A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have this one guy friend where our relationship is really strained. When we talk we both talk a lot actually he usually goes on longer than me it's just that he barely ever actually answer the phone unless I say something is wrong or if i'm upset with him. If it was any other guy I would just think he's just not interested in really being friends and I would leave it alone unless he showed differently. But with him I can't because I think that would be really unfair. He's never been really close to girls outside of family/girls he grew up with. Literally other than me i've never seen him even hug/talk to another girl and when we first met he was really distant about talking to me and the only reason we did talk was because one of my guy friends introduced me to him and even then it was like 4 months before he would give me a hug when he saw me. Also he's a really shy person and it takes him a while to warm up to people.Lately it seems like he's becoming more and more distant though when we are together he talks a lot.It feels like he's becoming uncomfortable with our friendship again and I don't know what I can do because he really is an important friend and if this keeps going on it is easy for me to see us only talking once a year. What should I do? And is there any reason he may become uncomfortable around me all of a sudden? If so what can I do about it? We have know each other for a little over a year now
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Why does him being uncomfortable make you uncomfortable? If he's shy and anxious it might be his own issues. Perhpas you feel he is taking you for granted?
He does sounds a bit selfish.
But you sound like you care for him and perhaps you like him in more than a platonic way. You seem to make excuses for his behavior. You say treating him like any other guy would be "unfair" because he is shy.
Going out of your way for a guy who treats you disrespectuflly is not an example of fairness...it may however be be pity or infatuation, but it isn't a moral imperative.
My sense from your post is:
#1 He withdraws becuase he lacks self confidence.
or
#2 He senses your interest in him ...and he is ambivalent about his own feelings.
If it's either of these problems, the only thing you can do is tell him that it hurts you that he is so selfish. You can also stop putting yourself in the positions that make you feel unappreciated. You can 't make anyone love or appreciate you if they refuse to.
Or
#3 He is not interested in women. From what you posted, he reminds me very much of a guy I used to be infatuated with who I later discovered was gay. He may be keeping you at a distance because he doesn't want to encourage your infatuation.
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