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female
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anonymous
writes:been with my boyfriend for 2 years, found some emails from him to another women he is doing a class with, there is alot of flirting in these emails, such as him saying how he finds her hot, there was also one email from her saying that she had a boyfriend now and she hopes that we can still be friends, the emails also suggest he has been to her home a number of times, what do people think? does it sound like his cheating?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanother update on the situation, i let him get away with it not talking about it for awhile but for me i could never stop thinking about what he must have been up 2, i had a break down and i collapsed, i broke down and cried and i told him that it hurt so much and that i could not take it and i dont trust him anymore and that he was not ok for him to say that or do that with any other person, he was also almost in tears and said sorry for what he did,he promised me that he would never cheat or do anyhing to hurt me and that he never did cheat, he said he was friends with her but never liked her that much and then he tried to aviod her becuase he did'nt like her that much, i still feel there was a secret attraction but he will never admit it but he said sorry and he would do anything to prove that he is trustworthy, and he said that he would not send emails or talk to women in that manner anymore, and ever since then he has been standing by his word. i am stil some what hurt and my trust for him is slowly growing again but im disappointed that it got to the stage that i collapsed b4 he took me serious. thank you all so much for the advice on this.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (16 February 2006):
 i try to never say this as i find it so hard myself but maybe he is just not the one for you, it shouldnt be this hard! the trust is well and truley gone , i think the only thing i could say is to set some boundaries in your relationship with him knowing its his last chance and how much he hurt you and if he braks your trust again after all that leave as he obviously has very lttle respect for you or the truth
i wish you good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, i thought id give an update on this situation, well he still has not given me answers and he still has not said sorry or asked for my forgiveness even though i have on a number of times asked him to answer me and i have asked him to sit and talk to me about it, yet he avoids the situation or ignores it by changing the subject, their has been some development, he is letting me use the computer and it is not password protected anymore. he has not promised me he wont have anything to do with this women again, so i did abit of research on who she is, it turns out she has a bf and has been dating during some of the time she was emailing my bf i also found out she still lives with her parents, i know he will also be in contact wit her again in a couple of months due to a discusion/training group that they are both doing, i am very concerned about this and im going to put my foot down and tell him that he is not to talk with her or go to her home or email her and if i found out i stand by my word that i wil leave. at the moment i do have some trust back for him because he is sharing the pc with me now but i dont trust him around woment anymore, i dont like him going places with out him telling me where he is going, i just get so fasturated with him. im not sure if he actually cheated on me with this women sexually because she has a bf then its less likly but its so obvious that he has an attraction to her and he wont come clean, how can i make him understand that what he did was wrong, like how would he like it if i was off having a relationship with another guy going to his home and emailing him and telling him how attractive i think he is and hiding all of this from him. i have though of leaving but i don thave a great deal of money so i am saving, i just want to tell him how much im hurting from this yet he just cant stop going on about how i beytrad his trust and i never get a chance to have my say because he ends up making me feel so bad i just hate myself and then doubt myself and become very despressed, im just stuck whats the best way to get through to this guy?
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (5 January 2006):
 As I hear your story, I sincerely feel for you. First thing I need to say, is that I hope you take care of yourself and your health. There are too many red flags with this guy. You cornered the litte rat, and now he is obviously squirming because he's doing things like changing his password, that's a huge red flag.
Most likely, he isn't going to leave you, if he knows you are willing to tolerate his behavior. I went through something quite similar to what you are going through and I put up with it for a number of years. I am ashamed to admit that I gave him the benefit of the doubt everytime. Though my intuition told me to dump him. When I finally did stand up to him, and decided I will no longer believe his lies, he flaked on me and immediately found someone else who would. He is still trying to sleep with me, but I am much wiser to his game now.
Your boyfriend does not show much respect for women in general. He expects you to accept and excuse his inexcusable behavior and put it behind you. Thats not the way it works. He needs to ask for your forgiveness to begin with, and though he said he was sorry, I'm sure he was not sincere. If you stand your ground, I am sure he will begin to weaken. He may say and do anything not to lose you, he might even shed some tears.
