A
female
age
41-50,
*nooperella
writes:I have been married for 5 years now. Over the last 2 years my husband has developed an interest in anal sex. I didn't think twice about it because he is very masculine. Last night I found she-male and men on men websites on the search history of his phone. We don't have internet at our house right now so we use our phones. I was mortified! Is he looking at this out of curiosity or is he turned on by it? I can't bring myself to ask him b/c I know he will just deny it or say it was a joke for fun. How do I find out what is really going on? Can someone discover they are gay at 34 and never know it until then? We have been having problems in our relationship lately and he has been secretive. I have been initiating sex much more than I ever have to let him know I am willing (like every night) and sometimes he doesn't even want it. I suspected an affair (hence looking through his phone) is it worse, is he sexually attracted to men? I don't mind gay men but not my man! What do I do? Do drugs play a part in this? Like men on drugs will like much more erotic things?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 It's hard to say. WIth respect to the shemale porn, it's not conclusive. The number of men who swear "I am absolutely straight but something about you is very sexy" to me leads me to believe that straight men can be, and are, attracted to transexuals without compromising their basic sexuality. After all, apart from that space between our legs, we are often indistinguishable from women.
The gay porn is a different issue, and you are right to be concerned about it. I guess the point is there is no right age to discover one's sexuality. It can happen later for some.
You should realise though that he may very well still be very much in love with and attracted to you. Porn is sometimes just that - porn, regardless of the nature.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Sorry you're going through this, but let's not jump to far too fast. My ex-wife became infatuated with girl on girl sex, and did have an affair with her manicurist. However, she snapped out of it pretty fast when she considered the ramification with her very conservative parents, and others in her life (except me, hence the ex-wife status).
I've looked at shemale pron before, it's a real oddity, but remember that this is chicks with dicks, not men... yes they are genetically men, but they are so woman like the penis is the only male part, so you're really watching a woman with a penis have sex.
Man on man, is a bit more straight forward...but watching gay sex may be quite similar to you watching girl on girl.
My biggest question is HOW OFTEN is he hitting these web sites? Occasionally is one thing, regularly is another.
If he's questioning his sexuality, it can come any anytime. I know women who discovered they were gay after 40, and after having several kids - it happens.
He may be terribly confused and scared. I'm sorry he's been non-communicative, but you may have to be the strong one here and set him down, assure him that you love him, and talk about what's been eating at him. He may come clean, but you may have to open the door. I have to believe that *if he's struggling with this* that he loves you dearly, and doesn't want to hurt you. Please keep in mind that in situations like this, he isn't making a conscious decision to leave you, but may be finding that he is simply attracted to the other sex, and that your relationship as husband and wife, may need to be reexamined.
No telling what's really going on, but the only way to get at it is to talk about it. If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won't), 2 years after my divorce I met a wonderful lady, and have been married to her for 8 year. Life is good today, and I have no idea what I'd slowly given up over several years of the prior relationship.
Best of luck!
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