A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereI am worried about something but it sounds trivial.My boyfriend hardly ever makes prolonged eye contact with me. I think he does love me because he tells me he does, and he puts me first. Plus we love to be in each others company, but in the past I have had boyfriends whom i have had a real strong connection with and we've stared into each others eyes for ages with no uncomfortableness. Whereas with my current boyfriend (of nearly a year) he looks away if I look for too long.This makes me feel sad cos I really feel like I connect with people through looking into their eyes.Don't get me wrong, we do look at each other intensely when one of us is talking and there is a pause, but it's like if we're not talking it makes us comfortable. More him than me.He is probably the only boyfriend I've had where I feel this happy. I fancy him like mad, he is a really really nice guy and he treats me like a queen. He is also the first guy I have been with that is sensitive to my needs and makes me feel safe and secure. I love him so much. He also wants to be with me nearly all the time, which I find really nice and secure.But does it mean that we lack intimacy if we can't stare into each others eyes without saying anything for ages? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JippySad  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 I wonder, being "sensitive to my needs and makes me feel safe and secure" also takes a lot of perception. Maybe, in long eye contact he starts getting feelings that are a bit overwhelming. Maybe internally, he just wants to grab you and kiss you and love you, but for him to remain awake and attentive, to be able to observe *your* needs, he needs to keep a minimum of distance. Maybe he has a stong need to "please" you and is afraid that is more male agressive tendencies might not be approved by you.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 It is also a communication style difference. When men communicate with eachother we rarely are locking eyes or even positioned so we're looking at eachother. Usually we prefer to be side by side or at right angles. Women on the other hand prefer to make eye contact and sit facing eachother while talking. These communication differences often lead to women thinking their men aren't listening to them because of a difference in their overall communication style.
I think the others are right that he gets uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact. It could be that he's shy, it could be that he isn't aware that's something you really like.
You should watch to see how he normally communicates. If he falls into the more typical "male" role, then you will likely have to tell him the importance of eye contact to you. Tell him what it means to you. I bet he doesn't realize how important it is to you.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (22 October 2010):
 I'd say it's shyness more than anything. I was the same way with someone I once dated, and eventually got over being uncomfortable because the length of time gradually built up. Your boyfriend likely just needs a chance to get used to prolonged eye contact.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 I really don't think this is an intimacy thing... I'm willing to bet he's just naturally uncomfortable making prolonged eye contact with everybody. Watch him carefully around his friends... or alternatively just talk to him about it, he probably doesn't even know he does it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 October 2010):
He might just be shy about it. Just because he doesn't make eye contact doesn't mean he doesn't love you or has intimacy problems. He might just not like the whole 'staring into each others' eyes' thing. Look at the rest of the stuff you wrote. Your relationship is great! You fancy him like mad, he treats you like a queen, you feel he's sensitive enough and secure, and he wants to be with you! Quit worrying about something so trivial. The lack of eye contact when you're not speaking means nothing at all. In fact, maybe it's a good thing, given that the past relationships where you did make eye contact broke down.
Don't place so much emphasis on something that means absolutely nothing, or you'll wind up losing a genuinely great guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Maybe he's self-conscious about his eyes in addition to being so in love with you that he doesn't know how to deal with it for lack of experience and maybe you intimidate him and maybe he is just all tingly and fluttery all inside and out because you own his heart.
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