A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wish I could say I was not infatuated. But I am really crazy and having a tough time controlling myself. I am, beautiful, educated and in my twenties, married, without kids leading a very monotonous life. I am happily married, so to say, but I am a little sexually frustrated much due to his weight/obesity. He never tries to exercise in spite of my spelling it out for him. He just takes the pills for low motility and lives his own kind of sick life. I still love him but I am afraid I am losing that spark.Recently, I have been infatuated to a certain person whom I meet on and off for certain unavoidable reasons. He is in a very nice position, young and am intellectually stimulated as well. He smiles a lot and is very friendly. There has not been any move from him except for the strong eye contact during our conversations and the (return of my ?) smiles. I have never felt like sleeping with this guy or anything but I am emotionally cheating my husband which is not a great idea. I long to see him, talk to him, just see him smiling... I ridiculously like this person without even knowning whether he is engaged or not. He knows I am married and I know that he is not.How do I get out of this? I don't want to be a wanton hovering my feelings around guys I don't know about? I need help!
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engaged, sexually frustrated, spark, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I understand. Be careful not to focus on an idealized version of this person. That can happen in their absence. Have you made any progress in sorting out your feelings toward your husband?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDays passed and my mind has not changed a bit. I hadn't seen him afterwards neither heard his voice. Yet, I am still in love, deeply. I have a crazy head over my shoulders now.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 September 2010):
All very understandable. You've got a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt made me feel a little down but logically I know its for my own good! Maybe, he is just professional and down to earth and so with everybody. Yet, that doesn't stop me from liking him but makes him admirable for me. LOL.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 September 2010):
I'd say that's probably for the best. How'd it make you feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I met him again. But he was a lil busy hardly making any eye contact more or less ignoring my existence... which I was planning to do on the contrary...did not give me much time, and listened to me very relunctantly looking at my face and no smiles at all!!!!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
Interesting. I was picturing something like what you described, but I wanted to make sure. I think your decision is the right one. Take your time. Analyze your body language, and see if he's initiating or reciprocating these signals.
Still, remember to try and avert some of your focus back to your husband as well. See if there isn't something you can do together that will get him to be more active.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo. They are not arranged as in dating. I visit him for some official purposes and for someone else.
But things have brought in a change for me in the past few weeks that got me worried. The extra smiles flashed when met in a corridor(new addition), the eagerness to help with my affais (need to observe about his interaction with others), the personal number- all contributed to my new feelings. And I have also been smiling at him like a blissful child. I have assured myself to smiles a lot less next time. He is around 6-7 years elder. So I think he will be matured enough and may be its just good manners? And may be he just find me amusing with all my smiles and gaiety in the middle of a busy day?
Aah! I might be imagining the rest so I don't think its going to culiminate in anything bad as in a relationship. But it affects my emotional stability.
It is my family who would be suspiscious if I don't go there. He wouldn't guess a thing. And even if I call him or text him it has been thoroughly for my family.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
Yeah, it's a great feeling at first. When it turns into unrequited love, it can actually start to stuck pretty bad. Especially if it lasts for years. :(
You keep meeting him once a fortnight... Do you arrange these meetings or are they random? You say he'd be suspicious if you stopped going, why is that a bad thing? After all, unless the purpose of these meetings is something else, you are actually having an affair as we speak. Sure, you aren't sleeping together (yet), but sneaking around and going on dates isn't much different. Unless these aren't dates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for coming back to reply, dirtball. No, he is not a co worker. But I keep meeting him once a fortnight or so. If I say I don't want to then that will definitely arouse suspiscions. Yet, crushing is agreat feeling especially if you are single and even so without returns.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
And why not?!? I'm single, and frankly, I don't care if they are. I'm not talking about locking gazes here, just a friendly smile. What you're talking about is different. When you lock eyes, and give a big smile, that's a different story. It is a form of communication. It's using body language to say that which you cannot verbalize.
If you want to get over your infatuation, then you'll have to avoid contact with him. Do what you can, but I'm guessing this is a guy at work, so you see him anyway. That's how it usually goes. I'm guilty of crushing on a coworker. The problem on my end is that she's in a relationship and I'm in the friend zone... In my case though, she's not married, but I doubt that would affect how I feel for her. Oh well, life's too short to dwell on that which we cannot control.
