A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My long-time girlfriend has some serious psychological issues from external factors. I am exhausted and often depressed from dealing with her. She has few friends and I am currently the light of her world. My life would be so much easier if I were to cut and run, but I can't do that to her. I would like our lives to be the way they used to be. My only close friends in this city are women, and one of them I'm attracted to, but have no intention of pursuing a romance with. My girlfriend gets very jealous of any women I socialize with and gets depressed for a day or two. Is it wrong for me to get emotional support behind her back? I have opened up to my friend who I'm not attracted to. I am reluctant to get too close to the other one. Is it wrong for me to seek this support secretly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): It is not wrong of you to find support in friends, this is natural. However it seems that your girlfriend, for whatever reasons, is insecure about your intimate relationships with other women. It could be that your girlfriend has had bad previous relationships or maybe some family issues that have lead her to a fear of abandonment or betrayal.
I am unsure if you still love your girlfriend from what you said. It seems that maybe you have fallen out of love with her but feel guilty about breaking it off. If you are no longer in love with her you owe it to both you to be honest and break it off instead of continuing any mixed messages or mind games. In the long run, it will be better for her too because she won't have to wonder in anxiety if you rather be with other women.
If you wish to work things about with your girlfriend, the two of you will both have to work on more open communication. You will need to tell her that her insecurity and lack of trust will only continue to push you away (the opposite of the effect she intends I assure you). You will also need to get her to open up about why she feels so fearful abandonment.
Being in a relationship is not about perfection but realizing what it takes in order to achieve the overall goal which is to be together and to be happy. Find out what it takes. Instead of confiding in a bunch of your female friends, confide in your girlfriend because she is suppose to be your friend too and ultimately, out of all the other opinions, hers will matter the most.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): No it is not wrong to seek support whilst going through a difficult time. However, it does not have to be from a woman.
It is a really bad idea to get close to a woman who is not your girlfriend, especially at a time when you are going through a stressful situation with your other half.
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