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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I may be completely overreacting but out of curiosity..Yesterday I helped my boyfriend out with his Biology final exam (online)...When we were done, he scored a good grade and said "you've earned yourself a fancy dinner for helping me." He always incorporates that phrase when he wants to "reward" me. He doesn't spoil me at all so when he does do nice things, he always just HAS to preface it or say something like "well I just spent 50 dollars on our dinner" or "well I just bought this and that for you"...Why does he do this? It makes me feel cheap and I'm beginning to feel like this is a materialistic relationship if he can't do things just to do them. I never go "well I cooked you a dinner, and helped you with this, so you owe me this..." but he seems to like saying things like that. Am I overreacting or is this a little weird? His mom is allll about money so I'm guessing so is he? He's a bit stingy with money as well. We've been together for 2 years.
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female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I don't see a problem with him celebrating little things by spending some money he normally wouldn't; the problem is that he is making you feel guilty for receiving these things. However, from a couple of things you said it made it sound like you don't usually spend money on him, so he may just feel like it is unfair for him to do it when you do not. I both consciously and unconsciously make sure my boyfriend and I spend equal amounts of money. If he is good with money ("stingy" in your words) he probably thinks of things like a balance sheet. Essentially if he is doing this to make you feel guilty or make you do things he is using it as a form of control, but if he is just concerned about money that is a fantastic quality to find in a guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): we cant judge the relationship as materialistic by just that.it's just the way he was brought up.show me how he's treated by his mother and i'l tell you what he'l treat you like.
i bet any girl in your place ,no matter how much he loves his girl thats the way he IS going to talk!you said he is stingy .he must be treating himself the same way too ..i don't think he lacks love towards you ,you said his mother is all about money THAT says a lot!A mother is the one who is first to show love and the way in which she 'rewarded' him and portrayed love to be a materialistic give and take of things ,has made him the man he is.i'm sorry but it just cannot be changed.10 yrs down the lane he would be saying the same things to his kids!
if you don't like this thing about him its going to drive you nuts in the future.you'd have to bear embarrassing incidents in front of other people.
but if he's not doing it to others and you just UNDERSTAND WHY he does it ,then everything should be fine.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I think this could lead to problems later on. Our views on money are very ingrained into us based on how we were raised. On the surface it seems harmless when he offers to take you to dinner as a "treat" because men are sometimes programmed to think this is what women want. Then again, his parents may have rewarded him with material things when he did well on tests or got good grades so he equates a monetary value to everything he does or doesn't do. Maybe the first thing you should do is talk openly about how you both view money and what is expected as a "reward" for good behavior. If nothing else it may help open his eyes to his own habits; or help you see that he's not the one.
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