A
male
age
41-50,
*HY_SAV
writes:Hello all.I have a pressing question but don't know quite how to word it, so I guess I'll just shoot from the hip.I'm still a virgin. I would like to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but, I don't know about sex. I keep vacillating between wanting it and being completely revulsed by it. I have seen a lot of things that have rather jaded my view of sex in a relationship. And plus, I'm a bit wary of the prospect of being with someone who's already been with someone. I don't know if there are any women out there that feel the same way as me on this. And if there are, I wouldn't know where to look. Any advice on this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Ok first off, you are wrong I was badly bullied when I was younger over the colour of my hair and because I was born in a different country. I know what it is like to be called awful names, I also know what it is like to be excluded and physically hurt because people looked at me like I was an outsider, someone that was different, therefore I have more experience in that department than you would think!
It is not wrong or odd of you not to want sex. In fact its the opposite, you are right many people just look at sex as a matter of fun and people get used and hurt from it, but not everyone is like that. You need to get out and meet woman and talk to them, get to know them and who knows some day you may find a woman that will love you for who you are.
A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (6 February 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aunt Honesty:
Why is it wrong or odd for someone like me to just want something simple, like love? I don't like how sex is portrayed in western society, as something to just do, not something that goes hand in hand with love. I mean, look at all these awful movies and tv shows and how they portray sex. This is what people follow when it comes to that subject. That sickens me. I've never dated in middle or high school. How can I be expected to want sex when I've never even held hands yet? To me, that's more of an honest expression of love than screwing ever was. I just want to know what it feels like walking hand in hand with a sweet loving lady, and i want to feel what it's like to be held tight in her warm arms. All the rest seems uneccessary, and downright disgusting....
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (5 February 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aunt Honesty,
I don't know, I don't think you've been made fun of all your young life for your appearance, which was different from everyone else's. And, to boot, a lot of those that made fun of me, yelled racist epithets at me, were no better than me in that respect(read: not white). And this experience made me hate those that looked like me. And no it wasn't just based on phys. appearance, but alot of those that I am unfairly lumped in with embody a lot of the values and attitudes that I am vehemently against.....
In short people that I look like have zero attractive qualities and features, both outside and inside. How is someone like me supposed to find someone?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 February 2011):
Ok well we all have flaws and we all have parts of our bodies that we do not like, nobody is perfect and i bet if you asked even the most confident person do they like every part of there body i could bet you that they dont. There is always going to be something that someone doesnt like about themselves.
But its how to resolve these issues. As you say you cannot change the colour of your skin or some of the physical shortcomings that you have. You will just need to accept that these are part of you and learn to love them.
You think women are looking for the whole package but you are wrong. There are plenty of women out there that are just looking for a decent guy, and what you hate about yourself they might love. You just need to accept yourself and learn to love yourself. We only get one life, dont concentrate on the things you cant change instead but your time and effort in to enjoying the things that you can. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (4 February 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aunt Honesty:Thanks for the advice. I'll try to look into some of that. But there's one thing though, and that's my appearance. In my orig. post, I stated that I didn't like my skin color. Yes, I said it, it's true. I also don't like some of the physical shortcomings that I believe are linked to my geneology. And no, I'm not trying to turn this thread into a discussion on race. I'm just being brutally honest. I mean, don't most/all women want 'the total package'? That's the reason I hate being unclothed. Like I said before, I could shed the weight, but, there's that other thing I could never change...This makes me ashamed to be a male. That's why I don't want sex. To me, it has to be perfect, and without perfection, it just simply isn't worth it. And besides, at my age, i think the 'window of oppurtunity' has well passed. I mean, does sex REALLY matter?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 February 2011):
I think what you need to do at the moment is to stop worrying about sex and concentrate on yourself a bit more. It is obvious that you have no confidence and this is what is worrying you about having sex and being naked with someone else. The movies are full of people who have the perfect bodies having sex and this adds pressure to people but not everyone has the perfect body in this world.
