A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:please help nothing is working!!I posted here yesterday about my friend who lost a baby his time last year - her boyfriend of 3 years moved back home to tunisia about 1 month a go she only told me about losing the baby yesterday! I really dont no how to help her she has sworn me to secrecy because she doesnt want her mum to find out about it! and i dont want to betray her trust! i recieved to responses yesterday telling me to encourage her to go to a professional for help but she just wont listen to me when i suggest that! im scared that if she keeps it all bottled up much longer she is seriously going explode and do something stupid! ive tried to keep intouch with her as much as possible today making sure she is ok but she keeps telling me this is why she didnt want to tell anyone coz they would all wrap her up in cotton wool when she doesnt deserve that!! she is still blaming herself for the loss of the baby and ther is no telling her tht it was no ones fault!! I really feel like i am torn between keeping my best friend and losing her through betraying her trust! but if i dont get her help from somewhere i feel im going to lose her anyway!! So what do i do????
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 July 2008):
 If she's going down in the direction of doing something to herself, I'd betray her trust. Ask her, truthfully, if this happened to you, would she toss you asside or wrap you up and try to help you.
You need to understand the difficulty in trying to help her alone. The is affecting her in a traumatic way. This may be beyone your ability to help her. Not saying you can't but some methods require inducing a response, and may have to have others on standby to assist if she freaks out in a harmful manner.
Have you ever had your parents really get in your face and raise their voice when you do something wrong, but maybe talk back to them. They do so, not to really cause a great amount of fear in you, but to let you know how serious they are. One method requires that form of demand. It would require you getting into the face of your friend and letting her have it from every angle you can think of. You know she's wrong by thinking she doesn't deserve love from others. You know it's not her fault in loosing her baby. You'd be in her face about how she's wrong with how she sees herself. It may sound mean, but you're trying to induce her to cry uncontrollably. By doing so, the pressure with what happened will be less. It's like taking a balloon and deflating it.
This also needs to be done in a place that's not for public view. The result is getting her to open up, release the guilt she's holding, get her to open up to your compassion, and may realize she needs professional help in getting through this. This is also why it needs to be done in a safe place. If theres a time when she may really feel like punishing herself, this will be it. It can go that way, or it may not, so you want a safety plan in place just in case it does.
A
female
reader, Khandi +, writes (12 July 2008):
 I am sorry i saw this post yesterday and didnt reply because I lost my son at 5 months pregnant May 28, 2008 and I felt like it was my fault and still do at times only becuse i am looking for a reason on why i had him so soon, i go throught the couldve, wouldve and shouldves and i am still crying over iteven as i type this reply, it has only been 6 weeks and it has been the hardest six weeks of my remembrance, I lost a baby at 8 weeks back in october of 2007 so for me it was two misses in one years time this time was harder becuse i held my son untill he did not move anymore and was no longer breathing and i was told there was nothing they could do be cause he was too small, ( Which i dont believe) but anyway it has been hard i still cry everyday and go throught the motions of what couldve been, and i believe that everyone goes through a grief process differently, it is unfortunate but often that women miscarry in the first trimester of pregnancy for various reasons unknown, but she does have to go through her own grief process there are some websites that offer support groups for people who miscarried at all stages of pregnancy I tried one when i misscarried in october of 2007 but it was too much for me so i didnt follow through. try to google in "miscarriage support goup" with your city state or town and see what you pull up. I think it is great that you are trying to help but keep in mind you dont want to push too much, this is a hard thing to go through and she is going through it alone she feels like she lost not only her baby but also the father, so she may feel as though she is loosing people around her, in this process I Lost friendship with my best friend of 20 years 2 days after I berried my son and i felt like i have lost so much in such a short period of time and loss is hard to deal with especially when it is death. so your friend is dealing with alot just support her continue to ask for advise from other people and follow the advise given but at this point i believe that the support group can better tell you how to support her. she is probably liking the loss of the baby with the loss of the father causeing her to hurt even more. good luck keep us posted. but i tell you it hurts in a way that only a person who lost a baby would fully understand!!!!
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