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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. I'm 23 and he's 24. We moved into our own house together in August. I love him to bits and I never had any doubts about our relationship until 2 weeks ago. I was feeling pretty down and he was working hard and not coming home till midnight or even later than that. One night I told him how depressed I had been, not about our relationship but about myself. I've never had a high level of self esteem but it has improved since I started our relationship. I was feeling very unattractive and wanted his support. The day after, he seemed very distant from me. He didn't kiss me goodbye or tell me he loved me before work like usual. I got really paranoid and worked up and then when I found out he was working late that night, I got even more upset. Later on that night I badgered him with calls and when he came home we had a massive argument.The following weekend, I went home to see my parents. He seemed Ok before I went but not his usual self and it was worrying me. He didn't call or text me much. He didn't say he loves me or put kisses at the end of his texts. I knew this weekend would be his busiest yet but I was so concerned and worried I badgered him with calls again and all my insecurities came out. I must have seemed so desperate.When the weekend was over, we finally got to talk. He said he was really angry with me for being so needy and not being supportive enough. He said he loves me but he's not sure he feels the same about me as he used to. He says he needs time to think things over, so I've stayed with my parents an extra 3 days.I told him I was willing to change and I knew I was wrong to be so unsupportive and I'm going to get councelling for my depression. I'm so upset. I have constant tears in my eyes as I'm so scared we'll break up. We've had so much fun together and everyone says we are such a great couple. I know he would never cheat on me. I know that for sure. He says he's still attracted to me. He won't say he loves me. He won't even put a kiss on his texts. I'm so scared. I love him to pieces and this is just so sudden, especially when 2 weeks ago, befor my outburst, I got a text saying that I'm the most amazing thing that ever happened to him and no matter what I do, I'll always be a part of his life. Help me! I need some answers before I explode.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): Hey there A,
I'm in a similar situation as you are now. My bf and I have been together for more than a year now. I'm moving away in about 2 weeks and have felt quite down lately. I wanted to be reassured about our relationship and know that LDR is going to work. However, my bf got distant and did not treat me the same. Like your bf, he doesn't hold my hand, doesn't kiss me, doesn't write loving messages (very short messages now), and doesn't even look at me the same way. I have no idea what sparked this change. I was very devastated at first. But I'm trying to readjust my attitude so that even without him I can be happy.
We shouldn't rely on others to make us happy. It's a rare gem if you could rely on your partner for your happiness, but I think it's best we take responsibilities for ourselves. I'm trying to give him more space because maybe that's what he needs. Of course I am hurt that he wants this space (considering the fact that I'm going to be thousands of miles away in 2 weeks), but I will do it...because I hate clingy people...and therefore I would hate if if I became clingy and needy. If he doesn't come around, he's not worthy of me. You should just see it that way.
I know it'shard and I am feeling very insecure all the time now, but I try not to show it and carry on with my life. I would like to believe that everything will be ok. :) Be strong.
R
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I stubbed across this site, as of my own problem. I've been with my long turn partner for over 9yrs now long I now, basically he treats me like a dog mat even worst. I'm staring to doubt that he's seeing someone else I've comforted him about it he tells me it all in my head. But I know there some not right, so I roamed round and found mail to another man which hurt me so badly I still can't come to terms with it, we used to be so close we arguably ever speak to each other we grown so far apart, that every day I what something back of her she tells me she loves me but that's far and few now. She says the most nicest of things to each other than I get all the bad of it all like its my fault, I try and talk to her about how I feel I love doing stuff together. I even thought of leaving as I feel am no good at our relationship I do my best. She makes me feel so jealous of her I just don't know any more. All I know is that there time to build on our relationship if she wants to save it............
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): hi there. i actually came across your problem looking for help with my own but i feel simmilar to you but on a different plain if that makes sense. i have been with m girlfriend for over 2years. i have always been supportive and she could tell me anything, but before i came back to uni for my third year i said something that really shook us. i asked her not to make it dificult this year as my work was important. it was a momentary thing. but it hurt her so much. a month and a bit on, she said that it hurt her badly and that she cant tell me anything anymore. were on a break now as she's trying to sort out her head. although i said it i've had time to think about it al and knowing i've hurt her so makes me die. i feel wretched, constantly sick, i was her rock and now i cant even speak to her because it makes things worse. i just pray that she can forgive me. i know this has been long winded but the best advice i can give to you, is give him time and space, if only a few days ago he said how much he loved you then that hasn't chnged. at the end of the day, he's only human. things can be said that are rash and out of character. just hang in there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): i think i went through something similar to the first post. last year, my boyfriend and i had been going out for 2.5 years and gradually over time, he started becomin distant, said he needed time. i was so afraid that this was the beginnning of the end, that i became needy, pestering him. after 3 months of this, he decided that his issues/needs were not being met and he ended it. it was the worst feeling in the world and i would never wish that upon anyone. i would wake up every morning and have no reason to get out of bed, woke up with the most sinking feeling. anyways wot i'd like to say is that, shit happens. i feel in retrospect that if i was mature enough to not be so insecure and give him that space he needed and be understanding we wouldnt have broken up. we are back together now but things dont feel the same. the first feeling that u get with someone u truly love is special. depending on how the both of u handle the relationship will determine how that love will feel. i agree that insecurities can destroy a relationship. i think in our case, we both had some, but werent willing to talk it out in an understanding and trustig way. theres this great site "the in security blanket" which gives tips on how a couple can overcome insecurities.. i wish i had seen that before any of this shit happened. good luck.
