| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend doesn't trust me. I hate to admit, though, that I've given him reasons not to.Well, I lied to him. He had asked about an uncomfortable topic from my past and I blatantly lied to him about the matter like 3 times. I just didn't want to talk about the subject, and I don't know, I knew that topic was going to come up over and over, and if it was somethong that happened so long ago, why bring it up to possibly destroy a wonderful relationship in the present?He's always been jealous, but before I lied he did trust me and had no issues with me going out with my friends... but after I lied, he started digging up my past, and discovered that when I was single and went out with my friends, I usually got drunk and hooked up with strangers, he also found out my girl friends have cheated on their boyfriends, and so on. He knows I've kissed some guy friends too. Also, I once gave him my e-mail password so he'd see that I have no suspicious contact with other guys... instead, he found an e-mail I sent to one of my girl friends where I told her in a sarcastic tone how my boyfriend was "being annoying again". So now he also thinks every time I'm with them, all I do is talk bad stuff about him (I changed my password by the way). I am the kind of person who hides A LOT of stuff, but not only to him, I've always hidden stuff to my parents, my friends... and I also lie to all of them every now and then. But I'm not a cheater...In a previous relationship, he was cheated on with his best friend. And his father abandoned and abused him as a child.What should I do? He doesn't like me going out with my friends, and even though I try to reassure him, he says that with all I've done he can't trust me that I won't cheat on him. Help! He even thinks I might have already cheated on him, but I haven't and I won't!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): You need to seriously sit down and discuss this with him. The person you were in the past, isn't the person you are now ('the past is another country' as EM Forster wrote). Talk to him and suggest you both go for counselling together. Good luck, I hope it all works out x
A
male
reader, b-Rock  +, writes (3 January 2008):
This is pretty complicated, and the first thing you have to realize is that you have to earn his trust back. Don't ever do anything that you wouldn't want him doing in the same context. It's not your fault that he was abused and abandoned. It will, however, make the relationship more challenging for the both of you. First of all, you either trust someone or you don't. Think how good you would feel if he said "Baby, I trust you and I am not going to accuse you of anything any longer, because I know you love me and would never intentionally hurt me." You would be elated, and it would reinforce your bond. What you need to do is help him to feel that way. You must give him a great deal of reassurance, all the time... how much you care for him, how special he is to you, how lucky you are to have him, etc. You say you're the kind of person who hides A LOT of stuff. That's not good for a relationship, because you only build a relationship on a foundation of honesty. I am guessing you are both fairly young.
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