A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 years old and I've been married now for 17 months. We have a son whose a year. We've known each other over 10 years nad ad several attempts at a relationship before. I guess he was my first love and when we were dating in 2007 I got pregnant and we married. Most of our relationship is good, except for his friends. i hate them! Ever since we got married they've created a rift by always wanting him to lime with them. It's gooten really bad now because everytime he goes out he drinks and we end up fighting horribly and have even thought about seperating. When he drinks he's very rude and harsh with me. He says it's not their fault but I do blame them because this only happes wih them. I love my husband and I do't want us to break up but I can't take the arguements anymore. What should I do?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Well personally I think the rushing into marriage because you were pregnant triggered a sense of responsibility for him and whilst there is still love in the marriage and a child involved there is still a level of hope.
You may be talking to him but are you really saying what needs to be said and is he really listening? I seem to doubt that as we don't always listen to the other person and it sometimes needs a neutral observer to help us through this process.
I think some counselling could help you both but you both have to be prepared to do it and also to afford it.
The drink is letting his inhibitions go and perhaps he feels quite trapped by the whole situation, if he does, then he needs to talk to you about it.
Have you told him how you want the arguments to stop or it could break up your marriage?
It cannot continue like this as it is pulling you down and he is trying to play the care free man that he was before he was married. Yes you resent his friends because they get his attention and are possibly not the best influence on him right now but he is obviously desperate for some sort of release.
When he is sober and you are able to have some quiet couple time perhaps try to make a calm surrounding and talk to him about some possible counselling so that you have at least tried to resolve the problems without just splitting or separating without actually addressing what is wrong in your relationship.
Did he feel left out once your child was born? Has your sex life altered? Men often feel like they are no longer needed when we pour all our attention on the baby. Does your husband interact with your child and spend time with him?
Maybe if money wise you can afford it you could suggest a break for either the 3 of you or just a weekend away for just him and yourself and see if a relative could have your son so that you can regain some quality time together.
Do you feel severely depressed at all?
Maybe he feels that he cannot talk to you?
It does need to be addressed though as you cannot continue going on like this as the situation will only get worse so nipping it in the bud now and actually trying to resolve the issues both you and your husband have may mean that you can work through this difficult time.
I went through Relate in the UK with my ex and then had some individual counselling and the best of all was Couple counselling, I know it costs but you may find that you can get some assistance with this through your GP or something. We had very different issues to deal with as there was an affair involved on his part so trust issues were addressed.
I suffered with postnatal depression which was quite severe but went undetected for over 2 years as no one would listen to me at all. I used to have over 8 hours sleep after my daughter was 3 months old and wake up and struggle to get out of bed and felt like I needed to go straight back to bed as exhaustion and depression made me feel this way. It was only after my friend's daughter died at the age of 2 and a half that a healthcare worker detected it for me, my doctor at the time had completely ignored my pleas.
If you feel at all like any of the symptons I have mentioned then also get yourself to your doctor and talk through some options, it doesn't always mean antidepressants as there are some natural options and what we eat and also supplements and vitamins we can take.
I wish you good luck but do try to talk initially but in a relaxed environment or maybe go out for a meal so you are not in the home and get someone to look after your son so that you can talk outside of the home where you disagree or argue, neutral territory.
Keep us posted eh and thinking of you.
BFN
Country Woman
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