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A
female
reader, sunny21  +, writes (22 August 2007):
i can relate to a few of these problems to!
i have been with my girlfriend for just over two month now and have fallen really hard for her, but before this relationship i have had two other relationships which have both ended because they have cheated, or found someone else.
after the second relationship i said to myself i wouldnt rush into anything but found myself in love with my former girlfriend. i do have some majour trust issues, and to be fair im not suprised so before it got to serious with her i mentioned this so she knew before hand. anyways two weeks into the relationship we are on a night out with her friends and she had vanished for 15 minutes, she then comes back and as we are walking out of the club she tells me she had kissed someone whilst she had be gone. my trust issues were already bad enough then that happend! i took her back because im a strong believer in second chances and after that incident the relationship was at its best until this last week. i've seen her twice within 2 weeks and i think 2 months into a relationship it should be at its best! anyways she would normally send me emails at work and ring or txt me every night but im getting nothing, ive asked her if everythings ok and she says that its fine its just that shes busy at work. i cant help but panic and think she does not want to be with me anymore. am really scared of loosing her as i dont think i can go through the pain of being heart broken again, i have told her this but she thinks am just nagging. and now am worried that im pushing her away what shall i do??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Like everyone else, I can also relate. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now, and we are on the verge of breaking up due to my insecure and paranoid behaviour. I have constant fears about her cheating (particuarly with my best mate who she is getting close to), and I find myself needy and obsessive. I can't go 5 minutes without talking to her, or I think she hates me. Paranoid, I know, and these are only a few examples of what has been going on. She wants a break in the relationship cause my insecurities have hurt her deeply, and she is unhappy and feels she cannot trust me. I don't blame her. Funny thing is, I've actually never meant to hurt her. I love her with all of my heart. I can't imagine life without her, yet due to personal insecurities, I am blowing it. The point is, these feelings are common amongst people, and the best solution at times is space.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): He sounds like a loser; if you are reaching out to him because you need him and he backs off and says you're being needy, then what kind of a friend is he? it would be different if you're always insecure and always checking after him...but you shouldn't allow him to hold his love ransom and use it as a reward or a condition depending on whether you behave the right way for him. be strong and make sure you know what your values are all by yourself before you go changing for anyone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): hi there, i am going through the same situation as you and i am going out of my mind, i am very depressed and out of work, i cant eat -sleep-concentrate-i have been with my girlfriend for 7 months she was my dream girl at school and never had the guts as a child to even talk to her, we are both in our early forties. early on in our relationship she got a text late one night,i asked who it was from and she said her ex partner wanting some bank information and i didnt believe her, eventualy she spilled the beans and it was someone she had a fling with ten years ago, he was around for a while and wanted to take her out for dinner, ever since this i have been a nightmare and i am so argumentitive and aggresive i feel paranoid and cant seem to trust her although i realy want to and to be fair she has given me no reason to not trust her other than the pre-mentioned. when i asked her why she lied in the first place she said she panicked and didnt want to upset our relationship,she regrets it and i have made her suffer so much for it so many times, i feel realy bad now and so upset, she has left me now for the third time and gone back to her mums, yesterday i seen a doctor who is refering me to a councilor as he says i am suffering bad depression, i am also trying to get work in order to take control of my life again, i want her back so much and i am full of reget and i think we have to consider the outcome from our actions and words and realise that if we do get our partners back we must have more control over how we maintain the relationship, i realy hope you get him back, all the best david
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006): I understand how you are feeling. My girlfriend just left me because of my insecurities and because I am pushing her away. She says she needs sometime alone to think about things and what she really wants. I will constantly ask if she loves me or if she has ever cheated on me. She says no we have 2 children and she wouldnt even have time to cheat on me even if she wanted too. But there is still that little voice and thoughts in my heads that she will. Meanwhile we do have a perfect relationship. But because of my insecurities I have ruined our relationship. This is easy for me to say but you just need to take it day by day. When he comes home just simply talk. (And listen, but give him a little bit of space) That is easy for me to say but I cant even take my own advise. Good luck I hope things work out for you.
Ken
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A reader, Jonny Boy , writes (31 January 2005): I do understand the pain you're going through, trust me, I really do. What you lack are self confidence and the fear of having to adapt to any changes made (or are about to be made)in your relationship. And although its perfectly normal for one partner to be clingy towards the other, you should realise by now that it doesn't help in any way(at all)! Try to be rational and think about this, if your boyfriend knew you were clingy(which he does), wouldn't that make him the stronger one in the relationship? And if someone were to know that he/she is the stronger partner, wouldn't he/she have the thought at the back of their heads that because they can live without you and you can't, they know they could just walk out the door without getting hurt? If you still follow me, you'll notice that you've actually portrayed yourself as being very weak and naturally, your boyfriend has reacted to that by giving you the cold shoulder and is telling you to be more independent(supportive) and less clingy. Also, wouldn;t you be annoyed if someone kept calling on your phone to talk about his/her problems?? I'd think you'd be okay for the first two conversations but when that person starts calling you frantically, you'd begin to find him/her irritating and useless, wouldnt you? And let me ask you this, would you stay with someone who irritates you?? If you want to revive the spark in your relationship, you better start doing something about your being needy, telling him how useless and insecure you are, always crying in front of him, etc...and show him that you too can live without him(even if you really can't)!! Its like a phsycological warfare between the both of you. Think about this, you'd want something you can't have or control wouldnt you?? Likewise, in your realtionship, make him get the message that although you love him so very much, you can be alone if you wanted, so think very carefully before you say you want break up!!I'm sorry if my advices seem harsh at times, but I'm sure if you just hear me out and take my advice, you'd be okay. He'd love you to bits, just as you wanted. Be strong not just for your relationship, but for yourself as well. However, saying that, its also not good to be too strong but that's never gonna be your situation anyways, so not to worry about that. Best of luck!!
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