I wish you luck and keep strong. It sounds to me that you are much wiser and determined since your last letter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): I was impressed with your 2nd posting, dear. You are a smart cookie. You are not doubting yourself-I respect that. Just wanted to share my thoughts by saying this, "When one truly loves someone, they will not cheat on them" I strongly believe that. So, it's my feeling, your bf is quite immature and doesn't knows how to love in a mature, healthy, committed way, hun. Odd how he feels still entitled to respect and privacy on that computer after he got caught, messing around. People make mistakes, and deserve to be forgiven, but only if they realize that its was a mistake and they do everything to prove they are trustworthy. He's simply not realizing this. He basically shattered the foundation of trust in this relationship all to appease his male ego. He needs to be sorry to you for what he did, he needs to work darn hard at proving to you, through actions and behaviours that this will never happen again. He could start proving his sincerity and trustworthiness to you by agreeing the computer is "open" to both of you...no more secrets. How will you ever trust this man again by changing all the passwords and his starting a new internet account that you cannot access. Do not allow this...set the boundries dear because he sounds like he just wants an excuse to do it again. Ask yourself why he would play mindgames with a girl on the internet. What kind of man is he? One with very poor character traits and 'zero' committment to the people who love him. When you don't have trust and loyalty in a relationship...you have nothing. You really do deserve much better and I think you are clearly "mulling this over". Cheating is a betrayal and this could torment you for years to come. He's proven to you what he capable of-chances are if he's balme shifting onto you, changing passwords, etc..he's just sneakily and underhandedly, planning ahead to do it again. Sorry if I sound harsh...but you deserve so much better, dear. Stay strong, confident and if he can't come through and change his behaviours..then you need to re-evaluate this relationship.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): I have a question: In a "loving and trusting" relationship, why is your BF so paranoid about his "privacy"? Why is he still trying to hide things from you? Seems to me there's some hanky-panky goin on, and he doesn't want to deal with you about it!!!!!! If he has nothing to hide, he wouldn't get so upset over sharing his computer with you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks all for the advice, everyone is rite he is just trying to take the focus off him by making me feel bad for what i did, it took me over a day to get him to talk to me and when he did he questioned me about everything and he even said that im banned from using that computer and his changing all the passwords and his starting a new internet account that i cannot access, he did say sorry for scarying me but not once has he re-assured me that nothing is happen or that he wont continue to have contact with this women and when i asked him if he does not like her then why did he tell her that he thinks she's hot? he responds saying that he was just playing mind games with her and thinks she is a f**k head, what kind of reason is that? its not even a reason its just some stupid made up excuss because he knows his been caught out. i just dont know what to do, i feel so sick i have not eaten for 3 days, im just sooo over it, and well you are rite he was not planning to leave me, now his all nice to me and said lets just move on and 4get this and he said if i touch his stuff again he wil leave and thats ok i totally respect that but i now only have 1% trust in this guy and if he keeps hiding stuff even more now the more i lose trust in him, if he had nothing to hide why would he have to change all the passwords and stuff?, i would have not problem with him having the passwords to my email actually i think he already does from memory. thanks all for the advice, but this guy is just too stuborn and i dont know what to do.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (4 January 2006):
why would he say in his emails that he thinks she is hot if he didnt even like her.
you have been together 2 years and in a loving trusting relationship it shouldnt be a problem to read each others emails if there is nothing to hide especially if you are originally only looking for invoices, to be honset if i was looking through invoices and saw a load of suspect messages from another girl, id look , who wouldnt!, me and my fella are always on each other accounts and its no big deal cos neither of us have anything to hide!
i aggree with star news , he knows what he has done is wrong and he has made it so that he has the control of the situation which is a good trick cos it makes the other person feel panicky and out of control of the situation, and it is working cos he has got you begging for forgiveness!
i dont think he has any intention of finnishing with , just controlling you and walking all over you which personnally i think is much worse.
turn the tables before it gets any worse
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (4 January 2006):
So he is using the "I need time to think" excuse. He is attempting to reverse the guilt on you so that you are less focused on him. He wants to make you feel bad for what you did by saying he is dissapointed in you, again taking the focus off of him. Its working, because thats all you talked about in your most recent letter, and now you feel desperate and will do anything at this point not to lose him.
The result of his actions caused you a lot of pain, dont forget that. What gets me is that he is going to look at it as your fault, and never appologize for being dispectful and hurting you.
He said he didnt even like her (do you normally send several emails flirting with someone you dont like?). Do you seriously believe him after reading those emails? You may want to believe him, but you know in your heart the real truth.
Dont forget the real issue here. You found the emails, no matter how you found them, and he lost your trust. He sent them to another girl, flirting, and stating that he had been to her house on several occasions. He cannot deny the letters, because they are evidence. But he will deny anything else you cannot prove.
If you stay with him, I do not believe it will the first time or the last time he does this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006): Maybe there was something and he's feeling guilty about it. Let him have his time to think and what will be will be. If he's worth it, he will forgive you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for the advice, i did talk to him about it, he was shocked and did not know what to say, he told me he does not like her and nothing ever went on between them, but the problem is now is that he is disappointed with me because i read his emails and he wants me to leave him alone so he can think about things, i feel so bad about that an i did say sorry to him about reading them and at first i was not even looking for emails from her to him i was just looking for internet tax invoices, but i told him i was sorry for reading them at all, im so worried iv lost him now, his told me not to worry he just needs time to think himself , i feel like the one who has betrayed the trust in the relationship now, i dont know wat to do.
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (3 January 2006):
Not only is he lying, there is a good chance he is cheating, but is difficult to prove. If you confront him on the issue, his immediate reaction will be to deny it. He will make light of the entire scenario, so you will feel that you are making a big deal out of nothing. Use you gut instinct and intuition, it is telling you what you need to know.
These type of people have a history of deceit, never believing that they did anything wrong. They somehow justify their actions or lay the blame on someone else, to rid themselves of the guilt.
You can choose to believe his lies, but you will never trust him again, even if he were to confess. You will find yourself constantly searching though his email and his things for more evidence.
He disrespected your feelings with his actions and he is an uncaring selfish individual who does not deserve you. You will always doubt his love for you and will go on feeling insecure in the relationship. Why waste alot more years and alot of tears on this guy?
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 January 2006):
i think having this kind of a relationship with another woman is cheating even without sex, do you feel threatened, if so then dont put up with it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): I actually was put in the same situation with my man he was talking to a girl on the net and also said she was cute and all this other bull shit I think you should deffinetly call him out on it him going to her house would be huge for me why wouldn't he have told you about that if theres nothing going on you would have known all this before not from e-mails Yah know!I would be very leary of what went on between them there is no excuse for him to be at her house with out you or you knowing about it Believe me I know what your going through it's so tuff the trust is gone and you've turned into little miss detective and that sucks I hate being that way but if he is willing to show you over and over again he can be trusted then I would give him a second chance but, until you found out if he cheated or not I wouldn't trust him Best of Luck!!!
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