A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been dating my boyfriend for four years. We are both in our early thirties and hope to have a long future together. My problem is this, though I love my boyfriend very much, I am having issues with his masculinity. I am very attracted to a Mans man, garage loving, football playing, bug squashing, rough around the edges, man who will get the job done type. I like the feeling of security I get from this type of man. My boyfriend is not this type of man. He shrieks and runs from bugs, even little moths. I have to do all the bug killing. He can't fix the kitchen sink, and thinks nothing of calling AAA to fix a flat tire. He hires a handyman for everything or I do it for him. I can't tell you how unattractive it is when he is standing over me watching while I fix the garbage disposal. Now I find out that he is taking Tap Dance lessons. I don't want to be sterotypical but I find this disgusting and repulsive. I'm not looking for judgement, every woman is entitled to be attracted to whatever turns them on. For me this is not it! What do I do? The idea of him putting on tap shoes and going to a dance studio makes my stomach sick. This is the least manly thing a man can do (to me). I find it very unattractive and now all the other things that I thought were little annoyances are starting to become a big problem. I know for myself I have to be with a man that makes me feel secure and protected. I don't think he's gay because he wants to dance. I just wonder what makes him want to do this. I have asked and he doesn't really have an answer. How can I deal with this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): The hardest kinds of break-ups are those like this situation. And they are the most common, or at least the most common reason why other problems develop. Fact is, neither one of the parties in this are wrong. Nobody is the bad guy. Its just a matter of incompatibility. You can love someone to death, but if they aren't on the same page, then they just aren't. I'm pretty sure, OP, that when you got with him you were willing to overlook the fact that he wasn't as masculine as you would like because of his other good qualities. I'm sure you were thinking, "Ok, I like my men more manly, but it would be shallow of me not to give him a chance." And that's not a bad way to think. But, the fact is you like what you like and there's nothing you can do about it. Likewise, he is how he is and its not your place to change him. In fact, it would be unfair and wrong for you to try to change him into someone he's not.The tap-dancing is just highlighting for you what you've tried to deny in order to keep in the relationship - that he's just not your type. Fact is, if you don't break it off with him now, you'll end it doing it in the future. A big strong manly man might come along one day and be attracted to you and you're attracted to him and next thing you know, you'll want out of the current relationship. And it would be more devastating to your boyfriend to dump him under those circumstances than to just say now, "Honey, I love you dearly, but I just don't think we're compatible." Or, more commonly, you'll grow more and more frustrated that he is who he is and start sniping at him and being mean. It happens all the time and your love will be replaced by resentment and anger.These are the hardest kind of situations. Like I said, there's no bad guys here. There's no abuse, no cheating, no put-downs or the other stuff we read on here all the time that would make the answer more clear. I'm sure he's a great person, as are you. You just 2 great people who really shouldn't be together.
A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Wow Satinsdesire and Wonderingcat you have both presented great cases for nature and nurture of feminine characteristics!
I realize nurture indicates more of an upbringing, but consider thinking about gender chracteristics in terms of our CULTURE today in the 21st century. Yes, American society where there are everincreasing ways and processes for creating art, music, novelty!
I think dancing and self-expression should be celebrated and encouraged as opposed to relegated to the feminine gender. Sure, maybe the feminine has always been the example for creative potential, but what about celebrating masculine recognition of the female divine so to speak.
I mean, 4 years is a long time to be with someone and suddenly realize you want a more masculine partner. What has changed in him and why? Maybe you should be asking that? Is he just trying to break out and do something new? Maybe you could help him find that too!
Good luck
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Satin, actually, there is an "easy" way to differentiate gender, masculinity/femininity and sex. It took me a while to grasp these concepts too. Here are some of the more commonly accepted definition and parameters:- Gender is a term to describe a "role" shaped by society (hence we are the ones who put the labels on them, and "define" what a person of the "sex" should and should not do/feel ). The phrase "role" in itself already indicates that it is a social construct, since we are the ones that gives the "label". - Sex is a biological term (referring to the chromosome make up), so there are two members (male and female) plus the anomalies (e.g. xxy). A hermaphrodite is not necessarily a boy/girl on the genetic makeup, as it only refers to the genitalia and related reproductive organs (and sometimes hormones)- Masculine/feminine are adjectives [connected to gender] therefore it is also shaped by the society.There are cultures in the world that men who posses no "art" ability is pretty much ridiculed by their friends (though not set as outcasts) and women who cannot work in the field are considered useless!But I know exactly what you mean. A friend of mine, was raised by a progressive mother who wanted to "defy" the established gender roles. They were given toy trucks as opposed to dolls to play with when they were toddlers. But guess what they did? My friend (the older sister) wrapped her toy truck in a blanket and carried it as if it was baby doll! lol. Her mother gave up when she was 6 and started buying her dolls instead. Her sister, just played with whatever she liked at that moment lol.This explanation also applies to the OP, as it will help you to understand your situation and hopefully add some enlightenment in your thinking process in this case.Cat
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (8 April 2009):
This is getting to be an interesting debate. The question is, do you want to go further into the relationship, complete with his "flaws", or not? You fell in love with him some time ago, so there must have been something about him that attracted him to you. I can easily say "count your blessings" particularly if you went through many of these relationship problems that are far greater than yours (e.g. abuse, cheating, death, disorders, etc etc etc), but this is your life and only you can know what you really want in life and in this relationship. There is probably never be a 100% compatibility in a relationship (imagine how boring that would be LOL).Masculinity and femininity can be shaped by both gender role as well as genetic makeup of the person. You only need to visit a gay bar to see the examples, of both the male and female sex. A male with more female hormones can be effeminate, yet still heterosexual in his sexual preference [and performance in that department]. Likewise, a female can have more male hormones thus acting more masculine, yet *not* homosexual. Conversely, we have seen gorgeous males/females acting "normal" and with balanced hormones [of the right kind] who are homosexuals. And yes, we have both male and female hormones in our bodies, just the "composition" are different.As for your