do I do? Stay with him and have no love no affection, no sex (its now been a month since we had sex and I feel so unattractive) even though people tell me am lovely- Am confused if anyone can help me please do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007):

well wat you have to do is ask him on the phone or somewhere just say please can i have a hug because i really love you!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007):

neither will my boyfriend!! we've been dating for more than a year...and besides pecks... nothing..nada. Unless I start it. I can tell he enjoys it when I do it too. So i don't know what his deal is. But anywyas, your deffinetly not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2005):

He sounds like he is no longer intrested in you.Sorry that may sound harsh but if he is not into you anymore.You need to rid of him he is not worth it.I hope you take my advice I went though the same thing myself yes it hurt me but I told myself that he is no longer intrested in me.I moved on and now have a new boyfriend who is very touchy feely.Good luck! Louise

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005):

My new boyfriend of 2 weeks kisses me and touches me but when i go to touch him in certain places he gets really nervous.. and pulls my hand away. I don't understand guys too much. :S my advice is probably take it slow and make things confortable for him and when he is ready he will go 4 it.

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A reader, Mark, writes (20 February 2005):

So far these answers come from a females point of view. As im a guy, i know how hard it might be for him and since i suffer from Social phobia I can also understand how hard it can be. Really all I can say is hes probabaly very shy. One half of the brain is saying go for it, be intimate. The other is saying but what if I do something wrong, what if I make a fool of myself and all this worry can start occuring.

I have a girlfriend and I am also like your boyfriend unable to kiss or touch, however I was able to tell her about my problem and she understands.

Anyway, maybe you should just ask him, not pressure him into answering or anything. If he doesn't answer at first, wait and try again. Don't force an answer out of him.

And if he is shy be understanding, it can be really hard for shy people to open up. Maybe hes never done this sorta thing before.

Hope that was a good enough answer, I dont usually give very good advice.

Good luck!

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A reader, Natalie, writes (19 February 2005):

First of all, you need a serious talk with this guy. If he will not kiss or touch you there must be something holding him back, after all, he is a guy. Most guys complain about not being intimate often enough and it is strange that he is being this way towards you. Find out what is wrong with him first and then you could try something spontaneous, like waking him up in the middle of the night by kissing him or turn up at his house in nothing but underwear and a coat?! Works a treat! Good luck!

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (19 February 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntFirst and foremost, you need to establish why it is that your boy-friend won't come close to you and the only way you can find this out is by asking him. He is meant to be your boy-friend, so why won't he touch you? Are you both very young? Is it perhaps nerves that is stopping him?

You need to talk to him and find out how he feels.

Good luck.

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A reader, Ellen, writes (19 February 2005):

Do you nag and follow him around? If so then stop at once. Do you constantly seek this kind of behavior? Stop that too. Pick certain times when you expect affection and don't do it in public. Let him know when you expect to be cozy and then also let him know when he has his own space. If you are pulling pulling pulling its a natural reaction for someone to pull back. Also, have you just come out and asked? Men can be so dense at times. Maybe he just expects you to be the one to reach out because you always do. There are also lots of fun games out there that don't have to be x rated you can play. They have them on line and in stores. It could be that he just doesn't know how and the game gives instructions on exactly what to do and each activity is only for a few minutes. They may help him get warmed up.

Good luck

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