A
female
age
30-35,
*oxy_bb
writes:ok, deep breath.. i have been molested by my moms boyfriend for about 4 years. from about the age of 12-16. as a result of this, i am very uncomfortable and nervous around him. every time i see him my heart beats a thousand times faster and i just want to die. it feels as if my heart has been torn apart. i cry myself to sleep every night and wake up from nightmares about it still crying. i am very ashamed and embaresed by what he did to me and i blaim myself for what happened. i cant seem to get over this, though i know that i should be already.. what has happened has messed up my life and i am really struggling with this. any help or advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, yogi33  +, writes (16 October 2010):
There is this great online site I think can help you. www.aftersilence.org/forum
A
female
reader, yogi33 +, writes (16 October 2010):
First of all you did nothing wrong. I was sexually abused all throughout my childhood. At 5 years old my grandfather molested me,at 11 brother raped me. I was moved to a foster home, the foster father sexually abused me. I moved back with my family, My aunt raised me. Her son sexually abused me from 12 to 17. I have to children with him due to this. When I was 21 I started going to sexual abuse group and found other women who went through the same thing as children. I learned I was not alone in this thing. There are sexual abuse groups online that you can go to for support. Look some of them up. Very helpful, with women who have been through the same thing we have.
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A
female
reader, foxy_bb +, writes (18 May 2010):
foxy_bb is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni cant do this anymore. i really cant. everytime that i see *him* my heart beats a million times faster, im scared, and feel like im going to burst into tears. i know that its stupid, but i cant help being terrified. it is my own fault that this happened-i should have done something to make him stop doing those things to me. i tell him no and to stop it, and try to push him away but hes stronger than me. and then after a stage i just freeze up. just lay there silently crying until hes finished. ive said this before, but its really killing me...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): (Swedish anonymous guy here again)I can see why it's killing you. Though I'm glad he didn't go all the way, it doesn't change the point. He's clearly gone way too far, and it's affected you very strongly emotionally and mentally.This is not because you are "weak" or because you "can't get past it". You're strong. Many don't make it so far they accept there is a problem.Being molested is very, very damaging. The fact that it's by a person you have to see repeatedly (and probably on a day-to-day basis) makes it all that much worse. You can't be safe in your own home. That would be traumatizing on *anyone*.You need help. You really do. Again, this is not because you are weak. This is because the problem is so severe, everyone needs help with it.Is there anyone you could talk with? Maybe someone at school? Preferaly a therapist, but a teacher or schoolmate could work if you're more comfortable talking to them.Do you think you could find someone to rely on?Take care. I really hope you'll find a way to work this out.
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A
female
reader, foxy_bb +, writes (17 May 2010):
foxy_bb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, he never raped me (thankfully), but did just about everything else.. its killing me...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): You blame yourself for what happened because that's exactly how human minds react under intensive stress. It's EXTREMELY common.
Regardless if he molested you by force or coerce, it's not your fault. He's an adult, and originally you were *12*. That's sick regardless of how it came about. In Sweden (where I'm from), having sex with someone underage is ALWAYS considered rape, because they aren't sexually mature enough to make the decision if they're ready to have sex or not. It's the adult's responsibility to prevent anything from happening.
I strongly wish he's stopped molesting you. He deserves to spend a long time in jail, and your mother should get rid of him. I hope you'll be able to bring this up with your mother, but I do appreciate how hard that can be.
The bad news is that this wont just go away. There's only one way to get rid of this trauma, and it's by removing the stressor (which in this case means, stop the raping), and then a lot of therapy to work through your painful experiences. Don't try to force yourself to get over it and pretend nothing happened, it doesn't work and makes you vulnerable emotionally.
It's possible you suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, ideally you should get a professional opinion on that.
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A
female
reader, foxy_bb +, writes (17 May 2010):
foxy_bb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice so far, but the thing is that i do blame myself for what happened. i feel that maybe i deserve it and thats why it happened. i can not and will not tell my mom about this. i must just get over it. its really very hard and to even think about it is painful. i am terrified because of it and every night i am too scared to go to sleep every night. please help!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Where are you from?Find out the laws about child abuse in your Country. And then go to the right authorities and press charges against your mom's boyfriend.I understand you are scared, and afraid to do this, but if your mom does not understand that means she never loved you... Though are you sure she doesnt know her boyfriend molested you?This is not your fault, do not let this people take more of your life away, they have to pay. You are young and have a bright future, look forward to life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Hello there!You must understand that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have been so incredibly brave managing to post this! What he has done to you is so wrong, i can't even start to tell you! You need to get some help and support. Childline is the best place to start (08001111) I know it's so hard to talk to someone, but I promise you this will help you so much and will get him away from you. You can go to the police or ring the NSPCC for advice too. (0808 800 5000)I am so sorry you have had to endure this. If you need any more support you can email me at [email address blocked] I voulnteer for a young person's service that that works with teens who need support in their troubles. I hope you find the courage to get support! :-) x
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