New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login239596 questions, 1059245 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Low self esteem is punishing me

Tagged as: Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 18 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello to you all. I'm basically just wanting to know of anybody has gone through this and if so how do I overcome it. I have extreme self-esteem issues - it's starting to ruin my life literally. I dread summer or warm days where I have to show skin. I'm extremely pale I've veins that show and it makes me paranoid. I can't go swimming with my children or go on holidays etc I hate the idea of people looking at me and judging me.

I've recently had a baby a few months ago and it's gotten worse now. Cellulite and belly flap I'm two stone over weight which might not seem a lot but I feel disgusted with what I see. My bf is a lot younger than me and I feel my issues and lack of trust because of it is gonna push him away into the arms of a young beautiful woman. I don't want anyone to see me unless I'm plastered in make up and I hate the feel of foundation on my skin or tan on my body.

There are days where I've missed drs appointments or meetings because I've felt too disgusting to leave the house. Acting like I'm fine is a front. If I go out I see how slim and pretty everyone is and just feel like I can't compete with my ruined body. I don't want to be like this anymore it's becoming too much. If a fake breasted dolly bird comes on tv or there's a nude scene I get so upset that that's what my bf would prefer than what I have to offer, my mood changes and I make an excuse to go to bed.

My bf and family don't realise that I spend most of my day trying to fix myself up to look nice and feel good only to be crying most of the day. They have no idea how bad it really is and I can't tell them. Help

View related questions: on holiday, self esteem

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017):

Lastly I just have to let you know that translucent white skin is very beautiful. I had a friend with such pale skin that you could almost see these bluey veins and she was so very beautiful that I was in awe of her!

Imagine my surprise when she told me she had been hospitalised as a teenager for anorexia!

She was so smart and then also so wonderful.

Its going back a long way now but it is a complete surprise when life allows you to meet someone totally wonderful and yet not snobby because she was also a million times smarter than me which was a good thing as she could charm the living daylights out of anyone and still keep track.

Aside from all these assets she was a person like me and I will never forget her mainly because of her beautiful white skin and her fabulous aura.

Naturally guys adored her but she wasn't vain and she would talk to me about interesting things and was probably the closest person to a best friend at that time as we had similar lives apart from the intelligence thing and nice friends and so on.

African friends at the time and they told me that they envied white skin on women (well the African ladies) did because it glowed in the dark and I had never thought about it that way!

And so on!

But the point is that if you go to your local lido and sit in the shade you will see it all hang out and no-one cares.

We are all human and our bodies are our carriage!

So perhaps you should get some anti depressants as you must be a bit down to let jelly belly put you through such hell at such a wonderful time in your life.

And how do you get all day to care about it because I never got a waking moment to notice my faults because there was never any time with little ones about?

Find a women's group and push the buggy and get swapping stories about life's secrets because you will be surprised what you will learn and you will get your natural bounce back!

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017):

I had to think about you quite a bit because of the extreme sadness about your situation.

It wasnt thinking to understand it was a persistant kind of thinking that wouldnt let me forget you so as I know my last answer wasnt a perfect cure all I want to add a little bit , firstly to let you know that you are no cruella deville!

You are a kind hearted and wonderful person who has a small amount of post baby tummy wobble and you are feeling regretful about the fact that the belly doesnt snap like a piece of tight elastic inti a beautifuk photoshopped unrealistic post baby prebaby perfection.

Your husband is in awe of you that you have managed to create another beautiful child and there you are the woman he wants to love forever, the maddona, the mother of his children, his spiritual and future connection.

And yet how is he to explain the changes in your body!

All he knows is that you blow his mind with your wonderfulness and the magic you have put into his life with the family.

He is no longer the small lad wondering if he would ever have a family of his own, he is now a new dad yet again and he wants to be good tyo you and look after you and love you way past your sell by date and long after tall buikdings have fallen down!

He wants to walk by your side and protect and make sure that no harm will come to you.

He doesnt want a photoshopped wife out of a magazine he wants a real woman.

