A
male
age
41-50,
*m1962
writes:To make a long story short, I almost cheated due to testosterone levels yet I didnt. I came clean via email and said that I'd like to talk. Now I must explain myself.I figger that my b/f at the moment is crunching on this since he has not responded and the wait is killing me.I don't expect to get an answer back very soon, so I'd like to prepare for our talk in the meantime.My strategy has always been to be honest, and its somewhat difficult to "talk" with this man since we don't normally have to. There really have never been any "issues". We have always simply let it be what it is over the past 5 months.Now with me almost cheating its definitely time to define exactly where we are going. I think that I was tempted due to this "talk" not having happened yet. I'm the most loyal person that I know so I've thrown myself for a loop over this.Does that sound like a good way to initiate our talk? To say I was getting cold feet over not having "talked" This man is quite shy, so I'll have to initiate the conversation.
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female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (31 October 2009):
 Oddly enough, that does make sense. It's sort of in line with my suggestion to give himself a break and do something else for a while. Your suggestion would work too, lol.
A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 OK we are still guys here right? Go rub one out so you can focus on the issue at hand without succumbing to the urge to lunge at him and start feeling him up. Q/E...He is a guy and he will get this. I hope you do too. This is not one of my lame attempts at cheap humor.....OK maybe it is but, they need some discussion without/before all that testosterone starts clouding things up.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (31 October 2009):
He sounds like a more reasonable fellow. A lot of them do exist. He might have wanted to have this conversation for some time.
Be grateful, yes, but not so much so that he becomes suspicious or starts to second guess himself. You know when someone makes a bigger deal of something that you actually start wondering if you should have had a stronger response? You don't want him in that mind frame.
Something else that might help here and that is some stretches and deep breathing. Read a book, clean hour, or something else completely unrelated. Give your subconscious mind a chance to mull this over.
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (31 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Let us be a bit dickish so you are getting the harshness from people that really don't matter and you will never see. Then you will be all lined up for the real deal when you and he hook up
LOL - truer words were never spoken IMHO.
Odd that the two folks who I perceive to be the least judgmental would be the first to apologize for it. BTW - I was speaking "in general" from what I've seen and not necessarily my case specifically. Still, thanks are in order for true quality attention.
Update: Now I gotta deal with saying thankyou as I cannot thank him enough for understanding. Already had part of our "talk" over email. Some important groundrules were agreed upon.
I think he should be more pissed. Delighted 'tho I am, I feel like I should display remorse and humbleness, rather than being too chipper happy over it. After all I was naughty, yes?
Again, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely not acting, just *never* thought I'd be in this situation, so blindsided.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (31 October 2009):
Don't take it personally. I was somewhat following the lead of others but I still agree with what I said and Q/E too. Being rigorously honest is not the same as not telling lies. When you try to deflect and minimize and rationalize it is tantamount to lying. We're not here to guilt you. Just that it is better to hear it a bit harsher from us on a test run than to get with your guy and and fuck it all up for real. Let us be a bit dickish so you are getting the harshness from people that really don't matter and you will never see. Then you will be all lined up for the real deal when you and he hook up.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (31 October 2009):
I'm very pleased your confession was well received! That is quite a relief.
I don't think people assumed you were the dishonest type, even if it sounded that way. We all know how tempting it can be to not want to hurt someone. We're just reinforcing what you already know - moral support.
Thank for keeping us up to date with things. It's nice to know whether we're helping or not.
:)
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (31 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs much as I truly appreciate all the feedback and 99% of it is very helpful...
...it seems to me that there is a pre-judgment that I was predisposed to lying. I haven't lied before this mishap, and didn't plan on lying to get out of it. I was asking help with a tactful way of addressing the truth without hurting people and without creating too much drama.
Sad that perhaps many would see others as choosing to lie before exploring other options.
And I agree about how one lie necessitates a family of lies to cover up, and so on, etc...
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (31 October 2009):
 People lie to avoid *situations*, right?
But lying creates a whole new situation.
Situations are complicated. ugh
I think you ought to just say it, chips fall where they may. At least, in the end, it'll all be real.
I can't stand bullshit, personally.
create your peace
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (31 October 2009):
Honesty is always the best policy. I will tell you why I always resort to honesty. All my life I have been pretty up front and honest. But in all my life I have never thought of myself as this great well of integrity. Don't get me wrong. I can count the number of full on lies, I have told, probably on one hand. I was talking to a friend, and he remarked about usually being able to count on what I say as about as close to the truth as any one else ever gives him. And I finally figured out where my level of honesty gets it's motivation from.
I am just too goddamn lazy to keep a whole catamaran of bull shit and lies afloat at any one time. Most of the people I know that are notorious liars, are well known for it. They tell one person one thing, and another person another.`Every thing changes depending on who is in the room, and who is out. They get spread pretty thin and have no credibility at all.
So if you tell this guy what is in your heart. And tell him what you want from him, and what you are willing to deliver, not only will it ring true, because it is true, your story will always match up with the last telling of it. Why? Because it IS true and you won't have to have some fact checker and continuity watch running in the back ground distracting you from looking this guy in the eye and telling him what you feel.
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL. I'm quite delighted to report that my confession was responded to with a thank-you.
And there is no worry about it. He was understanding and said that he didn't blame me since we can't get together very often. He said he'd tell me if he were to want to do anything and appreciates me coming from the same place.
Now I've got the advantage of having this good advice and feedback to help me with the "talk" that is inevitable due to this mishap.
Thanks for the heads up. I *almost* attributed it to testosterone, but didn't want to disrespect his understanding with a cop-out and blame-shifting. I was simply honest and communicated exactly how I feel.
Unbelievable relief here.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
My approach would be direct and honest.
If he's receptive, invite him over for coffee and remove any distractions (turn off phones etc).
Tell him how you feel about him and what you would like to see happen. Be realistic. If an open relationship is something you want, he has a right to know that so he can make a decision. You have a right to be happy without having to sneak about and feeling guilty later.
Then tell him what you've done; you put out feelers but have not acted on them. You thought he might have been doing the same (if I understood your last post correctly) but were uncertain and reluctant to talk about it at the time.
Do NOT attribute this to testosterone or any other factor. It will sound like a cop out, and frankly it is. People cheat because they want to, other factors such as an unhappy relationship are usually just the catalyst, not the cause. Besides, women like sex as much as men do and we haven't nearly the same amount of testosterone.
The focus of the conversation should be on the positive; how you feel about him, the good thngs he brings to your life, the security, compansionship...all that.
He may want time to mull this over before making a decision. If so, I would keep contact during the period to a minimum, but state clearly ahead of time that's what you'll do; as fond as you are of him, you want him to have a clear head while he considers his options.
Good luck!
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