You need to start building up your confidence and stop calling yourself ugly. Because if you believe you are ugly everyone else is going to sense how you feel and they are going to feel the same. Therefore you need to start believing that you are beautiful in your own right. Pick out your favorite parts of yourself and concentrate on those.
If you feel that you are over weight there are plenty things you can do other than the gym. Start eating healthy. eat plenty of fruit and veg and go out walking and jogging, also you can do some sit ups and press-ups and drink plenty of water. Soon you will start feeling better and more confident when you start losing the extra weight.
You need to take control of your life and instead of feeling sorry for yourself start changing your self image get fit and healthy and dont worry about sex until the time has come. Once you gain your confidence back and once you find a girl that you fall in love with all your worries and fears will go away from having sex. Ok yes everyone is nervous the first time they have sex. But if it is with someone you love it will be a great expereince for you. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (1 February 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the multiple replies.
Also, another reason I'm wary of sex in a relationship, at least as it pertains to me,is, just say that I actually did find someone. And we did start getting intimate, and then for whatever reason the relationship went south, I know I'd be devastated, after giving her my body and heart. And plus, I don't think I'd want to start this with the next person I found either. I'd just like to find one person, and only one person to spend the rest of my life with. I think that might happen if any prospective partner was also asexual/wary of sex.
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (1 February 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also, expanding on my first reply, the specific reason I am wary about sex is because I don't really like being unclothed; I'm a bit overweight for my height (5'5", which is short for a guy, which I suspect also counts against me). This was brought on by stress-eating after high school. I have thought about getting a gym membership, but those are expensive, and also, even if I was thin again, there's alot about me that still wouldn't change....i think you know what i mean....
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (31 January 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI swore i replied to wornoutmommy's reply, but nothing's showing up.
What gives?
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A
male
reader, SHY_SAV +, writes (31 January 2011):
SHY_SAV is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ wornoutmommy:I think my revulsion towards sex comes from how it's portrayed in movies and tv, in that it's portrayed as something that should just be done, love be damned. Like for example, that new film with Portman and Kutcher. I don't know, it's things like that that make me think otherwise of sex. And also, the fact that I'm not really attractive. I'm not white, and my facial features aren't too nice. I've been told all throughout my youth that i was ugly. And yet people say that it's easy for guys to 'lose it'. Even guys like me? How exactly? I'm really interested in how guys that look like me fare in that respect. As for sex in a relationship, I guess if it's with someone you truly love, and not with Mr/Miss 'right now', then I'm for it. But like I said, I wonder if that'd ever happen to me, what with the way i look, and with my wariness of those other things i mentioned earlier......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): You can stay a virgin but you can't make most women respect you for it. They usually say they respect you but everything about their opinions and actions says they don't. They won't want to date you and they will tell you not to hold out for a virgin girl anymore either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Sex is a wonderful thing when it is with the person that you love. If you are that opposed to sleeping with someone that has been with other people, date other virgins. I think that if you find the right one though it won't matter whether they have slept with other people or not.
Don't give up your virginity until you are married. This advice may sound old and backward, but I slept with 5 people before I found my current boyfriend. I love him, and I wish that my first time would have been with him. You can never take your first time back once it is done.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I could hook you up with my sister! She'll be 20 in April. Nah, I'm just kidding. There's nothing wrong with still being a virgin. Granted I lost mine at 16 and became a teen mom... but! Kudos to you. What has jaded your view of sex in a relationship though? When you enter into a marriage, sex is kinda a given, and if you're not comfortable with it now, you may not be then. This trepidation that you feel could make your partner feel unwanted and depressed. Yes, there are women that feel the same way. Where, I have no clue! Besides my sister. Feeling wary about being with someone that has a questionable past is understandable. When I found out my bf's "#" that he'd racked up, I was floored. Then he tried making me feel better by saying that out of all of them, I was the one he chose to stay with. Didn't make me feel any better. But seriously, what has jaded your view of sex? I'd like if you could expand on this and maybe I could shed some light for you?
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