A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:Dear Agony aunts and uncles,Firstly thanks for all your hard work. I learn so much from all your responses and the time/energy you take to help people. Mine is a simple question, after years of therapy, I'm plenty aware of the benefits of boundaries. But as I go through life I meet more and more people, who have resistance to therapy (totally their right); these people all have the resources and ability to get it, so it's probably down to a discomfort with vulnerability and talking to strangers about their problems. When I meet people like this, sometimes I express boundaries to them, for instance, " I generally feel safer around people who are more verbally communicative/open, when there isn't an emergency or problem, if someone frequently takes days to get back to me, then knowing my own anxieties I pull away as it's a different communication style". Similarly, I know that if people are prone to instability or depression, anxiety then unless they are self-aware and getting support for them, then I don't think it's a good idea for me to get too close as it ends up causing me to feel scared and anxious.I've always wanted to express how I feel openly, but when I've told people these things, I've been called judgemental, controlling and treating people like objects. With different communication styles are non-negotiable unless I know someone very well. I grew up with an avoidant father who was disorganised and from childhood, I experienced constant lets downs and anxiety due to this. I know to heal, I need to keep those people away until I can let some in. What I'm asking is where do the lines of boundaries for ourselves begin and end and also rules for others. For me, they seem two sides of the same coin. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedSonja  +, writes (27 March 2022):
 There is a terrific course on Daily Om - SETTING RADICAL BOUNDARIES
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): That's something to be judged from person to person. It's not so cut and dry; because nobody is always the same all the time. It's a matter of timing and moods.
We do make mistakes, and sometimes we make bad judgement-calls. You can't lose faith altogether, because not everyone understands your anxieties and coping issues. It's a little hypocritical to expect so much from others; while criticizing them for not giving you a break. We're all human, and not everyone understands anxiety, depression, and other social or psychological disorders. We just deal with what we see and know on the spot. You take the opportunity to educate those who are ignorant, and avoid those who are willfully-ignorant.
Willfully-ignorant people are stupid, and you will never teach them about your boundaries or anything else. They go through life driving a steamroller; rolling over the rights and boundaries of others, without regard or remorse. You sometimes have to kick them out of your life. You don't waste your time, or make yourself sick trying to change them.
You can't use your disorder as a crutch or excuse either. Others have their boundaries and rules too. You may have some issues that you'd like people to exercise more patience and understanding, but not be critical or judgy about. People are people, and you have to deal with each instance based on its merits; because sometimes you unintentionally insult people, but they don't know how much of that is due to your disorder, and the rest is just a matter of your personality. It's hard to distinguish sometimes, my friend.
If you feel someone is making you feel uneasy, sometimes the simplest communication is the best. Let them know things are making you uneasy, and retreat from the situation. Trying to put everything into words, or drawing a blueprint, is a waste of time and energy; and like you said, it's better not to get too close to them. You can't go through life always explaining your every move or word.
Unlike family, you can choose your friends. You try to find like-minded and open-minded people. You test everyone for a good social-fit. If they rub you the wrong-way, or you find you rub them the wrong-way; nip it at the bud.
Life is too short, and the simpler you make it; the better your quality of life. Be patient, understanding, and forgiving; and don't expect any more or less from others. You're not always dealing with reasonable people. You test them for compatibility; and if you don't like the results, move on. Lamenting and complaining doesn't solve anything; because your option is always open to have nothing to do with them. If you had no self-awareness, or sense of judgement; you wouldn't have written your post.
If you are speaking professionally, and you are dealing with clients or co-workers; you have to stay in the neutral-zone. Be professional, robotic if necessary. If co-workers over-step, you take it to your supervisor, manager, or go to Human Resources. If you have a difficult client; then it's best to yield to their insistence, agree to disagree, reiterate the company policy about matters beyond your control; and defer them to your manager, before they have to demand to speak to them. Maybe let them speak to someone else, to break the tension. You're not in the position to set boundaries with clients; because your interaction isn't that personal, it's business.
If you are frequently accused of being controlling, judgmental, or treating people like objects; those are pretty serious assertions. They are usually character-issues; and can't always be excused to be just a symptom of your mental-health disorders. If you couldn't help it, you'd be unaware of it; and mentioning to you wouldn't mentally register. It would go over your head; because you wouldn't have any idea of what they're talking about. If that's the general consensus; then it should be taken under advisement, and something you can work on. This is a two-way exchange. You want to be properly respected and treated well; but whatever we want from others has to be congruently reciprocated.
Don't think people will give you a pass just because you cite your social-disorders as the reason for personal-offenses, disagreements, or conflict. Getting your toes stepped on is a part of life; and you pushback, if and when, the situation warrants it. It's a practice you have to carefully develop and refine; and it comes with experience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2022):
 I think it's GOOD that you have found your own boundaries if they work for you.
What I would suggest is to NOT waste time "explaining" YOUR boundaries to people you feel are not compatible with you and your way of life.
If someone is constantly talking about their anxiety or depression - they DRAG people down. It's draining. So I totally get it if you feel, OK this is not what I need in my life. Especially, if they do NOTHING about the anxiety or depression. THAT is reality. Does it sound a bit judgemental? yeah. 100%. This is why I would perhaps "beat around the bush" when it comes to telling them WHY you don't want to spend more time with them. Because the honesty and your feelings about boundaries can be absolutely hurtful. It would help NEITHER of you to tell them point-blank - your anxiety and depression affect me and I'm not willing or able to deal with that.
You know the reason why you are pulling away. You are right to pull away from potentially toxic or detrimental people.
So while I'm not a fan of lying, I would omit the "truth" as you see it and just let them know you are swamped or have too much on your plate to continue building anything with them.
Less drama in your life, less hurt feelings in their lives.
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