Have you noticed how celebrities putout photos of their pregnancy and skinny them about two weeks later!

You dont really believe that stuff do you?

Half of those so called pregnancies were surrogate and the public mum to be puts on a prosthetic belly for the photo shoot.

Thats the lengths they go to prove how much they wanted to have a child of their own.

And they want to be like everyone else. But the post birth photos have to be photoshopped anyway!

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

The strange thing is that we can feel quite terrible on the inside and yet look perfectly pleasant on the outside.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say and this is often the case.

When a couple meet and greet and hug they exchange a warm kind of positive energy.

Very rarely is anyone looking to see if there is a blemish here and there.

What they are looking for is the recognition from the familiar person they love that they also love the beholder.

Beauty is about the warmth of the smile and passion is the energy of the touch.

Youve heard people say that someone is a cold fish or a damp squid?

What they tend to refer to is that the person has no love in them.

Love is not really about body size or shape or proportion.

If the person you love prefers to dress in bright orange with flecks of moonshine blue and you have wonderful times together, then your heart quickens when you see that moonshine blue and orange clothed silhoutte striding towards you.

You could smile with delight or scowl with a look of hate.

Generally people prefer to see the warmth of the smile and feel the touch of the embrace.

Children especially love the kindness of the person who loves them and every Cruella de Ville knows that no matter how thin their waist or how hoicked up their breasts no child would be deceived by their unkind actions.

So give your guy a chance to love who you are and not just your style and fashion!

Very probably he does love you just as you are but if you love him let him see that light in your eyes and feel the warmth of your breathe because this is what reciprical love feel likes.

Love him for loving you and get your mind of your imperfections.

He is not looking for superskinny ultra tanned and toned diva, he is looking for you!

And he wants you to revel in your happiness at being with him on your life journey rather than being with anyone else.

<-- Rate this answer


A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

The extreme type of body-shame and self-esteem issues you have described requires professional-counseling and therapy.

We can give you empathy and support; but you need help from a nutritionist, a medical doctor, and mental-health professional.

Nothing we can say will make you see past your possible body dysmorphia issues and self-loathing. You describe physical issues that are pretty common in women and things that occur with normal aging. It makes little sense considering you have attracted a man who cares enough for you to be your boyfriend.

There are no magic words that people say that will make you snap out of how you feel. However; you have to feel love for the body you're born into; because we don't get to pick them out like a new dress or a pair of shoes. Pale-skin is common in most of Europe; and unless you're very dark-complected, you can see veins through fairer-skins. We have options to shape the body and care for it. Nature is also fair to us, it isn't merciless.

Most people complain without justification. It's just vanity and an over-developed sense of entitlement. Brainwashing from the media and advertising. They actually hire special psychologists to learn how to get into our minds. To create a craving for perfection, when perfection does not exist in the natural world.

Most women find cosmetic ways or garments to cover what they don't wish to show. You go on a diet and to the gym to lose weight and tone the body. You can't wish weight away. It takes commitment to good nutrition and physical-activity with exercise. Drinking plenty of water.

There are out-patient procedures for varicose veins and cellulose. Cosmetic surgeries are expensive and the last resort. Most of the time these surgeries are unnecessary for people without injury or disfigurement. Plastic surgery is more or less a costly indulgence for the vain and wealthy.

You were created/born to love and be loved. You are a human the same as every other individual you see around you. Worth no more and no less than anyone else on the planet. If you can't love yourself, you make it difficult for others to love you. Your self-loathing projects a vibe that makes it difficult for people to be around you. Or, you'll isolate yourself from humanity for illogical and unsubstantiated reasons. Living a hermit's existence for being "human."

Hating yourself is unhealthy and a sign of mental-health problems that require immediate attention. When your mind won't give you peace, you seek it through finding help. You may also turn to your spiritual-beliefs, and seek the enlightenment and counseling from your religious leadership. If you partake in worship, and have belief in a higher spiritual power. You turn to prayer as an additional option. Living hopelessly gives you emptiness, and you feel the shell (the body) is all that matters. Love comes from the inside out. Not the other way around, sweetheart!