You said that your husband claims to not have the time to exercise. What if you started taking nightly walks? It will be a struggle at first, but can become a habit rather quickly. You can build from there. Start small though. Asking him to become a chiseled man-god can be very intimidating and if a goal appears unattainable, it actually serves as a demotivator. Make small goals together and work together to accomplish them. Your husband needs your support and help. Maybe if you can focus this energy in that direction this whole problem will solve itself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey dirtball, don't smile at pretty girls much. LOL! It may brighten up their day or ruin their life. Smiles are really confusing if you do them with a lot of eye contact. They send signals even if unintentional. I have been grinning a lot at this one and I need to check it for sure.
I have been planning different ways not to meet this guys because I am at fault. I have feelings for him while he hasn't.
I shall keep everyone of you posted. Please pour in your advice while you can...
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
Guys smile at pretty girls. It's just something we do. Sometimes, if I see someone who looks down, I'll shoot them a smile in hopes that the little gesture will brighten their day. It's also something that is hard not to do back if someone smiles at you.
Him giving you his number is a sign of interest. He knows you're married, so he isn't pursuing anything with you. That's because most men don't pursue friendships with women who they can't also pursue beyone friendship. He put the ball in your court. The fact that you haven't acted on it is a good sign for your marriage.
I think the anon reader's story about his similar situation is something you should take to heart. Give your husband a real wakeup call. It may be just the kick in the pants he needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't see my previous UPDATE!
I have talked about my take on his body weight before. I also implied that I want him to look in a certain way like this certain guy, the most I could say. But he says he doesn't have the time to!
More than being worried about my husband I am now concerned about my growing affections for this person. I shouldn't say that he has given me any signals at all than some smiles. Couldn't be that he is just being friendly and I am going crazy all over him?
I can't tell you why I cannot keep myself from seeing him. It will be too disclosing to do so!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer.
You're right. I do find admirable. But I don't think he would want to make friends with me. we haven't had any real personal conversations.
Tell me one thing, why would men smile full faced? Because they are shy? In this case, there have been no advances except that he gave me his personal number without asking. I haven't given mine and not sure if he has it saved. But he doesn't text me or anything. Nor do I unnecessarily.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
You find him attractive and are creating things in your head. Sure, the flirty smiles are real, but how much do you actually talk to this guy? You're sexually frustrated, and that's coming out in this behavior.
I would suggest sitting your husband down and telling him that he's losing you. Your interests are changing because of his lack of self care and unwillingness to make changes is driving you away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): My wife had a situation like this in our mid 20's a year or so after we were married. I was not overweight or inactive, but was extremely stressed out due to work. She was also working, but there was an attractive guy there whom started paying her a lot of attention. It started out with smiles and excited conversation between them, and escalated to his frequently complemented her appearance. Basically, he was giving her what I was not. I was completely wrapped up in my own problems at that time - for about 6 months. To make matters worse, I think she was generally feeling that let down after the excitement of planning and getting married gives way to the realization that you are now off the market forever, and married life can be a bit mundane (especially when your husband is ignoring you).
I guess things progressed to the point where she began questioning whether she would stop him if he tried to do stuff with her. That's when she told me. In essence, she gave me a chance to solve the problem, before it permanently destroyed us. I changed my behavior, and we went back to normal.
Now this hurt me a lot. To be honest, it still does. It created a little separation between us, a little crack in our intimacy, that will never in my mind be completely repaired. The thought of her, when times were very tough for me, just started looking elsewhere was and is very hard for me to completely forget.
However, I am glad she told me. She gave me a fighting chance to save our marriage. And, let me tell you, it scared me into action...big time.
So, my advice would be to tell your husband. Give him that warning shot across the bow. It's not an ultimatum. You are being honest. You are a hound woman with lots of options, and because of his lack of concern you are naturally feeling the pull of others. You don't want this to happen, but it is, and you wanted him to know why BEFORE anything happens.
If he is smart, he will change. If he does not, perhaps it's better to move on now - rather than spend a lifetime regretting the life you could have had.
Good luck to you. We survived all this just fine. I hope you will too,
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Well honestly, i would just avoid the situation completly. You are married and even though your husband has let himself go, he is still your husband. Just talk to him about it.
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