boyfriend, it could be a combination of hormonal composition, as well as brain structure. Statistically speaking, people with higher activities on the right side of the brain are often more into "creative" than "logical" thinking. Then there are also hypotheses that that there are "male" and "female" parts of the brain, i.e. a woman [by chromosome definition] can have a structural thinking framework "like a man" and vice versa. This is still being highly debated, academically at least.For you, the bottom line is, as it has been mentioned by others, that you have an idea of qualities that you would like your boyfriend to have. And right now he is not meeting those ideals. There is nothing wrong with that. We all discover things that we do not like about our partners, that gave us the nudge to re-assess the situation/relationship. Seems like this is that process in your relationship now.Though I must say, guys who love to dance, are often surrounded by girls who want to dance with them, and admire their ability to dance. For someone like myself, who can't dance to save my life, i see the ability to dance and having a perfect rhythm to follow the music it is an awesome gift to have! Wen all I have is the "curse" LOL But I can fix a sink and do some handy jobs around the apartment! And I love to bake and cook (well, at least when I put my mind to it).So back to you, OP. If it bothered you *much* that it eats into your relationship, than I think you already know what you want [or not want] and which direction you want to go [or not go]. As long as you have this out in the open with your boyfriend, he will respect your decision. Some ideals are met, some are compromised. That's what relationship is all about.Good luck, and stay strong!Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the last poster that gender is more nurture than nature. I have witnessed the way is Mother interacts with him and how she constantly emasculates him. She never even allowed him to play with toy guns when he was a small boy. And as a result he thinks little boys shouldn't play with toy guns. Isn't that pretty much a right of passage as a little boy, like a little girl playing with dolls? It goes much deeper than that. At thirty something years old an adult male who owns his home and pays his own bills will take his beer out of the fridge and "hide" it under his bed because his mother might show up. She doesn't even have a key. I could go on forever. However, I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post an answer. You all have really opened my eyes to what is really going on, and that is we are just two VERY different people. It wasn't easy but I told him that things between us need to end and we both need to find someone that will make us happy and love us for who we are. I know it's not fair for me to judge him based on something like tap dancing.And no, I would never want to change him. I love him and he is who he is, it is not up to me to decide how or who he should be. I can only control myself, that is why I have decided to move on and find a man who will live up to my ideals instead of hoping he can become that man.
Again, Thank You.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): satindesire, your assumptions are flawed. I have a Phd in psychology and an MA in Cultural Studies. Gender is a cultural construction. There is no such thing as being feminine from birth.
Some people conform to gender roles earlier than others, but gender is a nurture issue, not a nature one.
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A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (7 April 2009):
I think its fantastic that you want different qualities in a guy. It takes most people along time to realize what they want.
My advice is to move on, because you obviously dont like your b/f's qualities.
Thats as simple an issue if i ever heard one. You wouldnt want to try to change him would you? Try to make him "more masculine"?
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male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (7 April 2009):
Satins desire...I read through both the posters posts and all the responses.
I have a personal connection and personal experience where the guy is coming from in this post so please hear me out. For almost a year, I have been involved in a very conscious, open minded community of people who share one passion (as well as a few others) nameley hula hooping, and while some would consider that feminine, it has set me free in more ways than one.
Activities do not dictate masculinty, and despite his inability to fix the plumbing, drive a big gas guzzler, and shot beer cans with a rifle, he is still a person and is worthy of someone who loves him for who he is.
Original poster, if you want someone more masculine, GREAT.
I simplified the issue because it IS simple. The original poster doesnt like her boyfriend for who he is apparently, and should probably spare him the time and heartbreak of dragging this out further than it needs to go.
I am all for moving on if two people arent compatible, for the sake and well being of both. And I believe, IMHO that this situation is the case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsatindesire, thank you for your answer and for driving my issue home. I really appreciate your insight and your ability to look at the issue objectively. I believe your answer is correct that we are just too incompatible.Because I love him and have all my hopes and dreams wrapped up in him it's difficult for me to admit. However, I think it's something that I can't ignore any longer. Again, Thank you!
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male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (7 April 2009):
I understnd where he is coming from and where you are coming from.
You said it yourself, you dont like his tap dancing. So either get past that fact or move on in the relationship. Dont try to change him.
I think its really sad that you label people as being either masculine or not based on something so benign as tap dancing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not about the work he can do, it's about the "type" of man he is. And if it was as simple as it making him feel good than he should be able to give that answer. I am supportive in everything he likes to do, except I cannot get behind this. I asked you not to judge my personal attration to a man. His inability to fix a kitchen sink, change a tire, or kill a bug makes me fell like their is something lacking in him. Right or wrong that is how i feel. I grew up with very strong male influences in my life and have a very distint opinion on the way a man should act and behave. I couldn't imagine telling my father, brothers and grandfather that my boyfriend is taking tap classes. And you certainly jump to conclusions, just because he wants to tap doesn't mean he is affectionate, open and a great listener. He has many very "real" male qualities otherwise I wouldn't be with him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): He probably wants to tap because it makes him feel good. If you can't even entertain the idea of supporting his own participation in the things he likes to do and find it "disgusting and repulsive" then there are serious issues in your relationship beyond the strict level of gender conformance that you are demanding. I suggest that you may on your own want to examine the kinds of things that are necessary in the relationships you want. Where does bug killing and sink fixing sit in relation to his ability to express to you how he feels, demonstrate affection, listen? How does he rate in the other areas that are necessary for your relationships? It sounds right now like you are more interested in the work he can do for you than the person he is?
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