Once you've had some counseling, and had the chance to talk to a professional; you can unload all the bad feelings and be offered treatments that will help deal with possible anxiety and depression. Weight and appearance affects or challenges us all. It's the degree that it influences how we think and feel about ourselves that matters. "Living" should not feel like misery and a sickness. Life should be balanced. We experience joy and sorrow, grief and celebration, and we should show gratitude for all our blessings. You also have a personality, not just a body.

Doctors see bodies all day long, that's what they're there for. It's their sworn profession. To treat illnesses and save lives. They offer diagnosis and treatment. You have to know when shame leads to utter foolishness. Neglecting your health for the sake of vanity is deadly!

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2017):

The worst thing is . I know I've met my soulmate he's absolutely fantastic. handsome, fun, caring. I literally couldn't have carved a nicer person. But it doesn't matter what he tells me or how he tries to require me I still think he's lying and he's into other women either ontv or real life how ca I be what he wants the way I am. I've always struggled with my looks growing up I feel a lot worse now I dont even want my kids to look at me, what kind of role model or mum am I when I'm acting like this? I just want to feel normal that's all not perfect just okay with myself

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2017):

I feel for you.

I suggest you seek professional help! There are some great therapists out there! Have you tried cognitive therapy?

The first thing you should do is accept the current state of... well, everything. Your body, your relationship towards yourself, bf, children... see what everything really is, but remember that everything's temporary and so are the problems. If you face them and work on them, you will solve them. It just takes time. So, give yourself time. Do not look for quick solutions, they do not exist and this pressure can only push you farther down the black hole.

Do things that make you feel good. Eat healthy foods and move!

Personally, yoga and meditation (I'm not talking about religious approach, just fitness&wellness) saved my life. I was just focused on how good it felt to be physically active and how great it felt after showing up for my yoga class and exercising. I loved meditation classes and how relaxed I was after them. Instead on focusing on losing weight and physical appearance I focused on what was inside - how I felt, how the choices I was making made me feel. Weight-loss occurred as a nice side-effect of me wanting to feel better. My self-esteem improved and I got more confident (but NOT because of weight-loss). Until my sole goal was to lose weight and start comparing myself favorably to others, I was stuck in a vicious circle of yo-yo dieting, poor self-image, low self-esteem, bulima...

Also, yoga and meditation classes helped me step out of a certain type of isolation I found myself in. It is possible to be married, have a family and still feel so isolated and lonely. I met some wonderful people there.

It doesn't have to be yoga or meditation for you. The key is to do something that makes you feel good (and I'm not talking about eating a ton of ice-cream ;), something you really like. And don't beat yourself up if you do not know what it is right off the bat. Give yourself time to find out.

Btw, when I started going to those classes, I not only had less time to devote to pleasing everybody else around me, to worrying if i'm doing the right thing and to thinking negatively about myself. I simply didn't have the energy for negative patterns on top of the fact that I was feeling so much better.

Be kind to yourself. When negative thoughts appear, realize that they are not "the truth" about you, they are JUST thoughts. They come and go. Let them go do not dwell on them and give them significance.

Anyway, in a nutshell, start exploring and find something (or many things) that you enjoy doing. Be active. Experiment.

And, again, if you can afford to see a therapist.

Good luck!

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, PumpkinPotter17 United States +, writes (15 July 2017):

Hi, is it possible that you're suffering from a case of Post-Partum depression if it has gotten worse after you had your baby? I would fully recommend going to a mental health professional because that amount of self-hatred is not good for you in any aspect. It's clear that you have people in your life who care about you. You need to let someone in hun, whether it be a loved one or a Professional. I'd tell both if I was in your situation. Also, be proud of yourself about your baby cellulite! You underwent a beautiful human process that furthers the species! You should honor it.

<-- Rate this answer


Add your answer to the question "Low self esteem is punishing me"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft